Feelin' a way on purpose

It was December 31, 2016. A friend and I took off from Windsor (home) to Toronto for a few days for the celebration of the new year. We had exciting plans ahead and I was super looking forward to it given that I had just come out of a relationship that was emotionally draining. This was like my return back to life. I remember the car ride and blasting music, singing along and just how excited I was to be in Toronto, a city that always seemed like it was calling my name.

Toronto has this pretty cool highway leading up to the city called the QEW/Gardiner Express and if you're coming from west of Toronto, you get to see a really dope skyline image of the downtown core. As you get closer, you can look up at each massive building and above all, you get to see the CN tower in all of its glory.

I remember that as we were approaching the downtown core and the city was unravelling itself in front of my eyes, I was playing the song Feel no ways by Drake. For some reason that stuck with me and that exact moment ended up playing in my head for years to come. The song itself became the anthem of driving into the city. It became tradition to play it just as I would be approaching the city. That exact moment also was something unprecedented for me. For some reason, and don't judge me I know it sounds a little silly, but for some reason, that moment felt like a light bulb just going off in my head saying that this was the city for me. It was one of those *ding ding ding* hello you are supposed to be here moments. It stuck with me and with every moment that I had in the city going forward, I began imagining it as my own.

Of course I was utterly in love with the life I saw on the streets. The infamous Yonge & Dundas Square, with the big bright screens, the live performances on the streets and the massive Eaton Centre. I remember how we parked randomly and wanted to grab a quick bite before returning to our hotel and we decided to enter the Eaton Centre just because I had never been. It was massive to say the least.

As we headed out and towards our hotel, we drove down King Street West which on a regular night is party central. It felt surreal to look out the window and see so many people walking down the streets despite it being rather cold outside and if I remember correctly, it was even snowing. It was magical, I felt so big and yet small in a city so full of life. Having lived in small to medium-sized cities my whole life, Toronto felt like I could finally open up my wings and let them be seen in their true glory. I wanted to live there so badly. I soaked in that feeling for the next few years to come.

In 2017, I returned to the city on several occasions. I had started dating someone in the city so partially, my excuse was seeing him, but I also just wanted to be there in the city and imagine it as my own. At various points throughout that year I wondered if I loved the city because the city itself was so great, or if the guy I was dating had an impact as to why I saw the city in such beautiful light. In reality, that guy was pretty cool (at the time). He loved showing me around and taking me places. He always took me out and made me feel extraordinary and that's a big deal because it is hard to receive attention that isn't just the bare minimum. He always went above and beyond. But enough about him for now.

Towards the end of the year, my friends and I came to Toronto and went to a few places that I had been wanting to cross off my list for a while. We finally went to Yorkdale mall which if you know me, you know that I would spend my every last dime there because that mall is spectacular. We finally walked the streets of Kensington market and got some street food and local goodies. We got to go up into the CN tower and visit the super awesome Ripley's Aquarium (tip: if you ever visit Toronto, buy the package with both of those attractions together because it is cheaper than buying them separately).

We went to the Toronto sign in Nathan Phillips Square and took some very basic touristy Toronto pictures. Although we were just scratching the surface of everything that Toronto is, it never ceased to amaze me.

I think it was in 2019 that the same guy took me to a restaurant that was part of the "underground" sort of elitist part of Toronto. It was expensive, lavish and felt as if I had just uncovered a brand new love for the city. Every time that I came to the city and experienced something new, it felt as if the city just had SO MUCH to give. The surprises never ceased to come to the surface. I loved everything about this city and I wanted to make it my own so badly.

I ended up making the city my own in the summer of 2019. Partially, it was because of the Master's program I had gotten accepted to. Another part was longing for that guy, and then the third part, was just because of my insane love for the city itself. At multiple points within that summer alone I wondered whether I had made the right decision. I'm not sure why I didn't believe those around me when they said that Toronto changes the way in which it is perceived depending on the place that you are at in the moment in which you are assessing the city's beauty. I always thought that I would have the same love for the city all the way throughout. I'm not sure I understood the magnitude of the words.

Now, let's break that down a little bit. Toronto is one of those cities where it feels like anything is possible, so far as you being a tourist (or being filthy rich). However, you cannot compare the experiences of tourists who comes to Toronto for a weekend blowing money left and right, with the experiences as a resident of the city, when every bill looks like a bill that is much higher than expected. Don't get me wrong though, because Toronto is incredible all the way. However, as a resident (a very much middle-class resident), the "anything is possible" experiences are limited to maybe once a week if you want to still have some money in your pocket.

On the other side, because Toronto is so massive and has so much opportunity, there are also very cheap ways to do really awesome things. There are so many dope holes-in-the-wall, free experiences and opportunities for entertainment. Just walking around Casa Loma is an experience in itself. You don't even have to pay the fee of going inside because the exterior is so amazing. I mean I'm sure the interior is just as amazing, but the exterior is free hahaha. I remember the first time I ever went clubbing in Toronto, I was on something called a "guest list" and apparently that meant getting into the club for free just because I was put on that guest list and probably because I was a female. With big cities, the competition is high so many awesome clubs will allow you to get in for free just because they need bodies in the club (and also if you are smart, you will pregame at home and let men buy you drinks at the club just to avoid spending any money at all hahaha). I have to say those were some cool ass times. Spending summer weekends at Cabana Pool Bar, crazy nights at Rebel and lavish nights at Lavelle. Awesome rooftop feels at Oasis, Lavelle, the Porch. I really do miss those days. I remember that at one point, I befriended all the major club promoters in the city and that calls for additional perks. Password-protected entry to clubs, first in line for concerts, vip booths and bottles. It really was the life.

Eventually, my time with the guy I was dating in the city, ended. I thought that this would affect the way I felt about the city and even make me resent the places he introduced me to. I'm glad he didn't have that much power over my love for the city because here I am, almost two years later, loving the city just as much as I did when I first moved here.

I ended up making the city my own. Finding my own lights, my own way of doing things. I started falling in love with moments and experiences and everything that I wanted to love about the city. I am not sure if I will be here forever or if it even is the place I want to forever call home but I do know one thing for certain: Toronto will always have a special place in my heart.