It smells like fall

It was 8:35pm when I noticed that it was fully dark outside. The seasons are starting to change despite my denial of it. It didn't use to be fully dark until about 9:15pm literally a month ago. I got a little bummed out. I asked Alexa to play some jazz music in the background while I put my life back together and brought life into my little space again. I lit up a candle and threw out the sunflowers that were sitting lifeless in a vase full of dirty water. I put away laundry and thought to myself about all of the things that didn't align. What is it that I want?

I fell asleep in crispy fresh sheets.

It was 6:57am when I woke up. Three minutes before my alarm would have rang my ears off. It is such an annoying alarm but the very annoyance of it is what wakes me up. I guess my body is responding appropriately to the annoyance by waking up a little before the noise is triggered by the changing of the time, so it can avoid the screeching awful sound of it. It's a new week and a short one at that because on Thursday night I fly out for the long weekend. I decided that's not an excuse to slack off on my goals so up until Thursday, we continue with the regular scheduled programming. It's only 13 degrees celsius outside this morning and the very thought of that sent a shiver down my spine. Fall really is coming. I put on my workout set and an extra layer for warmth and I head on outside. Whether I want to or not, we are moving our bodies today. It feels good to get out this early in the morning and crush some goals. I started a little fitness competition last week with a colleague from work and now, all of the sudden I am a fitness girly who goes on morning walks and afternoon runs. Who would've thought?

By the time I get back, I am sweaty. The thing about my neighbourhood is that I live on a hill and the way down is great but to get back home, I have to walk uphill and that is not so great. We're doing it for the gains though as they say. Something still doesn't align. I still don't feel fulfilled and I don't think that's fitness related necessarily.

You know, I will often think about what could have been. What could have happened if only I had the same mentality then that I do now. Would things be different? Would we be different? I got asked a couple of difficult questions over the weekend that I'm not sure I fully flushed out within my own head so I figure it might be nice to write. To let the thoughts formulate as the words hit the page.

"Do you feel stuck?"

Not at all. Life has been looking up lately and it feels nice.

Yes. I didn't admit that though. I said no. Of course I feel stuck. I think about that probably more than I should.

"Do you have someone special in your life?"

Not at the moment. Haven't in a while and that's okay. I didn't dive deeper into it though, people tend to give off a feeling of pity when you admit that you are doing life on your own, despite nothing really being wrong with that. I changed the subject. How are you guys doing?

"How's work going?"

It's great, I've been taking on a lot of responsibilities and my pay increases reflect it. I often think about being literally anywhere but where I am. I don't dislike my job but I simultaneously don't feel fully satisfied. I wonder if everyone else feels the same and it's just a feeling you learn to internalize over time. Do people just become complacent with dissatisfaction or do they usually do something to change it?

A friend told me a week ago that I am one of the few people he doesn't censor himself with. He feels okay with telling me the whole truth, while he keeps things on the surface with those who aren't as close perhaps. I've come to realize that adulting just tends to be that way. It's not like when we were kids and being happy or sad was the whole extent of the emotion. As an adult, you just process so many things at once and a multitude of emotions just fills brain space at all times. Yeah I'm good but...there's always a but and that's not necessarily something you really want to dive into in a social setting where the norm is to keep things light and fun.

I'm doing a lot of travelling over the next 3 months and I am excited for it all. I find that travel often helps me shape my thoughts and work through the mental distress which is often not so easy to access on a day-to-day basis. I'm not sure what it is about travel that helps that or if it's simply the fact that I am not using the majority of my brain capacity in thinking about work. Either way, I hope I find the answers for myself as to what it is that is bothering me so much. While I know that I should always feel uncomfortable to some extent so that I can actively work on doing better for myself, I simultaneously just feel tired from actively working on that.

As the leaves are changing colours and the air is getting colder, I am excited to welcome the fall season and while I don't mean to leave you hanging, I think I got everything off my chest that I needed to.

Sending you lots of warm hugs and as always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo