Meaningful contributions

I am at a weird point in my life where I am constantly asking myself:

"What's next?"

Be it in my professional work assignments, my personal life, my well-being, I constantly feel as if something is missing or is in the process of evolving into something else. I don't necessarily like to think that way because I generally am a "glass half-full" person, but simultaneously, I feel certain voids. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing to fix that or if there even is a solution to it. I've made some rash decisions lately that I am not entirely happy about and I have also made some necessary decisions that I have been avoiding.

It's weird how we are often very aware of the things we are avoiding or putting off doing although they are things that could benefit us or at the very least, change our lives for the better (for the most part). I am fully aware that there are certain parts of my life that are not fulfilling but I don't know if I am ready for the change that is necessary in order for those things to change. Change is good.. necessary... but change is also scary and nerve-wracking. I am not sure what I am so scared of, adulting is supposed to be scary. Who even has their shit together? I sure as hell don't and more so, I am far from it.

Speaking of having shit together... when are we supposed to fully grow up and have the career, house, etc etc etc? I feel like I am walking this weird path where on one side I have the example that my parents set by getting married young, working together towards several businesses and a common goal of creating a home for their future family, and ultimately devoting their life to each other, their children and familial relations while working hard to create the comfort of owning their own stuff. On the other hand, I know that this was the way of the past. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. Lots has changed since then and the world has proved to be full of opportunities that can be chased. People are no longer tied to the traditional 9-5 and can work remotely if they so should choose to lead their life. People can travel and go wherever their heart desires. Yes, I get that there are generational differences.

However, in some ways, the generational differences are still intertwined in the ways of the past. Most people still have a 9-5 and still follow the pattern created by the generations before them. Some still get married young and follow the path that my parents followed. I am not saying that there is a right or wrong way to do it, and in no way am I saying that my parents did it wrong. In fact, they are very happy.

What I am trying to say is that I am conflicted. I don't know where I stand or where I want to stand. In some ways, I want to be that person that just has their life in order and works towards a home and a settled sort of life. But is that settling if you choose to do that? In other ways, I want to say fuck it to it all and take off and travel, live my life. Work shitty jobs only enough to fund my way through my travels. Be a digital nomad until I ultimately have no choice but to settle. I hate the word "settle" cause it almost feels like it has a negative connotation associated with it even if I don't necessarily mean it in a bad way.

I am not entirely sure if I know what I am chasing. Some sort of fulfillment? Meaningful contribution? To what? To who?

TBD.