Caught up in the midst of it all

I went to bed early last night. I think I was passed out, tucked in and everything by no later than 10pm. It felt good to be so tired that I can just call quits on the day, have no responsibility to anyone to respond to or that is waiting for me or my attention. It felt good to be so tired that I don't sit in bed overthinking, I don't obsess over things that I cannot control and I don't let myself fall into this dark hole of thoughts that can eat me alive.

.....aaaaand then 5:30am hit and I was awake, sweating because it was too hot in my room and with one hand, I ripped the plug out of the wall and let my heater go to sleep. I got used to having either a fan or my heater on for white noise and as soon as my heater was off, I was left alone with no other noise than the raging thoughts in my head that were dying to come out. I swear it's so much easier dealing with life during the day because the distractions are endless, the sun helps and you can keep occupied. What the heck was I supposed to do at 5:30am when a vulnerable moment turned me against myself and I self sabotaged the hell out of any progress I had made in the last week?

And so I stayed up and before I knew it, my rational thinking was fogged up by made up scenarios, things I wish I would have said or done, things I would say right now if I were to type up a text. I looked at a picture and then searched up a name. I turned my phone off. I can't be doing this at 5:30am. After I did this for close to an hour, I got so tired mentally that I eventually told my brain to shut up and I tried to clear my mind. I sang the song Tennessee Whiskey to myself. I imagined myself dancing in the kitchen. My mind was going to a specific kitchen. God damnit Cez, stop going back there. Cleared my head again. Snapped out of it.

Right before I fell back asleep, something neat happened. I heard birds chirping outside my window. I thought...wow spring is coming. Although some days it's still cold, it was a nice reminder that after all the snow, comes spring and flowers bloom again. New beginnings. Fresh air, longer nights, warmer days. Perhaps I am also heading towards a new beginning too.