It smells like fall

It was 8:35pm when I noticed that it was fully dark outside. The seasons are starting to change despite my denial of it. It didn't use to be fully dark until about 9:15pm literally a month ago. I got a little bummed out. I asked Alexa to play some jazz music in the background while I put my life back together and brought life into my little space again. I lit up a candle and threw out the sunflowers that were sitting lifeless in a vase full of dirty water. I put away laundry and thought to myself about all of the things that didn't align. What is it that I want?

I fell asleep in crispy fresh sheets.

It was 6:57am when I woke up. Three minutes before my alarm would have rang my ears off. It is such an annoying alarm but the very annoyance of it is what wakes me up. I guess my body is responding appropriately to the annoyance by waking up a little before the noise is triggered by the changing of the time, so it can avoid the screeching awful sound of it. It's a new week and a short one at that because on Thursday night I fly out for the long weekend. I decided that's not an excuse to slack off on my goals so up until Thursday, we continue with the regular scheduled programming. It's only 13 degrees celsius outside this morning and the very thought of that sent a shiver down my spine. Fall really is coming. I put on my workout set and an extra layer for warmth and I head on outside. Whether I want to or not, we are moving our bodies today. It feels good to get out this early in the morning and crush some goals. I started a little fitness competition last week with a colleague from work and now, all of the sudden I am a fitness girly who goes on morning walks and afternoon runs. Who would've thought?

By the time I get back, I am sweaty. The thing about my neighbourhood is that I live on a hill and the way down is great but to get back home, I have to walk uphill and that is not so great. We're doing it for the gains though as they say. Something still doesn't align. I still don't feel fulfilled and I don't think that's fitness related necessarily.

You know, I will often think about what could have been. What could have happened if only I had the same mentality then that I do now. Would things be different? Would we be different? I got asked a couple of difficult questions over the weekend that I'm not sure I fully flushed out within my own head so I figure it might be nice to write. To let the thoughts formulate as the words hit the page.

"Do you feel stuck?"

Not at all. Life has been looking up lately and it feels nice.

Yes. I didn't admit that though. I said no. Of course I feel stuck. I think about that probably more than I should.

"Do you have someone special in your life?"

Not at the moment. Haven't in a while and that's okay. I didn't dive deeper into it though, people tend to give off a feeling of pity when you admit that you are doing life on your own, despite nothing really being wrong with that. I changed the subject. How are you guys doing?

"How's work going?"

It's great, I've been taking on a lot of responsibilities and my pay increases reflect it. I often think about being literally anywhere but where I am. I don't dislike my job but I simultaneously don't feel fully satisfied. I wonder if everyone else feels the same and it's just a feeling you learn to internalize over time. Do people just become complacent with dissatisfaction or do they usually do something to change it?

A friend told me a week ago that I am one of the few people he doesn't censor himself with. He feels okay with telling me the whole truth, while he keeps things on the surface with those who aren't as close perhaps. I've come to realize that adulting just tends to be that way. It's not like when we were kids and being happy or sad was the whole extent of the emotion. As an adult, you just process so many things at once and a multitude of emotions just fills brain space at all times. Yeah I'm good but...there's always a but and that's not necessarily something you really want to dive into in a social setting where the norm is to keep things light and fun.

I'm doing a lot of travelling over the next 3 months and I am excited for it all. I find that travel often helps me shape my thoughts and work through the mental distress which is often not so easy to access on a day-to-day basis. I'm not sure what it is about travel that helps that or if it's simply the fact that I am not using the majority of my brain capacity in thinking about work. Either way, I hope I find the answers for myself as to what it is that is bothering me so much. While I know that I should always feel uncomfortable to some extent so that I can actively work on doing better for myself, I simultaneously just feel tired from actively working on that.

As the leaves are changing colours and the air is getting colder, I am excited to welcome the fall season and while I don't mean to leave you hanging, I think I got everything off my chest that I needed to.

Sending you lots of warm hugs and as always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo

Summer flings and ending things

Summers in Toronto are literally my favourite. I always take my vacation time in the winter and prefer to work during the summer just so I can stay in the city and live my absolute best life. The city is so vibrant with so many events going on, night life, you name it. Summers in Toronto are just superior.

That being said, dating sucks in the summer. I mean… dating sucks in general but even more so in the summer (and especially in Toronto). I just quite frankly hate giving my time to anyone because I value authenticity and real connections and anything less than that gives me the ick. I find that dating in the city is superficial and it has been rather difficult to come across someone that sparks my interest in a manner outside of the basic get-to-know-you conversations. I need more. I need witty banter and conversations that make me forget that I had something else to do because I have been engulfed in a conversation that is just that great. It has been some time since someone has sparked my interest like that. No shade to all the guys that might be reading this who might be trying to shoot their shot.

