Let that shit go

Everything is energy and energy is everything. I saged my apartment last night for the first time ever since having moved in which is kind of wild considering that I have been living in it for nearly four years. This past month has been super heavy with all types of decisions that had to be made and actions that had to be taken. I was exhausted.

I got my first ever traffic ticket on Tuesday night in my eleven years of driving and that just was the cherry on top and put me over the edge. I cried for nearly an hour and it was an ugly cry. The kind of cry where snot comes out of your nose while you're hyperventilating and catching your breath is much harder when your nose is plugged with snot. I knew that I needed a reset.

What's nice about everything that happened is that I hadn't cried in maybe a couple of months. I don't really have reasons to be sad lately which was a reminder that my life is generally pretty darn good. However, as mentioned, I had a whole lot of stuff that was being built up in me that eventually, a traffic ticket was the last thing I needed and I just needed to release it all. That cry was literally magical.

I came into work yesterday knowing it was the beginning of the new month and I already felt better knowing I had cried my heart out the night before and released all the pent up tension within me. Despite this, I thought about all of the energy around me and how that has been affecting my quality of life. I thought about all the people that have stepped foot into my space and left lingering thoughts, actions and energy behind them when they left. I thought about the stuff that I no longer had space for within my aura. This might sound spiritual as heck, but I just felt a heavy presence that had never been cleared out. I decided that perhaps it was time to purchase some sage and see if that can help me in any way.

From the front door of my apartment, to the tiniest spots in my closet, I took my sage throughout my space. I then sat down with myself, journaled about everything I was letting go of, and then took a shower to wash all of it off. I slept like a baby last night.

Now, it would be foolish of me to tell anyone to do the same because I have no idea if this actually works and perhaps it's just a placebo thing. However, I feel at peace knowing that I did that last night. I might even do it a second time tonight to really double whammy the energy I want to let go of. I think it's important to protect your space and your peace and to do whatever it is that will bring you to that place of serenity. Life can get difficult and heavy and it's important to take that time to reset in whichever way you deem fit for your needs.

What you put your energy into is valuable. Don't spend your energy worrying, but rather, spend it working towards your goals, towards loving, caring and manifesting the life that you ultimately desire. What you want can get out of reach if your mindset does not align with your ultimate desire of that thing, person or whatever it is that you want.

Protect your peace, space, and energy and let go of anything that no longer serves a purpose in your life.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo

Call me, I miss the sound of your voice

I often wonder if love makes sense when it's not the love you expect to receive. Is it worth it to stay in a place where the love you are getting is not how you pictured love to be, despite the other person being the kind of person you would ultimately desire? What if you have two super worthy people in the mix?

I'm not sure how to explain this but I will give it my best shot.

I have always been of the impression that there should be something glimmering in your eyes when you are loving the person that you are meant to be with. There should be a continuous spark, an adoration for that person and you should feel certainty that this is the exact relationship you want to be in. The type of shit you see in movies and read in books about where two people can't get enough of one another. Me personally, I only experienced that once in my life and I still think about it.

My mom says that anything like that is pre-destined to fail because whatever catches fire quickly, is also quickly extinguished. I also experienced that because my personal "shit you see in movies and read in books about mini relationship where two people can't get enough of one another" was taken away from me sooner than I wanted to let go of (if ever). Since then, I still continued to be of the opinion that the same type of fire exists elsewhere and when that right person comes along, I will just know with absolute 120% certainty and it will be easy and insane and loving and fast but also slow and hungry and gentle and everything in between. I still do believe that.

Now, let's look at things another way. Let's suppose that "shit you see in movies and read in books about" is as my mom says, something that is pre-destined to fail because it's chaotic and superficial. Let's suppose someone worthy comes along who checks most boxes off but you don't feel that same sort of fire towards. What then? Do you discredit a person that is good and faithful, honest and treats you well, all because you want to feel ..more? Or... do you learn to love the person that is in front of you because the one you want might actually be just an imaginary idea of something that might not be true? Do you chase the thrill of an extraordinary love or do you build love from the ground up?

