The one you look up to

I have been hard on myself my entire life. Being the big sister, I was always seen as the most responsible, most knowledgeable, the one that always had to assume the adult role... even if I was still a child. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Did I have to grow up too fast on account of that? Did I miss out on some of the oblivion that younger siblings tend to have the advantage of?

Perhaps.

My parents always counted on me. I don't really remember a time when I didn't have to look after my siblings or assume a responsibility that perhaps I just didn't want. To this day, despite me living in a different city than the rest of my family, I will still get calls from my mom to help her translate something even if my sisters might be in the same room as her. I guess it's just force of habit. I don't know if I necessarily mind it, although, since I feel the need to write about it, I guess there must be some part of me that doesn't like it. It does have pros and cons of course. Being the big sister can be a lonesome journey. Everything that I wondered about before, I had to figure out on my own. On the other hand, if my sisters wonder about something that I already have answers to, they can just ask me. To some extent, it's nice being the one with the knowledge - it taught me how to problem-solve and seek out an answer. I became rather independent pretty early on because of this. I can live on my own, cook on my own, travel on my own, everything you can imagine - on my own. On the other hand, being this independent figure has its shortfalls too. I guess the one that bothers me most is feeling like I have something to prove at all times. I need to prove that I can be self-sufficient, that I won't fail, that I won't let my parents down or worse, my younger sisters who have looked up to me. How embarrassing would it be to fail at life and have to admit that to my sisters?

I guess that for those reasons, I have just been hard on myself my entire life. I have always felt the need to prove that I am capable of being successful, of providing, of being a good role model for my sisters. Although they have absolutely become two incredible women, crushing a billion goals and doing incredibly well for themselves, I still feel that need to prove my worth.

That's no one's fault really, I guess it more so is some sort of older sibling complex that I am acknowledging. I have this innate fear of not doing enough, not creating a name for myself, of failing. In some ways, that's a good thing because it's good to be uncomfortable, to not become complacent, to work hard towards your goals. In other ways, I just always feel tired.

This isn't really a complaint or something that needs fixing - more so an acknowledgement - a reminder to be gentle. A reminder that I am, just like my sisters, simply a human trying to do the best I can. Failure is normal and shouldn't be feared. Resilience is a great quality to possess. Love of self is important. Being your own best friend is important.