Let's talk about fears

Fears are often something that most people tend to keep to themselves because they do not want to show vulnerability or give someone the upper hand in a situation. I often tend to be that person myself. Why give someone the ammunition that could in turn be shot right at you? I get it, I really do.

Nonetheless, fear makes us human and puts things into perspective about the very person that we are.

I posted a piece a few days ago reflecting on my year and within that post I did not talk about fear. I did not talk about the many days I spent stressing or overthinking situations that I may or may not have had the ability to change. I did not for example, talk about when I gained that crush, how badly I feared it not working out because I would say the wrong thing before I even had the ability to meet him and defend my character in person. I do not talk about it now either although in some ways, that fear never left. We often focus on the days we enjoy and have good memories of, as opposed to dwell on the days we stressed out and that is also probably why fear was not covered within the post.

I did not talk about how much I wondered if I was wasting time and potential in my day-to-day life. Whether it was concerning my career, my overall happiness, my love life, my general future. I questioned on many occasions if I was happy. I questioned if I liked or even tolerated my job. I feared not doing or being enough.

Most of all, I feared and still do fear the potential that I am not on the right path, whatever that may be. I question every day whether or not I am doing the right thing or if it is enough. What is enough? What quantifies it?

A couple of friends of mine have recently come out of relationships that were pretty long. Some even moved to other places for their significant other and the relationships ultimately did not work out regardless. I think just what hit me hardest initially was the fact that this is happening to my friends around the holidays. I couldn't get it out of my head for a while.

I then thought about what trust means in a relationship. I remember a few years ago being absolutely anti long distance relationships. Like so anti them, I could not comprehend how somebody could just wait sometimes months at a time to see someone they love. I guess I have never quite been in love like that. I had this fear (and I probably still do) that if you are in a long distance relationship, you are technically living two different lives: you still go about your regular life doing whatever you do, and then you have your long distance relationship life. In your regular life, there is the potential of at any point, someone walking up to you and changing everything because ...well because they're there physically and your long distance partner is not. That seems scary to me.

But then, in retrospect, that could happen regardless of distance right? You could sleep with someone in the same bed every night and still not know what they do in their time away from you. In that sense, I guess that's where trust comes in. The reality is that you never really know anything for certain and that in itself is scary, but in some ways, you just have to have faith that it will either work out in the end, or be equipped for it not to. And that applies to just about everything, not just relationships.

You have to put your trust in the fact that whether it be your partner or whatever, that person chose you for a reason. That you play a pivotal role in whatever capacity that role is part of. The point is that you, your very existence is pivotal to something or someone.

If you could turn that fear to gratitude, I guess it would be better. You would learn to appreciate a job because you know your contribution was pivotal to the operation running, as opposed to fear if you were enough. You would learn to relish in the good moments of a relationship, as opposed to fear if the other will at some point walk away. You would learn to appreciate all that you do for you, as opposed to question if it is or you are enough.

But we are only human and fear is part of it too.. right?