Full circle

One of my close friends moved out of the city this past spring. We had only gotten close over the last year or so but her move really affected me. I was at a place in my life where things were starting to make sense in terms of friendships, people, places and the things I was doing. I felt a sense of belonging and her leave left somewhat of an empty place in the space I had finally considered to be whole.

This past Friday, my best friend of a decade moved as well. She moved even further away than the place in which we met, our home town that we both left in the pursuit of Toronto. This one really hurt although I know I'm just being dramatic because I know she did something that will benefit her in the end. She deserves to feel whole too so I know that if this new city has the ability to give her that, then she needs to pursue it whole-heartedly.

I met a friend for birthday drinks over the weekend at a college bar that I absolutely needed to show to him and coincidentally was also across the street from where he just moved to. This is a friend that I made at home and that moved to Toronto just a few weeks ago. He seemed both happy and sad to be in the city and expressed how much our hometown makes much more sense for him as opposed to the chaos that is Toronto. He asked me what it is that makes Toronto home for me. I didn't have to think too deeply about this since I had been thinking about it for some time, even more so I guess this year. Over the holidays last year, I ended a friendship with someone that lived just down the street for me. In the spring, my close friend moved away up north, and just two days prior to this conversation, my best friend of a decade also said sayonara to the city. Needless to say, I had been thinking quite deeply about the reasons that keep me in Toronto.

I told him about the people that left and the emptiness it created. I also told him about the memories left behind and how my heart hurts a little every time I remember something good. I also told him that it fills my heart up with joy knowing that those memories were created in such a special city and I get to re-live them every so often simply by being in those places. I told him that at some point, things come full circle and quite frankly, his very being across from me, was filling up some of that emptiness.

While I lost some people, I didn't lose them forever. They're still friends, but friends in a different city, no different than those I left behind in Windsor when I left. That doesn't mean the friendships ended, but rather that we can get together again and again with every short visit. As for Toronto, well, he just moved to the city which means I'll see him more often. A few months ago, a different friend from Windsor also relocated to the GTA and just this past weekend, another friend of ours moved in with her. Look at that. Before I had the time to mourn the fact that some friends simply had to pack their life up and go, new ones moved right in and erased that feeling of emptiness.

In starting to feel like life is coming full circle, I told him that outside of the people, Toronto really is exactly what I needed when I left home. It is the city that allowed me to grow and spread my wings and become tough. I laughed, I cried, I loved, I got my heart broken to pieces in this city. I made friends, I ended friendships and friendships were ended with me. All in all, I found a place that I can call home, where I feel like I am home and that accepts me for me. I have good people around me, both in the city and afar, a support system, I am happy.

I think it's kind of cool to have these full circle moments of realization, of gratitude, of overall appreciation for who you were, are, and have the potential to be.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.