Can I keep you forever?

November 18, 2020

It's been a while since I felt this comfortable with someone. A really long time actually. I used to think that maybe complicated is just the way this is supposed to be. Eight or so months ago, I started the journey to slowly believing that maybe it doesn't have to be complicated. It took a while to really believe it and at first I thought that maybe the uncomplicated part was exactly what would turn out to be complicated about it. I still have my doubts that perhaps I am just living in what will turn out to be a "honeymoon" type phase in the process of complication.

A phone call a few weeks ago proved to be what would set the mood for the uncomplicated phase... or perhaps it doesn't have to be a phase but I'm still figuring that out. I guess I never quite had something so pure in my life and it stay that way. It scares me to think that there is the potential that this might end someday. I don't ever want it to.

Two nights ago, I got to hold you for the first time. It was a feeling unlike any other. To have you, to hold you, to kiss you. I am not entirely sure I even took it in enough. It feels like although I will probably cherish that memory for the rest of my life, I am already forgetting it and how special it was.

You're sitting across from me right now and we are both supposed to be working. I feel like you might actually be working, but me, not so much. Instead, I am trying to capture on paper what I feel right in this moment. But what do I feel? Love? Lust? Fear? Perhaps all of the above. I have been feeling love for a while but I would never quite admit it. I feel like the confession of love is often so convoluted and carries so much weight that the mere thought that the other person might not feel the same yet, could very well ruin absolutely everything.

Oh but if the feeling is the same, this could be everything. This would no longer be me or be you, this would be us. Love. What a scary and beautiful word.

Could it very well also be lust? Very likely. The high of finally being together physically amplifying the feeling of comfort and a sort of a safety shield. Wanting you because I never quite had you, yet not entirely sure if it is a now thing or a forever thing. I am leaning towards forever.

I guess that strikes the possibility of lust from my end. But what about you? Is it what you want? Are you just as ecstatic now as you were on that first night? Do you still want a forever with me? I suppose only time can tell.

I guess that's where the fear factor kicks in. It sucks to think that so many wrongs have led my thinking to where it is now. I used to be pure and hopeful too. I used to think that perhaps an easy love was possible. And don't get me wrong, perhaps it is. I just never grew around it. Nothing was ever easy where I come from. It's always a lot harder than I would like it to be.

I guess I digress. I can't help but think that something must go wrong before it can ever be right. Maybe that doesn't have to be the case. I could just be hopeful that you are everything I seem to think that you are. I could just have faith that perhaps one can just fall in love without the lies and the cheats. Perhaps one can just be pure and kind and everything I dreamt about having, yet never quite got... until now.

I feel an incredible thrill around you that is wrapped up in the serenity of comfort. I don't feel butterflies of excitement, I just feel safe.. home-like. I feel like I have known you for a lifetime and perhaps that is because you make it feel that way. I guess now I understand why they say home in not a place, but a feeling, a person. It is not stationary but rather ever-fluid. It is you, you are home.

Written November 18, 2020

From then to now.

It is now January 15, 2021. I remember when I first wrote that first part, I was not writing it to post it, rather, I wanted to document how I was feeling in the moment and see if the day will ever come when I post it, or if it will become a distant memory of a feeling of pure elation.

I often wonder if there is such thing as manifestation and talking a good thing into existence because I did just that. Somehow, you're mine now and everything I wrote up there has become a reality of a feeling of love that was only just developing when I wrote it. I knew I loved you then but I held back on saying it because I felt it was too soon. I did not yet know that you love me too. You now remind me everyday and I swear a part of me melts every single time.

I suppose there isn't much fear or element of surprise anymore if I allow you and the world to read this. It changes nothing. I love you and you love me and that's good enough for me.