Imposter syndrome

As many of my loyal readers know by now, I am writing a book and it will be published on June 9th. This means that I have a month to get my shit together, get over my imposter syndrome issues, and put my work out there for people to see...in book form.

For a while now, I have been struggling with the line "writers write books, not me". Now, that is obviously problematic for many reasons but I can't seem to get out of my own head about it. I mean... who is really stopping anyone from writing a book?

I guess that's where I am stuck. I know anyone realistically could write a book if they wanted to. Yes, it's hard work, but everyone could. So what makes me special? Do I really have something that no one has? Do I have something to say? And then again... if you think about it... everyone has something to say. Everyone is capable to write their own book simply using their own experiences because we are all so inherently different and go through something SO different on a day-to-day basis.

Last week, I had a thought that maybe it would be better if I pushed the release date because I did not feel like I was ready to do this. Although my content is pretty much covered and the book is in its editing stages, I wanted to back out. It wasn't because I thought my content wasn't good. I guess I thought I, myself, I just wasn't good enough to be doing it.

I'm over it now but it took a lot of pep talks from a lot of my close friends and it took knowing that people are counting on me to do this. I have a group of people editing my book and they're doing it for free because they want me to succeed and that's enough for me to push myself to do it in the end.

Ugh.. if any of you amazing people are reading this right now, just know I really fricken appreciate you and you are the reason I am getting over my own fears and feelings of inferiority.

It's raining

As the droplets of water are hitting these giant floor-to-ceiling windows, I see the flaws of yesterday being washed away with it. A clean slate as they say.

I've been having a couple of tough weeks. I feel mentally drained by the work I devote myself to, the projects I have taken on without any clear indication as to how they will affect me and drain me of my energy.

A little while ago, I read something that essentially said to visualize showers as being able to wash away every worry, struggle and frustration that you had encountered through your day. This week was a busy one. Not bad, but busy. At the end of every day, I stepped in the shower and I let the water just wash over me. A few minutes in, I would begin lathering. I tried to visualize washing the day away by taking deep breaths and feeling as if with every drop of water, the layer of frustration is being washed away.

I would walk out of the shower feeling refreshed. I would feel as if a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It might have been a placebo effect but in those moments, it felt good regardless so I didn't question the root of the feeling.

This lockdown has been coming down hard on me lately and I am trying to cope. I guess we're all looking for our own ways to feel better.

Snap the fuck out of it

Lately, it seems like every single day gets shorter and shorter. I have so many things I want to get done and not nearly enough hours to tend to any of those things. I feel uninspired, unimpressed and generally blah.

This is not like a "oh no my life sucks" type of complaint. I guess I just wish I had the motivation to do more. I most definitely procrastinate and waste a lot of time either moping around or complaining that I don't want to do the things that I know I have to do but, I also wonder if I'm not alone in that.

Everyone must do it right?

There are days where I feel like opportunities for growth are endless, and days where I'd rather curl up in a ball under my blanket and just hibernate. There are days where I feel sad and there are days when I feel happy. There are days that couldn't end sooner and days where I debate drinking myself into liver failure. (probably not funny)

Right now, I feel frustrated and I keep having ideas of things I could do to snap out of it but I also have little drive to get myself to that place that I want to be at.

Okay now, seriously, I think what I am missing is a vacation. In a few weeks I have a week off where I will literally just lounge by the lake and be away from any and all responsibilities. I hope that will be the case anyway.

Simultaneously, I probably need to snap out of it as well. It's probably not good for me to just mope around. I can definitely see myself drinking a glass of wine tonight.

I am not entirely sure what this blog post is supposed to be about necessarily but I guess it's nice to just see the words and emotions I am portraying right now.

If you have made it this far into reading this, send me a message telling me about your current frustrations. Maybe you'll make me feel better about mine.

Talk to y'all soon xo