But it's summer and just like me, everyone is trying to live their absolute best life. It's hard to fully give yourself to someone when you'd rather be out tanning your bum cheeks on the beach or hanging with the girlies (or the boys, whatever your heart desires). The summer is for summer flings, light hearted drinks and Europe trips. It's for festivals and kissing cute boys in the bar.

I have three trips booked before the end of the year. Three trips that I want to live out to the absolute fullest. My problem with that right now is that my desire to live out the trips is definitely deterring me from wanting to create this “real” connection with anyone. Let me explain. I made plans for myself. Ever since last year, I started planning for me and my enjoyment, which has been so fricken nice. I go places and experience life in the most authentic way I can. I meet people and spend days and nights with them and fall in love in every country. It’s just part of the experience, I’d say. To some extent, I’d like to continue doing that. I like the freedom of talking to anyone I want, throwing in a little flirting if I want, sharing a meal or a drink with them if I want. I think it’s so neat to form a connection in a different country (even if short term) because it shapes the memory of that place. It gives that place a little something extra to be remembered by.

On the other hand, don’t get me wrong about any of these things cause if you know me, you know damn well I am a sucker for romance in general. If I meet someone and they’re exactly the person I want to meet, well then, I guess I will happily say my goodbyes to the international flings. I am way too loyal and way too busy to actually entertain the idea of multiple people at once. The fact is that obviously being on my own can get lonely, I mean, of course it does. But I’d rather feel some temporary loneliness because I am actually on my own, than to give my time to someone who will make me feel alone all the time. I have done that one too many times and quite frankly, I value my time and mental health all too much now to make that mistake again.

All in all, summer flings are fun, dating can be fun (although I don’t really think so) but ending things can be one of the best feelings. Keep in mind that your time on this earth is limited. Don’t give your time so freely to people who will use and abuse it. Be alone – sometimes it’s better to be alone than with the wrong person. Fall in love a million times if you have to. Having love stories is beautiful (while they are). Become the person that you want to be before you give yourself to someone. Figure out what’s important to you and what your non-negotiables are. If you don’t know these things about yourself, it can be easy to lose sight of who you are in a relationship and we don’t want that.

If you take anything away from this, let it be the following:

We are only young once and as much as your goals matter and they help shape who you are trying to become, don't forget to live. Don't let your 20's be reminiscent of a relationship you stayed in far too long, working and studying until burnout or failed to take a risk because you were scared to fail. There is no better time than now to make the mistakes that might change your whole trajectory in life (in a good way, pls don't get yourself jailed up). Let yourself experience life, love, happiness, sadness, and everything in between. Live and love and be loved in return, but really, just live.

The one you look up to

I have been hard on myself my entire life. Being the big sister, I was always seen as the most responsible, most knowledgeable, the one that always had to assume the adult role... even if I was still a child. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Did I have to grow up too fast on account of that? Did I miss out on some of the oblivion that younger siblings tend to have the advantage of?

Perhaps.

My parents always counted on me. I don't really remember a time when I didn't have to look after my siblings or assume a responsibility that perhaps I just didn't want. To this day, despite me living in a different city than the rest of my family, I will still get calls from my mom to help her translate something even if my sisters might be in the same room as her. I guess it's just force of habit. I don't know if I necessarily mind it, although, since I feel the need to write about it, I guess there must be some part of me that doesn't like it. It does have pros and cons of course. Being the big sister can be a lonesome journey. Everything that I wondered about before, I had to figure out on my own. On the other hand, if my sisters wonder about something that I already have answers to, they can just ask me. To some extent, it's nice being the one with the knowledge - it taught me how to problem-solve and seek out an answer. I became rather independent pretty early on because of this. I can live on my own, cook on my own, travel on my own, everything you can imagine - on my own. On the other hand, being this independent figure has its shortfalls too. I guess the one that bothers me most is feeling like I have something to prove at all times. I need to prove that I can be self-sufficient, that I won't fail, that I won't let my parents down or worse, my younger sisters who have looked up to me. How embarrassing would it be to fail at life and have to admit that to my sisters?

I guess that for those reasons, I have just been hard on myself my entire life. I have always felt the need to prove that I am capable of being successful, of providing, of being a good role model for my sisters. Although they have absolutely become two incredible women, crushing a billion goals and doing incredibly well for themselves, I still feel that need to prove my worth.

That's no one's fault really, I guess it more so is some sort of older sibling complex that I am acknowledging. I have this innate fear of not doing enough, not creating a name for myself, of failing. In some ways, that's a good thing because it's good to be uncomfortable, to not become complacent, to work hard towards your goals. In other ways, I just always feel tired.

This isn't really a complaint or something that needs fixing - more so an acknowledgement - a reminder to be gentle. A reminder that I am, just like my sisters, simply a human trying to do the best I can. Failure is normal and shouldn't be feared. Resilience is a great quality to possess. Love of self is important. Being your own best friend is important.