Reflecting and stuff

I can't believe today is March and two whole months have passed. Feels like it was just yesterday that I was so terrified of getting through the holiday season alone and now, it's almost spring and in some ways, I feel more lost than ever.

A bunch of things have been on my mind over the course of the last few days as I am slowly embarking on a journey of change. I was told that my best raw self comes out when I write so I decided that maybe it's time to get back to this, at least for a while if it feels right. I was told that an artist is represented through their art and perhaps, my words will represent that. It's tough when you talk about yourself because certain parts that you would otherwise keep to yourself, tend to come out. The truth is, I have probably dozens of entries sitting in my drafts because over the course of the last eight or so months, I have struggled to write. I get as far as a few sentences in and I almost always end up closing the tab because I can't bring myself to finish. I guess I just haven't allowed myself to feel more deeply and comprehend my emotions. I'm hoping that I finish this one because you have no idea how much shit is in this brain of mine.

Last week I had a very romcom type of moment that I keep replaying in my brain because it gave me a level of serotonin that I can't even begin to explain. It was a simple moment, those types of moments you see literally in romcoms where a couple brushes their teeth next to each other in the bathroom, they catch a glimpse of one another in the mirror as they're brushing, they lean into each other and giggle and it turns into one of those moments that they just treasure forever. It was that kind of a moment with that exact scenario too. I'm smiling just thinking of it just cause it felt so special in the moment. A juvenile and pure, innocent moment where I felt more love within me than I felt in years. If I could have that memory locked into my brain forever, I think I would forever love to look back at it.

I think for a few months, I've been struggling with a bit (maybe a lot) of an identity issue. I tend to find myself falling in love with the life of other people while I often tend to disregard my own. I'm not sure why but I feel a sort of stalemate as of late. I don't really like where I am but I don't hate it enough to actively pursue leaving. I kind of want to move, but not sure where to go. Been thinking a lot about how cool it would be to live in the States just cause whenever you need a change of scenery there, changing states is so much more doable without getting too far from the place you started. Where the hell am I gonna go in Canada that is worth living in if it's not Toronto? Vancouver and be a billion hours away? Nah. I like proximity to my family while also not having a single desire to live in Windsor again. I've been flirting with the idea of going backwards towards Windsor but States side. After being in Detroit last week, it reminded me just what a different world it is and still only a twenty minute drive from Windsor. Detroit could be a possible destination but I also don't have much of a reason to put that much effort into that big of a change. Just flirting I guess. My life isn't bad, it just needs a little spicing up.

I also think I'm a hopeless romantic in that while I have personal goals, I always romanticized the idea that all of these life decisions are better made with someone by your side. I've been thinking a lot about healthy relationships, long lasting relationships and what those mean and while I know there's no one definition for how a relationship is supposed to be solid and last, I think I have a good idea of what I want. It's important to be with someone who you click with both mentally, emotionally and physically, but at the end of the day, I think a relationship that lasts is all about work and who is willing to put in work without giving up. It's about communicating and coming to a common conclusion, never an ultimatum. It's about learning to walk together when you may have had different paces all along. It's about giving and taking and issues will still arise but the partner that is meant for you, is supposed to say "how will we fix this?" and never walk away. I don't know, I guess that's just how I view it because I don't really give up. You sometimes need years to really understand, process and fall in love more and more with your partner and that is all reliant on time, on growth. With time comes fights, issues, and all of that, and your partner is supposed to be your rock in terms of fixing it. I kind of laughed reading back this whole paragraph because while it seems that I subconsciously know all of these things, I somehow still always approach relationships or let myself be approached in all the wrong ways.

I learned this yesterday about myself but in all of my past relationships, I have always been the one who, til the last moment, I wanted to work on things and make them better because I would rather be the one getting my heart broken by someone, than to live with the guilt of what could have happened if we would have been able to work it out and keep going. I guess it's easier for me to move on if my partner walks away first because I can live with the fact that I wanted to fight all along. It's kind of sad really... I don't know why I'm like this.

I also learned today that I have an anxious attachment style which is stemmed from abandonment issues and the fear of someone walking away and me being left alone which is pretty valid I guess. It makes sense that I would always be the one to cling on to someone til my last breath.

I also am the kind of person who has watched too many romcoms and sort of hopes that one day, when the stars align (if they do), if two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back to each other. Maybe I need to snap back to reality, who knows.

I was recently told that the very part of me I used to love most, is not there right now. I used to be an open book who not only loved to talk about anything and everything, but also loved to hear and ask the same of the people I was with, whether friends, lovers or otherwise. I used to love to ask questions and explore the deepest parts of people and fall in love so quickly and I'm pretty sad to come to a realization that I haven't been doing that, my light has been dimmed over the course of the last year and that kind of sucks. More so, I hate that in losing myself for a little while, I also hurt other people who expected me to be better.

I guess this is all a part of self discovery and perhaps, as much as my book was sort of a self-discovery book, maybe now, more than ever, I need to come to terms with who I am. Maybe I need to re-read my own book and see which parts of Cez I want to keep around.

It is March and that means new beginnings, a new season is underway. Maybe it's my time to hop back on my creative journey and start creating again. I know there's a few of you who have been looking forward to me writing again so if you are reading this, send me your thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Until then, thank you for coming to my Cez talk xo.