Being dealt a shitty hand and calling it resilience

Resilience is the ability to recover quickly from difficulty, it's supposed to show that someone is tough and can take on hardship and deal with it. At various points in my life I have been told that I am very resilient and I always took it as a compliment because I like to feel strong enough to deal with whatever is thrown at me. However, now more than ever, I am thinking about that other side of resilience that people don't see from the outside looking in. What if you have no intention of being this resilient being but you just have to? What if there isn't really another option other than to deal with this hardship that is being thrown at you?

I think in some sense, resilience is kind of bullshit because most times, you don't necessarily choose to be resilient, but rather have to do it.

I'm someone who feels deeply and I have a hard time detaching from people, things, places if I truly care about said people, things or places. In recent weeks, I have been challenged with attempting detachment and seeing the situation at hand for what it is rather than what I wish it was. I was told to take off my rose-coloured glasses and put myself in a position of questioning where my self-worth stands in the midst of the situation. In some sense, I had to practice resilience and choose myself, even if all I wanted to do was keep fighting for what I want.

Sometimes, the best practice to getting what you want is letting go and letting things just fall into place naturally. Don't force, don't try and control and practice resilience by doing absolutely nothing at all.

As a person who feels deeply, this is probably the hardest type of resilience I have ever had to practice because I am forced to not take a single action even if all I want to do is be involved.

Sometimes you will get dealt shitty hands and sometimes, just sometimes, you might have to do a whole lot of nothing in order to ultimately achieve what you want.

Angels in human form

I have had a girl friend in my life for about eight years or so. We haven't always been ridiculously close, but she's sort of been a constant person in my life for about the last eight years. The thing about friendships is that certain ones, can survive without the constant need for attention and it's cool when you can come together every few months or so and catch up. Sometimes it feels as if no time had gone by at all, because you're still the same two peas in a pod, with the same vibes and the same great times every time you come together.

When we first met, we were two very different individuals. I didn't necessarily like her right off the bat and I wonder if part of my dislike for her was because of a little bit of envy because she was essentially everything I dreamt of being. I was a broke college student living at home with my parents and I maybe had $20 to my name at all times. She was in a better financial situation and had a wardrobe so extensive, it could probably dress a small village. Soon after becoming friends, I began shopping in her massive closet every time I had an event to go to and that was great.

Throughout the years, we had ups and downs and all arounds but surprisingly so, she was just someone in my life. When I moved to Toronto about three years ago, she was there for my going away party and every time I came back to my hometown, she was just someone I always made time to see and catch up with.

Towards the end of the year last year and while I was at home with my parents, my whole world kind of turned upside down. Coincidentally, the day after my whole life blew up, I had plans to hangout with her. She had no idea what she was getting herself into. Our friendship sort of took a turn right around then.

Before I knew it, our super low-maintenance friendship turned into much more of a commitment with every single day that she actively pursued checking in on me. Every single day since and to the present day, I wake up to a voice note from her wishing me a good morning and asking how I'm feeling. It was always such a simple gesture that takes no longer than maybe 10 seconds, but I have no idea how to show my upmost appreciation for how much of a crutch she became for me in the last little while. I always said to myself that it's so important to surround yourself with good people who complement your life, but boy, I never expected to be blessed with such an angel. I have bad days when I don't listen to a single thing she says and I have days when I try to prove her wrong. I have days when I am difficult to get along with and I have days where I feel so broken, I don't want to do any of the positive things she encourages me to do. Through it all, she stays and she continues to check in every single day.

The truth is, and this may be quite vulnerable, but I was kicked to the dirt about three different times since and every single time, I felt like I was going right back to the starting point of fixing whatever was broken in my life and trying to understand what that meant for my progress. Some days were shittier than others and other days were so good I wanted to cry just because I was able to feel pure joy and love again. She was there through it all. Our lives got significantly busier this year and that stopped nothing. We could have been across the country from each other on trips and what not, and we still found the time to check in and ensure the other was okay. Everybody is busy, but you make time for the people you care about and that is so important. I think one of my biggest pet peeves is when people can blame a variety of reasons as to why they aren't able to keep in touch but I think it comes down to the level of care you have for a person. If someone means that much to you, you just make time.

Over the weekend I have been thinking a lot about the fact that I am better now and in a significantly more positive head space. I am doing the work on healing from trauma and I just overall feel better. Nonetheless, this morning, I woke up to a voice note wishing me a good morning and checking in on me and I will just say this: I'm really thankful for this angel of a human for making me feel so heard, validated and safe over the last few months. I really have no idea how or why I deserve her but I hope to God that everyone, everywhere, has this sort of a support system in human form because there's no amount of paid therapy that can do what she has done for me just by being present and proactive in my life.

My ex once said to me that I do not make him happy

That was some hell of clickbait eh? LOL you are not about to read some tea so calm down.

During a conversation about what makes us happy and sad, my ex said that I do not hold power over his happiness. I complement his life and his happiness is elevated by my physical being as part of his life, but I do not hold his happiness in the palms of my hands. Similarly, I do not control his sadness. I was a little butt-hurt at this idea when the conversation was happening because a part of me wanted to have that control and I wanted to have the satisfaction of knowing that he would be completely devastated in my absence. When asked to dig a little deeper with those statements, he said that he didn't want me to take it the wrong way because of course he would be sad if I no longer was in his life but that this was an emotion he would allow to himself and I didn't dictate that emotion. I guess in some way that makes sense despite me having wanted that control. I also sometimes wonder how much of that sadness he allowed to himself after we walked away from each other.

I've been giving that some thought lately because unlike my ex, I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve which often ends up with me hurting my own feelings by giving someone the power to control the way in which their actions make me feel. When I care about something or someone, it's kind of game over for me and I become this sensitive being that needs time and attention to function. If nothing else, at least I'm self aware as heck.

While I do not want to give credit here cause I still think some of that thinking is flawed, I am starting to understand the concept of being in control of creating and maintaining your own happiness and working on having that in such a secure place that no one is able to penetrate that layer and influence my quality of life by either being in my life or not. Nonetheless, I suck at creating boundaries and that's something I'm working on right now because I self-sabotage a lot. Similarly, I suck at practicing detachment and that's something I suck at even more than boundary-setting.

I guess that what I'm trying to say is that if you're like me, give yourself some time and grace to deal with it all. Boundaries are not something that can be put in place over night and sometimes you have to start off really small before you can approach the big stuff. If you carry your heart on your sleeve, learn a little day by day just how to shield that giant heart of yours from burning in the sun. Sunglasses help, sometimes a hat, and maybe, if those little steps help, you will realize the worth of putting that heart of yours under some layers of clothing and maybe even back where it belongs in your chest. Don't forget that the heart still beats and is there, but maybe just be a little more selective of who you give it out to. Change comes in many forms and the big stuff takes a little more time. Don't be down on yourself for not being where you want to be. At least you are aware and have a goal which is a big first step.