A love-hate-love story

Last night I had a discussion with a friend on the meaning of effort. Whether that effort be within a friendship, relationship, and everything in between. We talked about the difference between telling and showing/doing, proving things as opposed to just talking about them.

With every instance that we discussed, we found differences in the concepts themselves, but also in the way we thought about them too. He told me about a time when he had very deep feelings for a girl who was giving him the world. She was all about the little gestures. She would show up with food at his work place whenever he had a long day, write him words of encouragement and little notes and give them to him, and, among other things, she listened to all of the things he would show an interest towards and then would find things he would like, whether it be a link or article, just to help him out or get him to check out something he might enjoy. All in all, she was doing whatever was necessary for him to see that she cares. In telling me the story, he then moved on to tell me what he would do in return to show her the same. He revealed to me that at the time, he was under the impression that he was doing right by her and was putting in the necessary effort. However, he said that he would only message her at his convenience, would sweet talk her whenever she was mad, but never really engaged in doing the same actions that she would. He said that he assumed his loyalty to her and the fact that he was with her, was essentially good enough.

He admitted that he was oblivious and did not really think anything was wrong and he just thought that maybe girls are just more into making an effort than guys. He referred to her as "the one that got away" because in the end, the girl had enough of proving her love and not getting much in return. She walked away from the relationship with him and he said, it hurt him more than it hurt her. Why? Because when she decided to walk away, she knew she had given the relationship her all and it was not because of her that it did not work out. She was dissatisfied with his lack of taking charge in making her feel wanted or special.

This example is not to mean that he did not care about the girl. In fact, it is something that stood with him this whole time and he still thinks about it to this day. He told me he did in fact love her but he was just learning at the time and he did not know any better about what it meant to not only love, but how to express that love. That's not to blame on anyone because I am sure most of us can learn a thing or two from that as well.

We discussed many things and there is a point to be made here. Whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, there is a difference between telling and doing. You can tell a person a hundred times that you don't want to hurt them (for example) but it will not do anything if all you do is kick and scream when you come home.

While words have meaning and they can bring a person up or down in an instant, words can also be cheap. Words can sometimes mean nothing if they are not accompanied by actions.

As an exercise, I was curious last night, after getting off the phone with my friend, to see what other people consider to be appropriate actions (particularly in a relationship) about how they show love to their partner. The results were interesting because I started to notice that perhaps, although telling and showing/doing are two completely different things, telling can be affirmative in the right situations. I'm still struggling with detangling that idea.

A lot of people answered that they tell their partner that they love them, which yes, it is an important part of a relationship and it affirms those words. But do you see where the issue is?

Someone said that they send each other loving/inspiring quotes daily. Another person said they make food for each other and kiss the other as a wake up call. One of my favourite answers was "understanding and adapting to your partner's love language" which I personally think is SO important. If you love someone, you need to understand how your partner accepts that love and what makes their heart beat out of their chest when you do something for them.

Friendships are a weird area because while these same differences between telling and showing still apply, the rules are a bit more lax in friendships. You can not keep in touch with a friend for months at a time, but that should not invalidate the care and love within a friendship because people get busy. I still have friends that I've had for years and years and years and I probably have not kept in touch for more than a few hours in the last few years. Nonetheless, there are actions that can be taken here too. I recently bought the book of a girl I went to high school with that I do not by any means keep in touch with anymore. I wanted to support her and upon reading the book, I messaged her to give her my thoughts on it. This stuff matters. Actions matter.