New scenario, old feelings

I haven't written in a while and to tell you the truth, I have lots to write about but I am falling behind on figuring out just how to express myself. By the time I have that figured out, the thought process changes and I don't even like what I initially wanted to write about. It's a dreadful cycle but I am hoping to snap out of it. I truly miss posting content every few days or so.

We're only two and a half weeks into the new year and my experiences have been nothing short of abundant. From seeing friends, to going out, to meeting new people and getting out there, I have so much to reflect on in just eighteen days. I already have two big trips booked for this year and the little ones are in the process of being planned out. Life feels good in all the right ways.

I had a lot to work through last year. The more I think about it though, that self work, was only half of the battle. Acknowledging and working through your trauma is only part of the work. I have done that bit. I would say that the second part of it is putting what you learned to the test and seeing how you interact in situations when your trauma comes to the surface and you get triggered. How do you work on staying when all you are inclined to do is run away? While I am still working on finding a definitive answer, the place holder answer can be to "give it time".

I think healing is a weird process that can take a long time even after a person can be perceived to be "healed". I don't think it happens in a linear manner and I don't think it's a well streamlined process. I think healing is messy and it creeps up as a necessity in a weird synchronicity with trauma triggers. The best way to battle both... I would say is through self-awareness.

And so, I'm giving it time. Time to process, time to experience, time to live, and time to continue to heal. The point of character is the process of building it and boy, have I been building and re-building...

Two days ago was the first fully sunny day in what has felt like ages. All of last week had been insanely gloomy and at one point, I had gotten so used to it being that way, that I was forgetting what it's like to see the sun and what warmth on skin feels like. It's interesting seeing that dynamic of getting used to something becoming the norm and being surprised when change comes along. I now have an office with floor to ceiling windows and the sun sets on my side of the office. Since sunny days have not really been a thing since moving into this office, two days ago I was completely thrown off when I had to lower the blinds because the sun was blinding me. It was a big change I wasn't ready for. This serves as a nice metaphor.

This weekend I am doing a little cottage getaway that I am really excited for. It's so easy to lose sight of your needs when your schedule is packed and I feel like I really miss being on the lake - despite the treacherous winter cold. I started dating again which has been nice. I also have been loving alone time. I'm working on practicing grace when faced with intrusive thoughts. I've been in the gym more often.

Speaking of the gym, this has been nice: In late November, I got pretty sick and I mean SICK. I was bedridden for about a week and then dealt with an annoying cough for over a month. By the time I started feeling better, it was time to go back to Windsor for the holidays. Needless to say, I was out of the gym for a while. When I returned about two weeks ago, I ran into a guy that a mutual friend had introduced to me and he was really happy to see that I was well and back in the gym and expressed concern for me for the period of time that I was not in the gym. While I barely know this guy and had said hi to him maybe a handful of times, it was nice to feel like my physical presence in the gym was noticed and my absence was acknowledged. It's nice to feel that sense of community.

Since I'm coming up on nearly four years of living in Toronto, I have been doing a whole lot of gratitude checks for how far I've come in my time here. Life's good, it really is :)