I wanna be a kid again

Adulting freaking sucks. There's no pause to it, there's no one to comfort you by taking over your responsibilities and there's no real end in sight. If anything, the responsibilities just keep on piling up. The reality is that once you become an adult, that pretty much is your full time job. To think that at one point in time, I dreamt of being an adult and now, I just want it to stop.

We really glamorize being an adult when we are young and that's mostly attributed to the fact that we no longer really have to listen to our parents when we are adults and are free to make any decision we want. What we often don't comprehend is that our parents have our best interests in mind and childhood really is the only time in our life that we don't have to worry about money, decision-making and the consequences that can become part of that.

It's funny really that back in the day I wanted the independence to make my own choices and now, my parents are my first call whenever I have to make a decision. Last week, I was faced with a bit of a harsh reality that is putting some things into perspective for me in terms of what I really want to do with my life going forward and whether Toronto is the right spot for me when it comes to that. I love the city but it is awfully expensive to live here and while I have a clear cut way up financially, I often wonder if that path is too slow.

And so, in being faced with having to make a decision, I called my parents. I told them my options, my thought process and they respectfully disagreed with me. I cried because I disagreed with their thought process too. I didn't really solve anything by having that phone call other than of course, I got a different viewpoint. In the end though, I still had to make my own decision. At the end of the day, my parents, while they have my best interest in their hearts and minds, they also grew up in a different world than mine and their experiences shaped their mindset, while I had an entirely different set of experiences that shaped my mindset.

I cried. I curled up into a ball and cried. Cried until my head hurt and I inevitably had to stop. The reason? I didn't want to adult anymore. Plain and simple, that day, I had enough of the adulting world and I just wanted to be a kid again. In the days that followed, I planned to go home to Windsor this weekend and be with my family. There's a certain comfort associated with being home in my old room, with my parents making all my meals for the few days I am home. It almost feels like I am a kid again. While it isn't necessarily a reality, I guess it feels like a break from reality.

In the meantime, I started feeling better. Every day, I got one step closer to making my decision and I kept sleeping on my thought process every night in order to wake up with a clearer idea of what I actually want. I am the type of person to make very rash decisions, so this "sleeping on it" process is fairly new to me in the adult decision making world.

I feel better now, although the final decision isn't quite set in stone just yet. I feel confident in what I have to do though. I guess to some extent, I just don't want to fail. I have seen so many people move to Toronto and lasting maybe a year before they inevitably moved out or back to their hometowns. I don't want to quit. I don't want to be someone who gives up. I want to do right by me yes, but I also want to ensure my success in whatever capacity that is.

Adulting sucks because you become your own boss. You are the one that becomes entirely responsible for your happiness, success and all of that. You can't really depend on anyone else and it can be lonesome sometimes. That being said, hard work, ambition and a whole lot of "sleeping on it" become your best friends in the adult world.

Eventually there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. You just have to give yourself grace through it and understand that even if it takes a while, you will still reach that light.