Solitude as a whole

It's 5:28pm when I enter my apartment. I close the door and lock it immediately behind me. I have this irrational fear of unlocked doors, although I would argue it's probably more rational than anything. I ask Alexa to play soft jazz music at volume 4. I set down my slice of pizza that I got for free because of a coupon I got last night at the game. Thank god I have one less meal to worry about before my trip because I have 5 days of feeding myself left before I fly out on Saturday. I take my jacket off and hang it in the closet all while kicking my shoes off. The sun is starting to come down, lighting up the entire living room. It's warmer here than in the other rooms because of it. The sunlight is unobstructed. I light up a candle.

I make my way to my room and undress and then tiptoe my way to the bathroom to turn the shower on. I hate sitting in the house in my outside clothes so I like to undress and shower as soon as I get home. The hot water feels good on my skin. I think about the toiletries I need to pack as I apply a coffee scented exfoliating scrub on my legs. The mirror is foggy when I get out of the shower and my big beach towel feels nice and soft around me. I step out of the bathroom to see that the living room is turning orange from the shades of light the sun is putting on display. After taking it in for a couple of moments, I walk back to my room to change. A Dean Martin song comes on. I soak in the moment.

I started a book about a week ago that is rather voluminous. I like slow-burn romance novels because it gives me something to work for and look forward to as opposed to the quick in and out novels. Both great but for different reasons. I like being patient with this one. I head back to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of chocolate milk and find a comfortable spot on the couch to sit with my book. I like sitting out here when the sun is setting. The room is starting to turn pink.

The playlist changes again to just melodic jazz, no lyrics. Perfect for me to start reading. Before I know it, the room is getting dark and I am deep into this book. I should probably get up and turn on a light. I retreat back to my room.

Life is freaking beautiful even in these small moments with myself. I hate thinking about the fact that we sometimes spend so much time upset and lacking confidence, ambition and gratitude when something as small as what I just wrote about can make you feel so whole. I read somewhere that it's the most beautiful thing worrying only about yourself in your 20's and truly finding that company within yourself to do the things you want to do, on your timeline and for your very self. It's interesting to see how much time we spend on other people, their wants and needs, and make compromises about what is important to us while satisfying them.

I love coming home to my own place every day and not having to worry about anyone. I love putting on my jazz music and unwinding by myself in my own way. I love not texting anyone back and leaving my phone in another room knowing that I don't need it because there will be no one looking for me.

All the same, I love taking off on my own. In 5 days I will be reunited with my favourite love - Europe, and embarking in a new adventure. With grace, solitude and a yearning for life, I can't wait to just be.