Alone in all the best ways

I put on jazz music in the background now when I sit down to read a book. It's too quiet otherwise. I check the door about five times every night to make sure it's locked because I have this weird fear that someone will break in. I leave a lot of lights on throughout my apartment cause I've always had a fear of the dark. I walk around naked a lot. I also spill a lot of things on my naked skin and sometimes it hurts if it's something hot. I wish I was wearing clothes in those moments. I ask Alexa to tell me the headlines every morning. First thing I do when I get out of bed even if I have to pee like no tomorrow, is turn on the Nespresso and then go pee so the machine can warm up by the time I finish in the bathroom.

Life has been different since beginning to live on my own just over a week ago. It's the first time in two and a half years that I am entirely on my own without any plan to live with anyone ever again (unless that person is my husband). I'm enjoying this, I really am. Nonetheless, I've had to make a bunch of adjustments for the moments when I feel like it's a little too quiet, dark, cold, or lonely.

I'm trying to give myself grace because it's only been about 10 days and prior to that, I was with someone else almost every single day. It's normal for these changes to take some time to get used to and it's normal to feel a little lonely from time to time.

I've been putting a lot of work into my space over the last 10 days and although I can't say I'm done yet, I feel really good about the progress. I enjoy doing it when I know it's solely for my own enjoyment. I've been doing a lot of reflection, meditation, and soul work. It's nice to know that I'm doing it because of a desire for self-improvement and not because I feel lost or any sort of negative feeling. I actually feel really happy.

Being happy is convoluted because sure there's that fleeting feeling of "in the moment happiness" where something makes you feel euphoric. The kind of happy I'm talking about though is that ever-lasting one. The kind where you don't really stop feeling it and just fully get to immerse yourself in the depths of it. I really feel that way and have been for some time now. This whole living on my own thing has just been the cherry on top. It's been exactly what I needed to keep riding this high.

I guess this is more so about my gratitude to myself than anything else. I am so proud of the woman I'm becoming and how fricken strong and resilient I am. This year was so tough in all the worst ways and really, I promise this isn't even an exaggeration. I fully lost myself so badly at one point and those who stuck around saw my comeback. I have good people in my life who held those crutches for me and let me lean on them when I couldn't walk anymore. I had a tough fricken year and to see me at this point writing about achievements and continuing every single day to practice resilience and gratitude no matter how many times I've been kicked to the dirt this year? I'm really grateful that I kept trying and didn't let any of those hardships put me down. God, I really am proud of myself.

And so, I live alone. Happy, surrounded by the most incredible people, employed and thriving at what I do, and most importantly, I didn't lose my light.

Thank you for coming back time and time again to read my posts. It really means the world to me.