I think this is the angry stage of grief

I hate that I can't change anything that has already happened. I keep making up these scenarios in my head that I can't even remotely modify because I'm not in control of the past.

I hate that I have to live in the present and deal with the fruits of my actions.

I hate that everything I want seems to be in arms reach but yet so far away that I can't actually do anything about it.

I hate that I keep thinking that a phone call will change a thing or two if only I picked up the phone and type in a number that I now have memorized from the amount of times I looked at the contact.

I hate that I know that I should probably just let go in order to move on and stop dragging myself through the mud but for once, I just can't because something feels different than with anyone before.

I hate that I eventually will have to move on because realistically, I probably don't want anyone that will give up on me so easily.

I hate that in the process of moving on, I will have to talk to somebody new.

I hate that this new person will ask me about things that I have already shared with someone else and I will have to re-introduce myself, except with someone new.

I hate that eventually, someone else's hands will be on me, touching all of the spots I shared with someone before.

I hate that there's no way to guarantee that this new person will be my last.

I hate that there's absolutely no certainty that anything will work out and I will have to just trust that I won't be in this situation again.

I hate that I can't make anyone stay.

I hate that love can be given and taken away from me all in the same instant.

I hate that this is bothering me more than it should only because for once, I decided to deal with it all and work through my trauma without distracting myself with the attention of yet another someone.

I hate that I miss someone that I can't just send a message to and tell them that I miss them.

I hate that despite all the good, there was still a gap that couldn't be filled.

I hate that although I know I shouldn't feel this, I feel like I am not good enough.

I hate that I am even beating myself up for it when I know that everything that is meant to be, eventually will just be.

I hate that this got taken away from me when it was everything I'd want.

Boundaries and dreams

For a week or so I have been talking about how badly I want to go to church on Sunday and just attend a service. I am not religious by any means but I remembered a week ago about the peace that I got from going to church about 6 or so years ago. Okay let's backtrack. About 6-7 years ago or something like that, I broke up with my first ever boyfriend. I remember being absolutely devastated because that was my first ever love and at the time, I did not think that I would ever move on (silly I know). About a month into the breakup, I had told my friend that I was interested in attending a church service and she offered to come with me. It was really sweet because my church was entirely in Romanian, and her church was entirely in Arabic. Even so, every Sunday thereon, we went to church and one week we would attend the service at my church, and one week at hers. The whole thing wasn't really about religion or understanding the word of God or anything like that. Instead, it was more so about our own internal fulfillment and healing. I will never forget that because for those few months that we went, I not only felt more at peace with just how life was unfolding post-heartbreak, but I also felt so supported by my friend who willingly came to church with me and and attended services that some weeks she did not even understand.

Recently, I have been feeling that need again for spiritual fulfillment and it's kind of funny how this only tends to affect me when I go through a healing phase but I guess I sort of made it a goal of mine to go to church on Sunday.

With that being said, I have been thinking a lot about the actions and things I do when I am not relying on anyone else to bring me a dose of dopamine.Ok so hear me out... why is it that only when I'm single, I put a price on things such as spiritual healing, taking time for myself, health journey, etc etc etc.

Why do I forget these things, or better yet, ignore them when someone else is part of my life?

Why is it that a person can change the way you do things? Does anyone else feel that? I better not be the only one cause seriously, then that's a problem. I guess that's what people mean when they say that people let themselves go in a relationship. Usually I find that statement to be related to weight gain or physical appearance, which has never really been my issue. Instead, I find that when I'm in a relationship, I put my goals/dreams/aspirations/desires on a back burner in order to make my partner happy or accord them the time they desire from me. I do that without meaning to and truth be told, I guess I never really tried to set that boundary either.

I guess the point of this blog post is to become self-aware of what YOU want.

Who do you want to be?

What makes you happy outside of a relationship?

What is an activity that you have always wanted to engage in and what is stopping you from doing so?

Are you putting enough boundaries up that allow you to rationally be there for yourself?

You're totally welcome for the unpaid therapy I just put you through.

Caught up in the midst of it all

I went to bed early last night. I think I was passed out, tucked in and everything by no later than 10pm. It felt good to be so tired that I can just call quits on the day, have no responsibility to anyone to respond to or that is waiting for me or my attention. It felt good to be so tired that I don't sit in bed overthinking, I don't obsess over things that I cannot control and I don't let myself fall into this dark hole of thoughts that can eat me alive.

.....aaaaand then 5:30am hit and I was awake, sweating because it was too hot in my room and with one hand, I ripped the plug out of the wall and let my heater go to sleep. I got used to having either a fan or my heater on for white noise and as soon as my heater was off, I was left alone with no other noise than the raging thoughts in my head that were dying to come out. I swear it's so much easier dealing with life during the day because the distractions are endless, the sun helps and you can keep occupied. What the heck was I supposed to do at 5:30am when a vulnerable moment turned me against myself and I self sabotaged the hell out of any progress I had made in the last week?

And so I stayed up and before I knew it, my rational thinking was fogged up by made up scenarios, things I wish I would have said or done, things I would say right now if I were to type up a text. I looked at a picture and then searched up a name. I turned my phone off. I can't be doing this at 5:30am. After I did this for close to an hour, I got so tired mentally that I eventually told my brain to shut up and I tried to clear my mind. I sang the song Tennessee Whiskey to myself. I imagined myself dancing in the kitchen. My mind was going to a specific kitchen. God damnit Cez, stop going back there. Cleared my head again. Snapped out of it.

Right before I fell back asleep, something neat happened. I heard birds chirping outside my window. I thought...wow spring is coming. Although some days it's still cold, it was a nice reminder that after all the snow, comes spring and flowers bloom again. New beginnings. Fresh air, longer nights, warmer days. Perhaps I am also heading towards a new beginning too.