Warmth

I think one of the best compliments I can receive is for someone to tell me that I bring them comfort, warmth, a feeling of home. I recently learned that I will be living on my own as of a couple of weeks from now which is actually something I've been looking forward to for some time. With that in mind, I have been making small changes to my apartment to get it to become a home rather than just the place I'm living in. In my efforts however, I failed to be grateful for what I already have, the home I had already built.

It was June 2019 when I moved. I remember it because it was the day of the Raptors parade after they had won the championship. Arguably, it was supposed to be a great day. Needless to say, I literally hated my life and my decisions on that day. The apartment I had moved into was a literal DUMP. Everything was dirty and there was so much furniture in there that just DID NOT FIT and looked so ugly I literally wanted to cry. My parents kept telling me to be thankful of the fact that I didn't have to invest money into new furniture and just keep my head down and work it out. I didn't want to at the time though, I just wanted my dream downtown Toronto condo that was modern and cute and where I could meet cute guys in the elevator. BOY WAS I WRONG.

It took me approximately two weeks of scrubbing that place DAILY to bring it to somewhat of a decent state. I think I cried on the daily regretting my every decision to move there. At some point however, it got easier. I started adding pieces of me to the place, my mom would always send me back with a trunk full of stuff for the apartment. Slowly, I guess the apartment stopped being a place I detested and rather, a place I longed to go back to. I suppose that when most of your things are in one place, it kind of elicits that desire to return.

I didn't realize it until about a year ago, how much that apartment truly meant to me. My ex boyfriend had just left after a two months trip and I felt as if there was an empty space that remained in the apartment. I had gotten used to his presence and everything felt a little bit emptier without him. Shortly thereafter, and only after the breakup, I realized that the apartment is my home even without a person to call home. I needed to protect what was mine and what didn't have the same ability to change as a relationship status would.

And so, over the last year or so, I protected my space, the place I came to, to find peace. The bed I slept in, the bed I cried in, the room I laughed in, the space I created memories in. Ultimately, all of that is mine.

Two days ago, a few friends came over to say hi cause they were in the neighbourhood. One of them had been in my apartment before, the other two had not. I was met by such wholesome compliments about myself and my space and it was just so nice to hear. It made me happy to hear that my space reflects a feeling of warmth of coziness and that it's reminiscent of me and my personality. That someone feels comforted being in my space. It felt so good to hear those things and, I myself, was warm on the inside.

My only hope is that I always give off that vibe and that I can make every person I come into contact with, feel at ease to speak to me, to interact with me, to share a laugh with me. The world is awfully cold and it's nice to be someone that brings warmth.