I bite my nails

I have probably been biting my nails for over fifteen years. I do not know why but I have this memory of a cousin of mine who came over to my grandma's house when I was about seven or eight and I remember her getting yelled at for biting her nails. I remember that at the time I was like a sponge taking in any sort of information and applying it to my life depending on whether or not I thought it made me "cool". I remember that my cousin was pretty cool so I started biting my nails because I thought that would make me cool too.

Soon after, I started biting my nails out of habit and it then turned into a habit that helped me deal with whatever stresses I was going through. Towards the beginning of my adult life, I started to look more into it. I realized that whenever I was stressed or was in a situation that put me under pressure, I would resort to biting my nails only to cope with the tingles of stress I felt in my body. It helped during my time of uneasiness but I would hate looking at the aftermath. I was a mess. My hands were a mess.

About five years ago I put on fake nails for the first time. My ex-boyfriend complimented the nails and for the first time brought to my attention that this was the first time that my hands had looked feminine. He did not mean to hurt me by saying that but it felt like a jab. I got relatively insecure about that which in turn made me stressed and I picked those nails off. He did not say much about it after.

Three years ago, upon realizing that I wanted to have more "feminine hands", I started getting acrylic fills on my nails every three weeks religiously. I tried every colour on the colour scheme. I felt good. This went on for about two years. I think I took them off permanently about a year ago.

The point of the fills was that it kept me from biting my nails. I did not think about it much when I had fake nails. But then, I took them off and went right back to it. I realized that while I had my fake nails on, I started growing white hair because the stress had nowhere else to go. It was weird but oh well, not much I could have done.

In between a year ago and about six months ago, I have been on and off about painting my own nails, chipping the nail polish off, biting my nails, and then doing it all over again. Almost a year ago, someone close to me pointed out that my nails look gross. It is true, my nails were kind of gross. I had polish on my nails but it was half chipped because I had a really stressful and frustrating day. At the beginning of that day, my nails had been freshly painted. Something happened and I was under a lot of pressure so, without noticing, I had picked at the polish on my nails until they ended up looking what he called to be "gross".

I did not say anything. I just looked at my hands and took in what I had done.

The next day I took a picture in the mirror and you could see my "gross" nails in it. My best friend saw the picture and instead of complimenting my outfit, she asked what was wrong. I said nothing was.

She asked what had happened the day before because she had noticed my nails.

The point of this post has actually nothing to do with nails. It is about mental health and checking up on your friends. I do not call out for help and within my friend group I am always known to be the "strong" friend. However, if you know me, and if you truly know me, look at my nails. They will tell you everything you need to know about whatever I am going through. If there is anything wrong with them, ask me what is wrong. You'd be surprised what I can hide behind a coat of nail polish.

(except I guess this doesn't always apply to my life given that I have had acrylic fills on my nails again for a few months but I am now in the process of eliminating that again hehe)