Stagnation

I caught up a little bit with a friend the other day and it almost felt silly to ask "what have you been up to lately?". I am so used to missing out on so much since I live pretty far from many of my friends and I do not get to see them often. As we were "catching up" or lack thereof, we both came to the conclusion that life has been pretty darn stagnant lately. Not much has been going on even for the most adventurous of us.

I have been "busy" getting into and maintaining a routine. However, aside from that, there isn't much going on. I tell that to everyone who asks me what I have been up to lately.

"Been trying to get into a routine. Cooking more, exercising, morning yoga is a big one. How about you? How have you been?"

That answer in itself has become routine.

On the other hand, I have been thinking a lot about what someone said during a podcast I was listening to the other day. The lady said (something along the lines of) that she was focusing more on triggers. Triggers are usually a bad thing and we generally think of the triggers we experience when we are upset and essentially what brings us to that feeling of being upset. However, she wanted to focus more on her happy triggers. The actions or things that are bringing her happiness. I hadn't thought about it in that sense before I must admit. The word trigger itself is pretty triggering in that it almost forces a feeling of anxiety and general negativity. But what if it can be turned into experiencing something positive?

I gave that some thought and really reflected on what brings me genuine happiness. What triggers the serotonin to be pumped into the body?

Since then, I have been trying to be more mindful of these so-called happy triggers. I noticed that I enjoy being out in the sun especially when it is generally cold and gloomy. I enjoy the feeling after working out because I feel accomplished that I did something that was on my to-do list (even if during the workout I complain and huff and puff). I enjoy hearing my love's voice when he sends me little voice notes randomly or calls me.

Life is pretty stagnant right now in the sense that there is little freedom of movement (for the safety of us all, of course) and since everything is pretty closed, there are little places to go to and enjoy even locally. But in the midst of it all, there is still good. There is still happy. Maybe we have to look a little extra hard for it but it still is there.

Feelings of stagnation can be rather consuming but there are ways to at least try to think differently. It's not easy but you can change the way you interpret these feelings. Acknowledging them is a positive step because you can then take action towards remedying the situation.

Be present. Acknowledge what is not working in your life. Build a plan towards changing that. Change it.

Happy powder

All it takes is one small inconvenience to throw us off-track. I had a tough week I won't even lie. I would consider myself to generally be someone who is positive, rational and it usually takes quite a bit before I declare myself to be annoyed or sad/upset and the whole rest of it. This week however, has tested my patience in all sorts of ways. From the emotional to the mental, from work to personal relationships. I feel drained.

I hate saying that because it's only been about a month since I have gotten back into a routine and going to work regularly. I guess in some ways it is just a temporary feeling that might pass by the time next week begins. Right now though, I could really use some time off. Good thing it's Friday I guess.

I have struggled all week to find something I want to write about because all of that frustration has been fogging my thinking. I guess it is okay to have off-weeks, I mean, they can't all just be good. Shit happens right?

I've had very strange interactions all week and various things have got me thinking. Today for some reason, on my drive to work, I was thinking about whether my future children should be taught Romanian or not. Don't ask why that is even on my brain, just a thought.

In some ways, the more I think about it, I think that the absence of being able to hangout with friends and exchange ideas with people in real time, in person, is sort of what is getting to me. I have always been a people person and love the in-person interaction. The inability to do that is starting to get to me. I used to always be out, meeting people and going places. Overhearing conversations, making friends and asking questions.

I think about the weekend getaways and going places on foot. I guess that all of these experiences are in some way an amalgamation of the happy powder that I desire to have.

I don't like to think of the glass half empty part but in some ways, there is a void I aim to fill and I just can't and I guess that some of that frustration is starting to get to me.

I guess I might be rambling... You know what I mean though..

Slow process to success

I hate waiting. It drives me insane. I hate waiting in lines, I hate waiting in traffic, and I hate waiting for online orders to ship. I hate waiting for a text back, I hate waiting for an application to process, and most importantly, I hate the process of waiting for my future to be put into place.

I am the type of person that when I get an idea, especially if it is a big one, I want it to happen as soon as possible. I will put the work towards it, but I want it to be done like five minutes ago. I am a difficult individual in that I have a bunch of ideas and a lot of plans of action prepared in my head in order to make things happen as soon as possible. What I cannot beat however, is the fact that sometimes things do take time and there are no shortcuts to it. I have been finding it super hard to accept this fact. I have thought about occupying this waiting time with new ideas and new projects, but every night I cross off a day in the calendar. A day closer to achieving that end goal I have in mind. I find this end goal constantly eating away at me and I always want to work towards it despite not always having the ability to do so.

It is hard waiting, having patience and letting time pass by knowing that everyday you get a day older. It feels like a waste of time despite it being part of the process and the way that life works. While it is hard to say out loud and admit this fact to yourself, you really cannot beat time.

And yet, you really wish you could sometimes.