Right now.

A fleeting moment with a handsome stranger, dancing my night away. A swim that lasted approximately 32 minutes, a couple dozen laps. A yummy dinner made at home, fresh flowers to keep me company. An unpaid therapy session, a 5k walk with a friend. A pilates class, a Sunday church service. A spontaneous trip booked outside of the country, a fancy hotel.

In some ways, I feel rejuvenated. In other ways, I am scared of everything that is to come. Having been in a long-distance relationship up until a few months ago and almost immediately after jumping into something that was also sort of long-distance, I lost parts of myself that were supposed to be here in Toronto. I focused so much of my time on these partners and keeping up with them and wanting to constantly be with them wherever they are and to give them my undivided time and attention, that I stopped thinking about and being present within the things I was doing here, in Toronto. I would go to the gym technically for myself, but I always looked forward to give the update to my partner. I would go out to plans only to be excited to go back home and hop on a call with my partner and tell them all about it. That part was always much more exciting. I hate that I did that because now, I have been left to pick up all of the broken pieces by myself. I know it's no one else's fault but mine but fuck, this has been hard.

How do I fall back in love with a place that I have simply ignored for nearly two years? How do I fall back in love when I've been absent minded and have just been going through the motions with no real direction to myself?

Well, I guess I start at square one. This isn't meant to be some self-pity shit because I'm over crying myself a river. I'm good and I can carry myself out of any rut. I figure shit out, I'm resilient, I have a good support system and good people in my life. In the end, I work it out and that's just it.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been working on figuring out who I am, what I want, where I am headed next, who do I ultimately want to be as a partner and what I desire in a partner, what my goals are, what my non-negotiables are, and what the fuck am I doing in Toronto. Well, I think I am at least a little closer to answering some of these. I started swimming again which as some of you might know, swimming was once upon a time a big part of my life so it's nice to be back in the water. I have been making some new friends and also strengthening other friendships which proved to be fruitful because I have been coming to terms that perhaps just like clothes, we outgrow people too and sometimes long friendships are not necessarily reflective of the quality of the friendship and I'm okay with that. I have taken certain steps towards bettering my mental health because as lots of other people, I have been dodging my feelings by distracting myself and not really dealing with the darker parts of things. I started taking ownership of my actions and letting myself truly dive into trauma, healing, feeling feelings and all that. Some of this stuff is absolutely dreadful and I hate just how many emotions I really am forced to feel but hey, it's for a good outcome.

Today, I truly said fuck it all and booked a little weekend getaway for myself outside of the country. I feel like I often seek validation in other people and their company and sometimes, that drags me down more than it lifts me up and I think I'm coming to terms with doing things for me more often. At the end of the day, it's my life so I should be at least a little bit selfish with my time and energy. I didn't consult anyone in my decision and instead, spontaneously booked a hotel for myself in the heart of a city that I've been wanting to visit for a while. A solo decision for a solo trip and I couldn't be more excited.

This whole self-discovery thing is messy and just like healing, it's not linear at all. Some days I feel like I really know the direction in which I am heading, and other days I am still on the verge of hitting send on a text that probably should not go out. I guess it's all part of a process that I am trusting will get easier one day. I've been reading again and that gives me some sort of hope that I am returning to the person I like to think I am. I am going home to my parents' place in just under a month and I have been dreading that. Not the seeing my family part cause I obviously love them and want to see them, but because the last two times I was there, I was so broken that my mind now associates pain and heartbreak to be representative of my parents' place. I hate that because it's one of my favourite places to be and now I have to face my sad memories every time I go there.

I've been thinking a lot about the people who bought my book, the ones of you who still read my blog. It's interesting to me that there are people out there who find some sort of comfort in my writing since most times I feel so lost that I just write whatever's on my brain at the moment and I rarely think about how these words might affect someone reading.

I've got good things to look forward to in the months to come. I guess that for now, I should still focus on the growth, the moulding or re-moulding of my character, the finding of thy self.

These are frantic thoughts, but thank you always for joining me in my cez talks xo