Attract the energy you exude

I had a really nice call with a friend last night. In April 2020, a buddy of mine and I decided to make use of our quarantine time and committed to a monthly phone call every month thereafter where we just catch up. Life is busy and we all have commitments and responsibilities and sometimes we lose track of time and it has been so nice to have this long standing monthly commitment where we just put everything else aside and enjoy each other's voices and engage in conversations about everything and anything. We sometimes stay on the phone for hours on end without a single awkward silence because we just have so much to share and sometimes overshare and it's totally okay because we have become so acquainted with this sort of method of conversing.

This friend of mine has been in my life for years now and I remember the first time I met him, he was like a celebrity at my university. You couldn't walk down the hallway with him without him being stopped by dozens of people who wanted to say hi and see how he was doing. I always thought it must've been exhausting to be him. I am not even exaggerating when I say all of this either. He's always been involved in so much and pursuing so many things with so much devotion, I truly don't know how he does it all. This little back story is only relevant in showing you just how busy this guy is and somehow, I am privileged enough to steal a couple of hours of his day, every month, just to talk.

In our phone call last night, I told him that the last month was both beautiful and tragic. I felt both love and pure agony. I felt both happiness and regret. In telling him what I've been through and how I feel, he stopped me and told me how he felt about it all. Now, these weren't his exact words but he said something along the lines of:

"Cez, with all due respect, and I don't mean this in a cocky way by any means, I am someone who is busy, I am someone whose time is so valuable that people pay for it. There are people in my life that wish they could have a conversation with me that goes beyond the superficial. I don't want you to feel privileged for getting this time with me, instead, I want you to understand how valuable my time is with you, that I choose to make you a priority and share into a conversation where I am able to open up and be vulnerable and show you much more of me than I would show a large majority of people. I am the one that feels privileged to be talking to you right now."

I don't know why but that hit me hard. I realized through that, that I am someone that is worthy, whose presence is valued, that I have been so down on myself and blaming myself for stuff that perhaps was outside of my control at the time because me, the Cez at her very core, cares and asks questions, gets in depth and listens, wants to know every inch of someone's being. I have been wallowing in self-pity so badly the last couple of weeks when instead, I should have put my time and effort into shifting the narrative and working on getting that part of Cez that I love so much back to the forefront of my being. I am so worthy of the good in my life and I need to embody that in its entirety.

My friend really set me straight and explained to me that not everyone will see and understand my light. Not everyone will be able to appreciate the person that I am and that's totally okay because the energy I exude will attract only the things and people that are worthy of it. Sometimes life throws lessons our way in order to force us to really look within and see what we might be lacking and sometimes, those people that we really want to hang on to are only meant to be there to show us what we should look for once we are ready to have that sort of commitment and once we are sure enough of ourselves to be allowing someone else to take space in our minds and hearts.

He also told me that sometimes, I hang on to the good in a person because of an idea I create in my head about who that person is and sometimes, that idea, isn't actually the truth. What made that person important to me? What characteristics did that person possess that made me feel some type of way about them? Why do I like them? Why is that person great? He said that when I'll be able to pinpoint a specific answer to each of those questions, I should have a more genuine answer. Otherwise, my likeness of them could very well be a simple superficial infatuation of an idea I created in my head and not the truth.

In saying all that, he admitted that he does the same thing and sometimes puts people up on a pedestal of greatness when these people may very well be very mediocre and not at all worthy of all that praise. It felt good to know that I'm not the only one doing that and perhaps it's quite normal to wear these rose-coloured glasses around people you want to make important in your life even if they're not really deserving of that importance placed on them.

I went to bed feeling validated and worthy. It was nice to feel prioritized and important in someone's life. It was nice to feel like perhaps this is just a low and there are so many highs to be had. It was nice to flip the narrative and focus on myself.