Re-write the present

I am miserable somewhere deep on the inside. My outer core bleeds rainbows and butterflies though. A couple of weeks ago my boss sent me a LinkedIn screenshot. He has a knack for finding those influential, self-development quotes or advice posts. I really don't know how he finds so many of those. He shares them with me and often, this usually leads to some bigger discussion about what I intend to do with my life and where I am heading. Half the time, those discussions make me cry. As much as I am not much of a crier, lately, the prospect of the future has been nothing but a daunting topic to me.

I wrote that first paragraph just over a month ago and it's been sitting in my drafts ever since, with the title "Misery loves company". I guess that a lot can change in a month. The last month has been weird at best. I am beginning to learn that I am far from nonchalant. In fact, I am stupidly chalant. I used to think that this was actually a manifestation of my general demeanour of self-proclaimed "hopeless romanticism", but, I seem to manifest that more so in a - skip through everything really fast until I feel comfortable and secure with a person or in a particular place in my life.

Let me break that down a little. For whatever reason, once I fixate on a goal, I just want to reach it. I don't want to stop and smell the roses, I don't want to try to walk the less traveled path, I don't want to entertain the idea of an alternative. I just want the fastest possible way to reach that goal. Be it a relationship, a professional goal, you name it. The concept of slow burn only sounds appealing in the books I read but not in my own life.

That said, this isn't a conscious thing I do when I'm in the moment. In reality, I think that the concept of letting something run its course and seeing where the path takes me, sounds quite beautiful. So why do I try so hard to control the narrative?

My boss would probably say that it has something to do with my childhood and some sort of anxious attachment style. We've been having a lot of talks of that nature in relation to leadership lately. Apparently letting people be exactly who they are and not trying to control the way they act and react is a learned skill. Taking a step back requires discipline and a different type of control. A control that allows you to blindly believe that things will just fall into place as they are supposed to - even if the outcome is not what you'd actually want. To me, that screams failure, even if I do understand that you really can't always control everything.

I'm used to fire, urgency, hunger. I'm used to deadlines, staying up all night talking because we just can't get enough of each other. I am not used to slow. I am not used to controlled. I am not used to letting someone take lead when I know how to do it myself. Perhaps this is my flaw and I need someone to ground me - I mean this both professionally and romantically.

I've always been a black cat. I have very few of the golden retriever qualities - perhaps just the loyalty. It's not a bad thing to be either - at least I don't think so. I'd like to think that I am surrounded by a lot of golden retrievers and that helps me stay grounded, not run away or get scared or anxious as much as I perhaps would if I were to be on my own. Patience does not run long with me. I don't like uncertainty and I distance myself from anything that even has the potential to hurt me in the near future.

I don't know how to be different and unlearning these (somewhat toxic) tendencies has proven itself to be quite the task. I am trying though. I am trying to "chill out". I am trying to stop putting too much thought or heart into anything too soon. I am trying to accept that not everything always works out and the road to coming to that conclusion does not have to be grim. I can enjoy the process without thinking about what's next. In reality, all of this sounds painful to the formulation of my brain, but, I am trying.

If you've ever found yourself in this place, I hope you didn't feel alone. If you are now in this place, I want you to know that you are not alone. It's true that our minds can be the most beautiful and devastating thing to happen to us and although nothing is wrong per se on the surface, the things that are wrong in our minds have just as much power over our bodies as the ones we can physically see and touch.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.