Go big

I just came across a snippet of a podcast episode in which a girl asked for advice on what she should do if she just found out that the person she thinks might be “the one” got engaged. I know this description is super anti-climactic, but the podcast host essentially told her to “go big” and reach out to the guy and shoot her shot one last time. If he reciprocates the feeling, then great, but if he doesn't (since he totally did propose to another girl), well then she would at least finally have that finality she longed for.

It seems like forever ago now but at the end of January of this year, I had to do something similar and that’s so insane of me to think about now because it feels like this happened forever ago. I guess I’m finally in a space and time in life where I can openly talk about it without feeling any type of hurt.

I met someone pretty great about a year and a half ago that unfortunately, just didn’t work out. I wrote about him before cause he left a pretty big mark on me. Despite this being outside of my character, I tried to keep in touch, and he also reciprocated that from time to time. I guess I felt that if I could get over the hurt of not having him, I could potentially keep him in my life as a friend since he did seem like a great person and it could be a pretty cool friendship. My feelings were too strong though and I couldn't separate them from what a friendship would entail. I was too on edge... it would have never worked.

I did like him a lot, but I had a lot of growing and healing to do at the material time and I don’t think that I put my best self forward back then. It is what it is though and I learned some valuable lessons along the way. At the beginning of this year, we had some interactions that left me questioning essentially whether he might want to pursue something with me romantically again given that about a year had passed since we initially tried to make it work. That being said, he wasn’t giving me much to work with and I grew impatient because a year had passed and we were still sort of in touch and my feelings weren’t going away and I needed to know if there was anything at all to still potentially pursue. Friendship wasn't an option.

I wrote a big old text. I read and re-read it probably 100 times and adjusted the wording. I paced the room in circles deciding whether or not to send it. I wanted to shoot my shot one last time so that I can have the peace of having a definitive answer. Did he want me or did he not?

Spoiler alert – he did not.

And that is totally okay. I needed to hear him say that (or rather type it out).

I had created this illusion in my head that if he was still actively checking up on me, he might still be considering the possibility of “us”. I was wrong. I guess guys just do that.

Having finally gotten the exact text that I needed to move on, I felt at peace. I was seeing someone during that time that I wasn’t sure I was fully invested in since I was still actively thinking about the other guy so, on the same day, I ended things with him. Two ends in one day – woo! (that was a sarcastic woo)

I haven’t really actively dated since. Some dates here and there. It’s been peaceful and quite nice. I’ve been travelling a fair bit so I think I like the freedom of falling in love with someone new in every new city or country I visit. It’s fun just having no tie to anyone. The freedom to pursue whoever, whenever. To not have a boundary on the conversations I could have or the kisses I could share. I think I needed to have that time to fully find myself and be on my own to know what I ultimately would desire a partner for.

I don’t really think about that guy anymore. Ok I'm lying, I do still think about him sometimes but not in the same way. While I don't have any regrets about what happened, I do sort of wish that I kept the door open for a "hello, let's grab a coffee when you're in town and catch up". I do think that he would have made a nice friend but I burned that bridge in the midst of me licking my wounds. And again, that's totally okay. If burning that bridge is what I needed to heal, I will give myself the grace of accepting that.

While I digress a bit, the point I want to make is that I don't think there's anything wrong with putting your cards on the table and telling someone exactly how you feel. I think we live a lot of our lives in fear of a perceived "what if" that may or may not happen. If you just say it, you'll have the opportunity of finding out either what you hope for, or what you fear most. If it's the latter, you can now start the process of healing, rather than continuing to live with the what if. I'm not ashamed or embarrassed to admit that I would have wanted him to pick me and that I felt dumb when I realized that I could have said that exact thing months before and gotten my answer then. Instead, I waited about a year to speak up because I thought that in that year, he might have some grand realization that I was the love of his life. That's not to mean that during that year I didn't meet anyone new or talked to any other guys, but, in the end, I was always one foot in and one foot out because there was still that thought of "what if".

As a final thought, I guess just do whatever the fuck you want. Tell people you love them if you do, tell them you think about them if you do. There isn't enough love in the world and everyone can be appreciated a little bit more than they are. I think the most beautiful thing about my writing is my ability to share in the most raw and vulnerable way. I have been lacking that lately and I am glad I am finally putting out a piece that highlights some very raw and vulnerable moments where I put my heart on the battlefield and it got shot to pieces but it was a beautiful thing. It makes me, me and I love that vulnerable girl.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo