In my "I don't care" era

I'm sorry, I know I have been inconsistent. I am bad at consistency in general and I really don't get why that is. I yearn for routine and stability and yet, I cannot stay on track for the life of me. Frankly, it's been hard to care lately.

I'm not going through anything that would give even remotely of an explanation for why I feel this way. I don't even know if I care enough to find an answer. I feel a bit blah, complacent of sorts with concerning myself with anything that isn't in my direct line of sight in terms of goals. I have a sort of path I am actively working towards paving and that's really all I care to care about. Everything else seems like the roses that I don't care to water, let alone smell. I guess some may call this a focus, a goal-digging thing, I just call it "I don't care".

I had a conversation earlier today with someone that I could tell was trying to get on my nerves. For a minute, it actually kind of worked too. I definitely felt my blood boiling a little bit. I'm not sure what it was though, but at some point I removed myself from the conversation. It was serving me nothing at all. I didn't care enough to let myself be annoyed by something that in the grand scheme of things just didn't matter. You might think that me writing about it means that I must have actually cared. Maybe a part of me did, but the overarching feeling was that I didn't... and I guess that is what I'm writing about. I am a little surprised at how easily I was able to tell myself that the scenario just didn't matter so I really have the power to just walk away and not give it another thought.

Had this happened maybe a month or two ago, maybe my blood would still be boiling and I'd actively look to say a snarky thing back to this person. I don't feel that at all right now though.

To be completely honest, I am not entirely sure why it is that I don't care. I'm not sure if it's the fact that my goals are bigger than these little things that I generally shouldn't care about anyway, or, if I am overall saturated and it's easier not to care than to continue to hurt myself in the process by caring. At the end of the day, people will be who they are, do what they want, and quite frankly, there is nothing that I can do or say that will make someone be who I want them to be. That's just not candid. Similarly, situations, events, and actions taken are also not up to me to control. It just is what it is and I have no say in controlling it. So why bother?

I know you're probably thinking that it's hilarious that this is coming from me, the girl who wears her heart on her sleeve and cares about everything. But, I guess, to some extent, it gets tiring to care, to put effort in and not receive it back. Everyone will do whatever they wanna do and will make it apparent if you matter to them, so it's just easier to let it all fall into place and be what it's meant to be.

I'll be back soon, but as always, thanks for reading my words and coming to my Cez talk xo.

My first ever roommate

I've been thinking a lot about the first couple of years I lived in Toronto. I find it quite endearing when a simple moment has the power to bring you right back to a memory lost deep within the depths of your brain. The story I intend to relay is a product of a lot of growth that has been acquired over the course of nearly two years. I hope that in all of my faults, whether new or old, I can, at some point in time, have a moment of clarity that pushes me to take accountability for all that I did.

I was driving into work the other day and one of the first songs that came on shuffle was Saturdays by Twin Shadows ft Haim. My brain was instantly filled with the memories of the dance parties that Rach and I would have in the living room. Whether it was a bad day where we just needed a pick-me-up, a night of heavy drinking in the living room during the pandemic and this was the song we ended the night with, or the song we needed to hear to end any regular night, that song became the anthem to the living room dance parties. The moment the song came on, we absolutely had to get to the living room and dance aimlessly for the length of the song. Looking back at it now, I always felt better after an aimless dance party in the living room with that song and Rach.

I lived with Rach for two years. What started as something that was meant to be a temporary fix to her living situation, ended up flourishing into the nicest cohabitating friendship I ever could have. I knew very little about her prior to moving in. In fact, I remember that the first time me and her hung out (unofficially), was for an open house event for the Master's program we were about to begin. We met somewhere in the food court of Union Station and while we had a quick snack to start the morning, she told me about her situationship at the time. We got along right away which was not a shocker since we were two girls talking shit about men.

By the time she moved in with me in January 2020 (I know, wild ass year) to avoid a hellish living situation, we had already partied way too hard one night, to the point that she took one for the team to get the girls drinks. Girls wanted Ciroc? Rachel got Ciroc. And then? She lived to tell the tale in Fran's. Soon after she settled into my nightmare of a second bedroom, we celebrated Rach's birthday, which, was one to remember ... for everyone other than Rach.

I remember those first few months before the pandemic actually hit, the tension was so high. I had never lived with anyone other than my family before, and had lived in my apartment for six months before Rach came around. I had a routine already set, a way of doing things. When Rach started doing everything literally backwards from the way I was doing it, I think I lost it in my own head about once a day. Don't get me wrong, she wasn't actually doing anything wrong but she wasn't doing it my way and that bothered the heck out of me. I don't think I'll ever be able to thank her enough for just putting up with that aspect of my personality. I know I'm not easy to deal with, whether as a roommate, or just more generally a human, but she somehow was able to either sweep it under the rug, slam a door in my face, or she may have talked shit about me when I wasn't around, but she never made me feel like she hated me and I guess I appreciate that. Now, let's take away the taboo out of talking shit about your friends cause the reality is that we all do when we're annoyed at stuff they do. She probably did and I definitely know I did too. I don't really think it's a big deal so long as that's not the sole thing you do when you open your mouth about that friend. We annoyed each other that's for sure, but all the same, Rach became family. And where I'm from, we protect family.

Once the pandemic hit, I scurried back home to Windsor for a while cause I was sick. One week turned into six and just after my dad's birthday in May, Rach threatened to move out if I didn't come back to Toronto. I don't think I ever realized just how lonely she must've felt. Six weeks at the brunt of the pandemic with no one else to socialize with. I was gone to Windsor where I could at least hangout with my family and Rach was well, alone.

I came back with a plan in mind. Rach and I were going to get our lives together and be active, hot, healthy, and become social media influencers. Within two days of my return, on our first active pursuit, Rach wiped out rollerblading and we had to go to the ER. Surprise!!!! Needless to say, the active stuff were put on hold for some time and we focused on other things. We were doing the absolute most. From going to empty mall parking lot garages to take pics, to changing clothes in the car so we can have multiple photoshoots in one day, I mean it when I say that we really did the absolute most.

The thing about Rach is that she was always there. She was there when I purchased my first car, she was there for my birthdays, she was there when I hopped on a plane for a random man. She was there when I cried, she was there when I wanted to quit my job, she travelled through a nightmare of a train ride to be with my family for new years. She was there for the sister trips, she became sister Rach. She was there for the benders, the car rides, the errands I just dragged her along for. She was there to get my boss drunk at our work holiday party so that he would give me the next day off.

But at the same time, she was also there when I let a man come between our friendship by letting him occupy space in our apartment for two months. She was there when I would get mad and slam doors. She was there when I treated her like crap because she was trying to suggest helpful things. Even crazier is that to some extent, she was also there even after she moved out and it took me close to a year to apologize and make amends for the time lost, the things said and the actions taken.

When I think back at the two years though, I don't have a single bad bone in my body about everything that was. I think about the dance parties, the random restaurant that was open on thanksgiving in 2020 and that took us in despite the pandemic. I think about the time we ate on the patio of a restaurant despite it being freezing cold, simply because we needed to feel some normalcy. I think about the Bachelor nights when we would drink a little too much. I think about the time I got too high and thought I would die and Rach sat in my room until I fell asleep to make sure I was okay.

As you can imagine, the shitty things I did along the way also put a weird divide between us. And while I can't really change what happened, I am happy to say that I feel that these days, I have Rach back. I do believe that people are put into our lives for a reason and I know that for me, one of those people is Rach. In about a month's time, we will hop on a plane to go on a mini trip to Seattle. In about five more months, we will hop on planes again to celebrate my birthday in Nashville. I don't really know what more to say about that other than my heart is so happy to feel like Rach will be around for the foreseeable future and that brings me so much joy.

I read somewhere that the friends you make in the later years of your life once you are already a fully functioning adult, are the people that you actually choose to be friends with. The people that have been your friends since grade school or high school, are friends you made over silly things and that remain in your life maybe for good reasons, but also maybe just because they have been there for a decade or longer and it would just feel weird without them. The length of a friendship doesn't necessarily mean that the friendship is bringing any value to your life, those people just know how you function so your weird outbursts may mean nothing to them and it's just stuff they sweep under the rug because they have been for a decade, it just became habit. However, the people you meet later on, when you have built a personality of your own and viewpoints that may upset some, these people really have to make a conscious choice of staying in your life given that you are much more difficult these days than when you were 18.

If you take anything away from this, it's that I hope you can pick out who the Rach in your life is and treasure that human. You might not see it now, but if you have a Rach that stays and tries to understand you through all the shit you throw her way, that Rach is special. It's so much harder to make friends after the age of 25 because you usually will have figured out by then what your deal breakers are in friends, what annoys you, what doesn't and if you are able to give home to a friendship under those circumstances, well, make sure it's a good home. Learn things from your friends, teach them where they need guidance. Laugh together, share memories and most definitely, dance aimlessly to songs at the end of a night in the living room.

