Right now.

A fleeting moment with a handsome stranger, dancing my night away. A swim that lasted approximately 32 minutes, a couple dozen laps. A yummy dinner made at home, fresh flowers to keep me company. An unpaid therapy session, a 5k walk with a friend. A pilates class, a Sunday church service. A spontaneous trip booked outside of the country, a fancy hotel.

In some ways, I feel rejuvenated. In other ways, I am scared of everything that is to come. Having been in a long-distance relationship up until a few months ago and almost immediately after jumping into something that was also sort of long-distance, I lost parts of myself that were supposed to be here in Toronto. I focused so much of my time on these partners and keeping up with them and wanting to constantly be with them wherever they are and to give them my undivided time and attention, that I stopped thinking about and being present within the things I was doing here, in Toronto. I would go to the gym technically for myself, but I always looked forward to give the update to my partner. I would go out to plans only to be excited to go back home and hop on a call with my partner and tell them all about it. That part was always much more exciting. I hate that I did that because now, I have been left to pick up all of the broken pieces by myself. I know it's no one else's fault but mine but fuck, this has been hard.

How do I fall back in love with a place that I have simply ignored for nearly two years? How do I fall back in love when I've been absent minded and have just been going through the motions with no real direction to myself?

Well, I guess I start at square one. This isn't meant to be some self-pity shit because I'm over crying myself a river. I'm good and I can carry myself out of any rut. I figure shit out, I'm resilient, I have a good support system and good people in my life. In the end, I work it out and that's just it.

For the last couple of weeks, I have been working on figuring out who I am, what I want, where I am headed next, who do I ultimately want to be as a partner and what I desire in a partner, what my goals are, what my non-negotiables are, and what the fuck am I doing in Toronto. Well, I think I am at least a little closer to answering some of these. I started swimming again which as some of you might know, swimming was once upon a time a big part of my life so it's nice to be back in the water. I have been making some new friends and also strengthening other friendships which proved to be fruitful because I have been coming to terms that perhaps just like clothes, we outgrow people too and sometimes long friendships are not necessarily reflective of the quality of the friendship and I'm okay with that. I have taken certain steps towards bettering my mental health because as lots of other people, I have been dodging my feelings by distracting myself and not really dealing with the darker parts of things. I started taking ownership of my actions and letting myself truly dive into trauma, healing, feeling feelings and all that. Some of this stuff is absolutely dreadful and I hate just how many emotions I really am forced to feel but hey, it's for a good outcome.

Today, I truly said fuck it all and booked a little weekend getaway for myself outside of the country. I feel like I often seek validation in other people and their company and sometimes, that drags me down more than it lifts me up and I think I'm coming to terms with doing things for me more often. At the end of the day, it's my life so I should be at least a little bit selfish with my time and energy. I didn't consult anyone in my decision and instead, spontaneously booked a hotel for myself in the heart of a city that I've been wanting to visit for a while. A solo decision for a solo trip and I couldn't be more excited.

This whole self-discovery thing is messy and just like healing, it's not linear at all. Some days I feel like I really know the direction in which I am heading, and other days I am still on the verge of hitting send on a text that probably should not go out. I guess it's all part of a process that I am trusting will get easier one day. I've been reading again and that gives me some sort of hope that I am returning to the person I like to think I am. I am going home to my parents' place in just under a month and I have been dreading that. Not the seeing my family part cause I obviously love them and want to see them, but because the last two times I was there, I was so broken that my mind now associates pain and heartbreak to be representative of my parents' place. I hate that because it's one of my favourite places to be and now I have to face my sad memories every time I go there.

I've been thinking a lot about the people who bought my book, the ones of you who still read my blog. It's interesting to me that there are people out there who find some sort of comfort in my writing since most times I feel so lost that I just write whatever's on my brain at the moment and I rarely think about how these words might affect someone reading.

I've got good things to look forward to in the months to come. I guess that for now, I should still focus on the growth, the moulding or re-moulding of my character, the finding of thy self.

These are frantic thoughts, but thank you always for joining me in my cez talks xo

Attract the energy you exude

I had a really nice call with a friend last night. In April 2020, a buddy of mine and I decided to make use of our quarantine time and committed to a monthly phone call every month thereafter where we just catch up. Life is busy and we all have commitments and responsibilities and sometimes we lose track of time and it has been so nice to have this long standing monthly commitment where we just put everything else aside and enjoy each other's voices and engage in conversations about everything and anything. We sometimes stay on the phone for hours on end without a single awkward silence because we just have so much to share and sometimes overshare and it's totally okay because we have become so acquainted with this sort of method of conversing.

This friend of mine has been in my life for years now and I remember the first time I met him, he was like a celebrity at my university. You couldn't walk down the hallway with him without him being stopped by dozens of people who wanted to say hi and see how he was doing. I always thought it must've been exhausting to be him. I am not even exaggerating when I say all of this either. He's always been involved in so much and pursuing so many things with so much devotion, I truly don't know how he does it all. This little back story is only relevant in showing you just how busy this guy is and somehow, I am privileged enough to steal a couple of hours of his day, every month, just to talk.

