Reflection

I started reading a book tonight, the first one in a long time. I enjoy reading but lately I feel I haven't made an honest effort to keep that up. It's a contemporary romance by Christina Lauren (my read of choice) and a part of it struck me. For context sake, a mother was talking to her daughter about a boy the daughter had met and the mother had asked if she liked him. The daughter, defensive, spoke about not wanting to get her hopes up. To this, the mother responded with "It's not like you won't be disappointed regardless if nothing happens. I don't know why people think permanent denial is better than temporary disappointment."

This resonated with me because immediately upon reading, I thought -guilty -

I feel a lot of us probably have done this exact thing and probably on more than one occasion. We avoid getting close and knowing someone to their core because of what? We're scared of disappointment? We're scared to tell someone how we really feel because of a temporary let down? I mean regardless, if they don't feel the same, we still get let down. So why drag it on?

See it's kind of silly that I say all of this now while being entirely complicit in this sort of behaviour. I think part of it, the reason we don't say how we feel or question how others feel is because of the fear of feeling as if we are not good enough. While this shouldn't be the case, it seems almost justified as a human behaviour. And then some settle because they're scared to wander and see if the grass can be greener elsewhere. Some settle because they hold on to someone who satisfies most of their boxes but they're scared they will never reach perfection anyway. I think that terrifies me. I have heard about people who marry someone that does not light them up inside because they were scared they'd eventually end up alone if they didn't. I think I would rather choose to be alone than sleep next to someone I didn't love with my whole heart.

I remember how anti feelings and relationships I had been before all because of a past heartbreak and every time I would get close to someone I would back away because well, I was comfortable loving myself because I could never harm myself the way someone else can. It became my logic, my way of being. So I would indulge in the chase, when things were great and no problems arose. As soon as things would get serious, and the question of "what are we?" would come about, I would decide it was time to slowly ghost. Was it the right thing to do? Probably not. Do I feel bad about it? Also probably not. But it was my way to cope. I couldn't get heartbroken if I was doing the breaking. Although, when I think about it, I always kind of felt bad too. I might be talking in circles.

And then there are the exceptions of course - the people who despite it all, carry their hearts on their sleeve and go into a new encounter completely and whole-heartedly open minded. Sometimes I wish I could be like that. To take everything with a grain of salt and go into the next knowing that I took the memories and left the bad times behind. You know, as I write this down, I strangely start to believe it. I mean if other people can do it, why can't I right? Nonetheless, the above paragraph is mostly a product of the past, I feel like I am more of this paragraph now than the last - or at least I would like to tell myself I am.

I guess everyone has a way of coping when they are hurt or have been hurt. However, I think we all also dream about that happily-ever-after. So maybe temporary disappointment might steer us in that way. Life is not meant to be lived in a shell that is all-protective of anything that may harm us.