Stuck in my own head

I am sure I am not the only one who overthinks. Everyone does it. It is like second nature. There are days when I do not question a single thing, and others where I feel the need to know everything from the moment of conception and until the present moment. There are days when I cry because I am fully aware that I am overreacting but I cannot help the feeling of helplessness. It can be a scary thing to be stuck inside your own head without a way of expressing what you are feeling.

For me it is the lack of activity that gives me way too much time to think and reflect. I generally am pretty busy in my every day life and have little time to think or ponder over certain aspects of my life. I am also generally surrounded by individuals and involved in conversation which allows for reflection but not deep one. And then, there are days when I have absolutely nothing going on. No chores, no tasks to complete, and nowhere to be. And that is the easiest way to get stuck inside your own head.

It starts with a thought about the future. Something I aim to have accomplished by a certain point in time. I start to wonder whether what I am thinking about is possible or if it is just something I would ideally like to accomplish. My brain moves on. I think about twenty years from now when I am inside my own house with my own kids. Do I have kids? Is my husband faithful? My brain moves on. What are you doing next year? Have you decided where you are taking your life forward? Are you going to be travelling? Are you going to live or will you just settle for being alive?

I take a deep breath.

Why am I thinking about all of this? I am aware it is aspects of my life I have little control over currently and should be thinking about my immediate actions as opposed to years from now. I am going bonkers.

I sigh

I need to find something to do before my brain starts exploring again.

Feels

Feelings are weird am I right?

One day you feel free, at ease, with nothing to worry about.

The next day you feel like you are drowning, stressed, anxious.

A different day you might feel butterflies in your stomach all day long.

And this, could literally happen over the course of three days.

Trust me it can. I experienced it myself. The crazy thing is, what do you do when you feel so much that you cannot explain it? As if you need to let it all out but do not know how. What do you do then? You cannot just tell a friend. No. They were not there. They do not know exactly what you saw, heard, interpreted and felt in that moment you are trying so hard to piece back together for them. It just is not the same.

Do you write it all down? But even that is not all it is made up to be. Do you sing a song about it? And what if people get it wrong?

Feelings are weird. You one day feel nothing and then everything all at once. How do you explain that? Love? Anger? Pain? Loss? Happiness? Pure despair?

How can you explain it all?

And yet, as I am writing this, I keep telling myself that perhaps this form of journaling is the better of ways to express. Simultaneously, I do not feel like I am doing my thoughts justice. It is as if when you try to put it into words, there are not enough words to explain it - to hold said emotion on the highest pedestal.

Feelings are weird

I like different

A few months ago I had the pleasure of stumbling upon somebody that sparked something in me.

Let me make that completely clear. I feel like in today's age, getting to know someone is such a mediocre fill-in-the-blank type of process and I absolutely hate it. I hate predictable and I hate the usual get to know you, flirt a bit and eventually hangout, hookup, etc.

Funny enough I virtually stumbled upon this individual in Madrid. Neither of us were in Madrid at the time but the concept is kind of cool (long story).

What I liked and really drew me to the conversation is that for the first few hours of the conversation, he asked almost nothing about me. None of the usual, where are you from, what do you do for work/school and mediocre stuff that everyone and their mother asks.

We talked about travelling and travel stories, about food and drinks and dreams and aspirations and things that we love. What is weird is that I knew almost nothing about him. I did not pay any attention to his age, location, or what he did for work or school. Quite frankly, I did not even care.

It was so refreshing to have a conversation that did not bore me to death. Instead, it was "elating" (I know he will smile when he reads this).

At one point we exchanged voice notes. I typically HATE (and i mean HATE) talking on the phone unless I have to and I hate when conversing with someone takes too much effort (such as having to listen to a voice note). For some reason, I did not mind it. I think the weirder part is that I was really focusing on his voice. I remember the first few words I heard, I was almost surprised that he sounded the way he did.

Think about it... have you met someone online and wondered what their voice sounded like? I typically could care less. BUT.

I remember thinking he had a terribly pleasant voice. It was stern and deep but also gentle. I do not think I ever quite paid so much attention to such a thing but it felt so ...intimate..for lack of better words. Here I was, sharing a conversation with someone whom I know nothing about and giggling and it felt just more intimate than some in-person moments. It truly was different.

My point is this: we as humans (my generation at least) have gotten so good at becoming simplistic in the ways in which we communicate. We forget to use big words that hold meaning because we are so quick to want to get the "get-to-know-you" stage out of the way and move on to the more serious in-person stuff. We forget to really find out what lights a person's soul up because we care more about the physical. We forget to really learn about each other and communicate in ways that can really make you want to jump in a car or a plane and go see the person face-to-face. We forget to be different..

Be fucking different. You might like it.