Scattered thoughts

The days are slowly getting longer and when I get out of work at 5pm, I drive towards the sun as it is setting. Most days it annoys me because I can't see anything on the road when it is beating into my eyes. Yesterday, I appreciated it instead. My music was loud, my window was down (while I was blaring heat in the car of course). The sky was free of clouds and it felt good. It's pretty easy to make me happy since I find joy in the tiniest things.

As I was driving, I came to notice the little things around me. An elderly couple walking hand-in-hand, a nice design on a house. The sun was beating down on me and I felt warm. It was a good feeling.

I began thinking about how much I long for an ease in restrictions. To see my friends, to be able to see my love again. I longed for a hug. It feels like it's been forever since I hugged someone. I know it sounds almost silly, but I don't see anyone anymore. I wanted to romanticize the idea of a life that feels like it was lived literally a lifetime ago.

I drive by the lake most mornings and I feel oddly melancholic. I guess I associate bodies of water with warmer weather. It's almost March and the anticipated beginning of spring season. Trees will dress up in their leafy green attires yet again. Flowers will bloom and fill the world with colour. The past few months have very much felt like I have been merely going through the motions, eyes forward. I guess it tends to happen when the days are so short and night seems to take over with no ability of having a night life.

I am a positive person and I feel like I say this a lot, but the last little while has proven rather difficult in terms of maintaining that positive attitude always. I guess I miss life.

Every weekend, I try to do something that will restore my energy to get through yet another week. I have been saying for a few days that perhaps this weekend, I want to go near a body of water. Be by the lake or something.

Here's to better days

Meaningful contributions

I am at a weird point in my life where I am constantly asking myself:

"What's next?"

Be it in my professional work assignments, my personal life, my well-being, I constantly feel as if something is missing or is in the process of evolving into something else. I don't necessarily like to think that way because I generally am a "glass half-full" person, but simultaneously, I feel certain voids. I'm not sure what I am supposed to be doing to fix that or if there even is a solution to it. I've made some rash decisions lately that I am not entirely happy about and I have also made some necessary decisions that I have been avoiding.

It's weird how we are often very aware of the things we are avoiding or putting off doing although they are things that could benefit us or at the very least, change our lives for the better (for the most part). I am fully aware that there are certain parts of my life that are not fulfilling but I don't know if I am ready for the change that is necessary in order for those things to change. Change is good.. necessary... but change is also scary and nerve-wracking. I am not sure what I am so scared of, adulting is supposed to be scary. Who even has their shit together? I sure as hell don't and more so, I am far from it.

Speaking of having shit together... when are we supposed to fully grow up and have the career, house, etc etc etc? I feel like I am walking this weird path where on one side I have the example that my parents set by getting married young, working together towards several businesses and a common goal of creating a home for their future family, and ultimately devoting their life to each other, their children and familial relations while working hard to create the comfort of owning their own stuff. On the other hand, I know that this was the way of the past. Go to school, get a job, get married, have kids, live happily ever after. Lots has changed since then and the world has proved to be full of opportunities that can be chased. People are no longer tied to the traditional 9-5 and can work remotely if they so should choose to lead their life. People can travel and go wherever their heart desires. Yes, I get that there are generational differences.

However, in some ways, the generational differences are still intertwined in the ways of the past. Most people still have a 9-5 and still follow the pattern created by the generations before them. Some still get married young and follow the path that my parents followed. I am not saying that there is a right or wrong way to do it, and in no way am I saying that my parents did it wrong. In fact, they are very happy.

What I am trying to say is that I am conflicted. I don't know where I stand or where I want to stand. In some ways, I want to be that person that just has their life in order and works towards a home and a settled sort of life. But is that settling if you choose to do that? In other ways, I want to say fuck it to it all and take off and travel, live my life. Work shitty jobs only enough to fund my way through my travels. Be a digital nomad until I ultimately have no choice but to settle. I hate the word "settle" cause it almost feels like it has a negative connotation associated with it even if I don't necessarily mean it in a bad way.

I am not entirely sure if I know what I am chasing. Some sort of fulfillment? Meaningful contribution? To what? To who?

TBD.

I love love

I love this day so much because although you see acts of love every single day, today is the day that it all happens on steroids. You go to a grocery store and see men young and old, picking out flowers for their daughters, mothers, lovers. It's always so beautiful to see. It is a day like any other but today of all days, everyone makes sure to appreciate the ones they love a little more, a little stronger. They voice their affection and their love. They shower you with kind words, gifts, sweets and kisses. They hold your hand a little stronger, hug you a little tighter. Love is beautiful and I hope that you are loved today.

And if you are reading this, make sure to tell the ones you love that you love them dearly. Write them a text, a note, a letter or a card. Send them a gift, a voicenote or call them. Do not let this day pass without making sure you are giving all the love that you can give.