My mom said she didn't like my dad when they initially met. She went on several dates with him before she was able to gain a liking to him and eventually with every date that they went on, she began to gain an appreciation for who he was, his character, how much he was putting in to be with her. She built up her love for him and now, 30 or so years later, she can say that she doesn't regret it one bit. She didn't feel like she settled, rather, she simply gave time for the love to develop. Rest assured though, she did not feel any sort of fireworks when they were initially together.

With the thought in mind that we only have one life to live, I wonder what even makes sense in love. My mind also goes to those people that did love each other at one point in time, but here they are, years later, wondering what the hell they're still doing in a relationship where the love and spark is gone. Are they simply settling and wasting time staying in a relationship that has been long over? Is the foundation of trust and compassion for one another that they built over time enough to stay in that relationship? Is it superficial to want more than a love where you will eventually feel complacent?

I'm not sure I know the answer to any of this.

Extraordinary, fiery, know-right-off-the-bat love or a build it step by step, brick by brick foundation love?

What do you think?

New scenario, old feelings

I haven't written in a while and to tell you the truth, I have lots to write about but I am falling behind on figuring out just how to express myself. By the time I have that figured out, the thought process changes and I don't even like what I initially wanted to write about. It's a dreadful cycle but I am hoping to snap out of it. I truly miss posting content every few days or so.

We're only two and a half weeks into the new year and my experiences have been nothing short of abundant. From seeing friends, to going out, to meeting new people and getting out there, I have so much to reflect on in just eighteen days. I already have two big trips booked for this year and the little ones are in the process of being planned out. Life feels good in all the right ways.

I had a lot to work through last year. The more I think about it though, that self work, was only half of the battle. Acknowledging and working through your trauma is only part of the work. I have done that bit. I would say that the second part of it is putting what you learned to the test and seeing how you interact in situations when your trauma comes to the surface and you get triggered. How do you work on staying when all you are inclined to do is run away? While I am still working on finding a definitive answer, the place holder answer can be to "give it time".

I think healing is a weird process that can take a long time even after a person can be perceived to be "healed". I don't think it happens in a linear manner and I don't think it's a well streamlined process. I think healing is messy and it creeps up as a necessity in a weird synchronicity with trauma triggers. The best way to battle both... I would say is through self-awareness.

And so, I'm giving it time. Time to process, time to experience, time to live, and time to continue to heal. The point of character is the process of building it and boy, have I been building and re-building...

Two days ago was the first fully sunny day in what has felt like ages. All of last week had been insanely gloomy and at one point, I had gotten so used to it being that way, that I was forgetting what it's like to see the sun and what warmth on skin feels like. It's interesting seeing that dynamic of getting used to something becoming the norm and being surprised when change comes along. I now have an office with floor to ceiling windows and the sun sets on my side of the office. Since sunny days have not really been a thing since moving into this office, two days ago I was completely thrown off when I had to lower the blinds because the sun was blinding me. It was a big change I wasn't ready for. This serves as a nice metaphor.

This weekend I am doing a little cottage getaway that I am really excited for. It's so easy to lose sight of your needs when your schedule is packed and I feel like I really miss being on the lake - despite the treacherous winter cold. I started dating again which has been nice. I also have been loving alone time. I'm working on practicing grace when faced with intrusive thoughts. I've been in the gym more often.

Speaking of the gym, this has been nice: In late November, I got pretty sick and I mean SICK. I was bedridden for about a week and then dealt with an annoying cough for over a month. By the time I started feeling better, it was time to go back to Windsor for the holidays. Needless to say, I was out of the gym for a while. When I returned about two weeks ago, I ran into a guy that a mutual friend had introduced to me and he was really happy to see that I was well and back in the gym and expressed concern for me for the period of time that I was not in the gym. While I barely know this guy and had said hi to him maybe a handful of times, it was nice to feel like my physical presence in the gym was noticed and my absence was acknowledged. It's nice to feel that sense of community.

Since I'm coming up on nearly four years of living in Toronto, I have been doing a whole lot of gratitude checks for how far I've come in my time here. Life's good, it really is :)