In our phone call last night, I told him that the last month was both beautiful and tragic. I felt both love and pure agony. I felt both happiness and regret. In telling him what I've been through and how I feel, he stopped me and told me how he felt about it all. Now, these weren't his exact words but he said something along the lines of:

"Cez, with all due respect, and I don't mean this in a cocky way by any means, I am someone who is busy, I am someone whose time is so valuable that people pay for it. There are people in my life that wish they could have a conversation with me that goes beyond the superficial. I don't want you to feel privileged for getting this time with me, instead, I want you to understand how valuable my time is with you, that I choose to make you a priority and share into a conversation where I am able to open up and be vulnerable and show you much more of me than I would show a large majority of people. I am the one that feels privileged to be talking to you right now."

I don't know why but that hit me hard. I realized through that, that I am someone that is worthy, whose presence is valued, that I have been so down on myself and blaming myself for stuff that perhaps was outside of my control at the time because me, the Cez at her very core, cares and asks questions, gets in depth and listens, wants to know every inch of someone's being. I have been wallowing in self-pity so badly the last couple of weeks when instead, I should have put my time and effort into shifting the narrative and working on getting that part of Cez that I love so much back to the forefront of my being. I am so worthy of the good in my life and I need to embody that in its entirety.

My friend really set me straight and explained to me that not everyone will see and understand my light. Not everyone will be able to appreciate the person that I am and that's totally okay because the energy I exude will attract only the things and people that are worthy of it. Sometimes life throws lessons our way in order to force us to really look within and see what we might be lacking and sometimes, those people that we really want to hang on to are only meant to be there to show us what we should look for once we are ready to have that sort of commitment and once we are sure enough of ourselves to be allowing someone else to take space in our minds and hearts.

He also told me that sometimes, I hang on to the good in a person because of an idea I create in my head about who that person is and sometimes, that idea, isn't actually the truth. What made that person important to me? What characteristics did that person possess that made me feel some type of way about them? Why do I like them? Why is that person great? He said that when I'll be able to pinpoint a specific answer to each of those questions, I should have a more genuine answer. Otherwise, my likeness of them could very well be a simple superficial infatuation of an idea I created in my head and not the truth.

In saying all that, he admitted that he does the same thing and sometimes puts people up on a pedestal of greatness when these people may very well be very mediocre and not at all worthy of all that praise. It felt good to know that I'm not the only one doing that and perhaps it's quite normal to wear these rose-coloured glasses around people you want to make important in your life even if they're not really deserving of that importance placed on them.

I went to bed feeling validated and worthy. It was nice to feel prioritized and important in someone's life. It was nice to feel like perhaps this is just a low and there are so many highs to be had. It was nice to flip the narrative and focus on myself.

The glass half-full end of it

I love that by not being able to change anything about the past, I am forced to be accountable for my actions and be more in charge of the person I am in the present.

I love that with every day, I am becoming more of the person that I want to be simply because for once, I am being accountable of who that person is and what she wants going forward.

I love that although the past hurts, I am the only one able to learn from it and apply those lessons in my future.

I love knowing that I will be happy again and it gives me comfort to know that the point of character is the process of building it.

I love the memories that were created in the process of it all. I love that I felt what I felt in the moment and that can stay with me forever.

I love that now, two weeks after the fact, I am more in tune with who I am and I am working through every single emotion in order to become more emotionally mature and stable.

I love that I still believe in love and fate. Even though I've been dragged through the dirt and had my heart ripped out of my chest, I still am so elated by the concept of a forever love.

I love that in the process of learning who I am and what I want, I am able to finally set some boundaries for myself and not let myself go with every romantic interaction I have. Who I am is important and it should be seen as such by a partner as well.

I love that when eventually I will go back out there, I will do so with the best intentions and seek out a partner that will match what I am looking for. I will no longer seek distractions or temporary romances because I will know who I am at my core and what it is that I desire.

I love knowing that when I'll be ready, everything will just fall into place. I am not afraid of letting myself take time to myself and completely exclude myself from anything that isn't serving me at the moment.

I love knowing that the person I am working on becoming, will attract the most genuine love and light and will not allow for half-assed interactions. I am excited to be that woman.

I love that within this process, I will be so in tune with myself that I will be okay with my own company and I won't need anyone to validate me.

I love that I am doing this for myself. I am taking the time to sit down with my emotions, understand them and process them all in order to become who I am deserving of being. I want to be the partner that I also desire to have and I am okay with knowing that perhaps I'm not there yet, and it will all come naturally with time and work.

I love that even though I am hurt and my ego is on the floor, I have the ability to miss people and moments which in turn reminds me that I am human and have valid emotions and desires.

I love that I am self-aware in that I know there's a gap I am trying to fill and I am putting the work towards that.

I love that this experience, as beautiful and tragic as it has been, it taught me things about myself, about love, about who I want to be, and I am now on a journey of self-discovery that will fill that gap within me.

I love that even though this didn't work out, it gave me a framework for what I deserve from a partner going forward. I've seen how good things can be, and now I just have to work on myself in order to attract that sort of energy going forward.

I love that I am not giving up on myself, love and everything in between.

I love that I am resilient and accepting of life's changes.

I love that I am able to pick myself up with every kick to the dirt.

I love that I am trying to be a better me.