Love ya Rach.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo

Mindful with intention - a mantra for the year ahead

For the last 48 hours or so, I have been really trying to understand this subconscious belief that it takes a new year to take active steps towards goals. If you start your fitness journey in November, it is considered "starting ahead of the new year". What real meaning does a new year have on someone's ability to embrace their goals? The real answer? Little to none. I guess we have just conditioned ourselves throughout our lives to put a start date and an end date to goals and actions or inactions. It really is quite silly when you think about it. We generally tend to slack more towards the end of the year because we have this innate belief that we will be better in the new year.

But who am I to talk? I feed right into the trend. I stopped working out regularly around October and just weaselled my way back into the gym yesterday for a yoga class. Slow starts I guess. For once though, my new years resolutions do not revolve around fitness necessarily. I am not where I want to be at. In fact, I feel like a chunky monkey most days. However, my main resolution can be applied to pretty much all areas of life.

I want to be more mindful and do more of life intentionally.

I find that a lot of my daily actions lack intention behind them. What I mean by that is, for example, let's take the time spent on my phone. I will fall into ruts randomly as soon as the morning alarm. It rings, I turn it off and I immediately grab my phone to see what I missed. I will scroll for 20 minutes and then sluggishly get out of bed. I will then rush to get ready so that I have a few minutes to drink my coffee and maybe, if time permits, grab a piece of toast. I would have a lot more time if only I hadn't spent that 20 minutes scrolling though, wouldn't I? I also am an "in the moment" poster. As soon as I snap a picture of something that I would put on my story, it immediately goes on there. Sometimes I end up deleting it at a later time simply cause I didn't quite have a reason to post it in the first place.

While that is only one of many examples, the point is, I want to be more mindful and intentional about my actions. Why do I do the things I do? How do they serve me? Can I do something in a different way to actually ensure it is done in the best way?

Another thing I want to work on is to be more slow. I live in a city that is constantly moving, living, changing and sometimes that overwhelms me. I'll often find myself dancing to its rhythm and I end up burning myself out. I want to take the time to drive home from work without trying to speed or cut someone off for being slower than me. I want to embrace the cold weather and even take a few minutes to be outside every day just to get some proper fresh air. I want to smoke a cigarette on my balcony even though I don't really actually smoke often, but the act in and of itself seems poetic to me.

I want to pay attention to every hour on the clock and how it is spent. You might think that sounds crazy but I often will complain that there are not enough hours in a day. In fact, there are a lot of hours to spend on doing things when I am not spending them on my phone or ... mostly on my phone. I tried to be more mindful this weekend with my time. I spent most of the weekend at home. I found that it is quite easy to really seize the day and get stuff done when I am not hungover, lazy, or will refuse to put down my phone.

Here I am and it's 7:04pm currently as I am writing this. I have literally accomplished everything I wanted to do this weekend and more. I even went outside of my to-do list with tasks that I didn't even know I had in me to complete. It is a nice feeling, truly.

I wonder if it is the quiet nature of January that really pushes people to get their shit together. I rarely have thought of January to be an exciting month for doing things. At least in February you have Valentine's day and St. Patties in March. By that point, the sun is out longer and you really start to spread your wings again outside. But January? January is quiet. It really is the perfect time to start on some goals I guess. While I know that there is no right answer, it's kind of fun to think of the answer to such abstract questions.

I hate to be cliché and to continue saying things like "I have a lot of ideas and goals for the year ahead" - even if I do. In some ways, I feel like I want this year to be sort of like January - quiet. I want to be quiet and work in the background. To overhear stories and conversations and to just take it all in without reacting or responding. For once, I actually want to work on me in a more serious way. I know I always say that, but this is also the first time in my life that I feel like I am becoming complacent and I don't feel great about that. I don't want to do that. I think that often times, when I am loud about my actions, it simultaneously is a time when I am really falling behind. Like I am speaking up in order to not feel as bad that I am not doing as much as I set out to do.

I think a quiet lifestyle will do me some good and I am excited for that. With a warm heart and a desire to do some cool shit with my writing this year, I am happy to be back and to welcome you all to another year of sharing words.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo