Being a lover girl sucks

Have you ever seen those memes late in the year that go something like "2025 is gonna be my year!!" and then right below that is a picture of a defeated person with explosions happening everywhere in the background and the caption "me in October". That is me right now.

I took a lot of hits this year. Solid hits that would have sent even the most mentally stable person into a spiral. Genuinely, I have no idea how I made it to October without fully breaking down. I will give myself a pat on the back for that one. I will say that vices like drinking and smoking ciggies on the regular have helped. I have some of the greatest friends on earth who have listened to me talk about situations backwards and forwards and sideways. I metaphorically f*cked every thought process, every situation, every conversation that could have gone differently had I said something other than what I actually said in the moment.

I am tired.

Not just tired, I am mentally and emotionally drained. I am done. I don't want to do this anymore.

I write this more so because I just need to beat a dead horse just once more before I let it go, so here goes nothing.

The last few years since my last long term relationship ended, have been a mumbo jumbo of crap I have put up with, in my search for a long lasting (maybe forever) type of connection. I have not found that as of yet. This year was probably the worst for that. I tried to distance myself from expectations and let connections flow as they will. I broke my own heart over and over and over again. The thing is, I didn't even look for any of these connections per se. Yeah, I had dating apps and I was somewhat active on them, but I genuinely did not actively pursue anyone. Everything that happened literally just fell into my lap. It's not like I was all like "I need to find a man, I hate being single" type shit. If anything, whenever I was on my own, I was much happier so you can only imagine I didn't really want to ruin my peace.

In reality, I know who I am. I am so much of a lover girl that any connection that feels less than a romantic comedy, is not for me. In my search for forever, I found a lot of right now. I found the forehead kisses without a promise of tomorrow, I found the hand-holding that is meant to mean more but just doesn't. I can't keep doing this to my heart anymore.

A couple of weeks ago I met someone that instantaneously felt like he could be forever. It was quite strange how comfortable I felt being myself from the absolute get-go. In two weeks, we covered six months worth of conversation. From silly, to heartbreakingly deep, we were talking every single day without so much as running out of a single thing to say. He felt like the male version of me. With the same sort of overthinking patterns, soft heart, and a slight darkness behind his eyes built over time with every disappointing thing that happened to him. All the while, he was trying his best to remain light and positive. It was easy opening up to him because I felt like he could just get it. I wanted to just keep this gorgeous man in my arms all the time and make sure no one could ever hurt him.

In reality, that doesn't happen often anymore. Dating has not been fun or fulfilling in any way. Funnily enough, I was talking to my friend about this last night. We were watching "How to lose a guy in 10 days" (how fitting of a foreshadowing). She, (a happily taken woman in a relationship for the last few years), mentioned how a long term relationship isn't as fun and exciting as the movies romanticize it to be. She talked about how sweet they looked in those 10 days, and how she misses that sort of lustful romance that in time, looks different when a relationship becomes the day-to-day. I wanted to understand what that's like but I couldn't be further away from the sentiment. I don't know any other type of relationship anymore other than those lustful 10 days. The excitement of someone new, the giggles and dates, and the eventual just as quick incineration of the connection. It goes up in flames, gets extinguished and when the dust settles, it's time to move on. I don't even have the time to get real feelings for anyone cause it falls apart quicker than my heart has the opportunity to really get comfortable with anyone. While I have had the opportunity to meet great guys along the way and had great laughs and fun, the impermanence of these lustful and temporary connections are starting to wear me down.

How do you explain that to someone? That your attempts at dating have been such a tragic dumpster fire? That you can walk into a connection thinking it has potential but in reality you are dealing with someone who is emotionally unavailable and they string you along for just enough until the connection eventually dies down to the point you have to walk away to put yourself out of further misery? How do you explain to someone that you might have the purest intentions and still be the person who has to end things because your heart deserves better? How? How? How?

I have a hard time accepting the end of this one because if he's anything like me, well, this probably meant something to him too. That said, I find myself at a crossroads. On one end, I have always been the kind of person to fight for what I want and try over and over again until it eventually works in my favour. On the other hand, he walked away and he could have meant it. I might not be the person he desires, and perhaps I need to come to terms with that.

But maybe, I just need to leave it up to fate. He might miss me too and read these very words (I have my fingers crossed on this being the case). And if he does, well... hey!

I will say this though - I can't do this to myself anymore. So if it's not him, well, I am taking a hiatus from men and taking a break. I don't intend on redownloading any apps, I don't intend on entertaining anyone anymore and I quite frankly cannot even fathom doing so for a long while. So if you're reading this and still need time, rest assured, I do too and I will not be "moving on to the next".

This ending was a hard hit for me because for once, I wasn't mistreated or not appreciated. I was baking cookies with a guy who suggested that we do that. I never had that before. And no, this isn't me romanticizing the idea of baking cookies with a man. I simply felt seen.

The new iphone update sends your deleted text threads to a recently deleted folder. I always delete the thread when something ends cause I am tempted to re-read everything, think about where it all went wrong and send myself into a deeper spiral than I was already in. I deleted that thread but I can't bring myself to delete it from the recently deleted folder just yet. 3,860 messages. Ouch.

And so, I will sit my ass down and work on me in the meantime. I will look inward and not let the lover girl in me die on account of all that has happened to me this year. I will simply build her back up and maybe, just maybe, one day someone will love her in the same way she wants to pour love into someone.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.