Feeling feelings or whatever you want to call this

I watched a sappy love movie last night. Do you ever just know in advance that you're about to sign yourself up for a movie that will absolutely rip your heart into shreds and make you cry like a baby and you still do it anyway? It's like having a choice as to whether you want to continue being sane or choose chaos within your heart and you just choose the option that will absolutely ruin you while being completely conscious that this is precisely what you're about to do.

Needless to say, I cried my heart out last night. I probably needed it because it brought me to understand certain emotions I've been avoiding. I typically don't like to cry. I don't see a reason to unleash the crying considering I will likely end up with a wild headache and a need for an extra strength ibuprofen. The only times I really cry are when my heart gets broken, typically by either really sad movies or men (what's new). Last night I kind of combined the both into the same crying session and I'd say that was pretty strategic of me now that I think about it. I just made myself laugh LOL. But anyway. So I give myself a good ten or so minutes to really cry it out. The nice part about living alone now, is that I could put on a full performance and cry out loud. It was great. Okay I need to stop with the jokes.

I guess that during this crying sesh, I really came to terms with the fact that I used to have someone to tell about these things and that person is no longer here to comfort me and that was a sucky realization. No matter how many distractions I can choose to be exactly that, distractions, it doesn't really change who this person was to me and I think I really let that wash over me last night. If things were different, I know that person would have hopped on a call with me and made me smile. God, the simple sight of his face made me smile. I didn't even need a conversation, I just needed to feel that energy.

I'm going home to my parents' house this week and I've been sort of dreading that. Crazy to think that not so long ago, I was so excited to make trips home more often and now I am absolutely detesting that thought. I know the sight of my parents, sisters and dog will put me in a better place, I guess I am just moping today and being a little negative.

I like words because they let me access parts of my brain that I can't really comprehend with just thought. Writing these words down just makes me truly appreciate and untangle what goes on inside of my head. Am I likely over sharing? Yeah but I'd rather be me than a toned down version that I had put on display in the past.

Have a happy week, my heart goes out to all of you who might also be emotionally dealing with some crap.