A love-hate-love story

Last night I had a discussion with a friend on the meaning of effort. Whether that effort be within a friendship, relationship, and everything in between. We talked about the difference between telling and showing/doing, proving things as opposed to just talking about them.

With every instance that we discussed, we found differences in the concepts themselves, but also in the way we thought about them too. He told me about a time when he had very deep feelings for a girl who was giving him the world. She was all about the little gestures. She would show up with food at his work place whenever he had a long day, write him words of encouragement and little notes and give them to him, and, among other things, she listened to all of the things he would show an interest towards and then would find things he would like, whether it be a link or article, just to help him out or get him to check out something he might enjoy. All in all, she was doing whatever was necessary for him to see that she cares. In telling me the story, he then moved on to tell me what he would do in return to show her the same. He revealed to me that at the time, he was under the impression that he was doing right by her and was putting in the necessary effort. However, he said that he would only message her at his convenience, would sweet talk her whenever she was mad, but never really engaged in doing the same actions that she would. He said that he assumed his loyalty to her and the fact that he was with her, was essentially good enough.

He admitted that he was oblivious and did not really think anything was wrong and he just thought that maybe girls are just more into making an effort than guys. He referred to her as "the one that got away" because in the end, the girl had enough of proving her love and not getting much in return. She walked away from the relationship with him and he said, it hurt him more than it hurt her. Why? Because when she decided to walk away, she knew she had given the relationship her all and it was not because of her that it did not work out. She was dissatisfied with his lack of taking charge in making her feel wanted or special.

This example is not to mean that he did not care about the girl. In fact, it is something that stood with him this whole time and he still thinks about it to this day. He told me he did in fact love her but he was just learning at the time and he did not know any better about what it meant to not only love, but how to express that love. That's not to blame on anyone because I am sure most of us can learn a thing or two from that as well.

We discussed many things and there is a point to be made here. Whether it be a friendship or romantic relationship, there is a difference between telling and doing. You can tell a person a hundred times that you don't want to hurt them (for example) but it will not do anything if all you do is kick and scream when you come home.

While words have meaning and they can bring a person up or down in an instant, words can also be cheap. Words can sometimes mean nothing if they are not accompanied by actions.

As an exercise, I was curious last night, after getting off the phone with my friend, to see what other people consider to be appropriate actions (particularly in a relationship) about how they show love to their partner. The results were interesting because I started to notice that perhaps, although telling and showing/doing are two completely different things, telling can be affirmative in the right situations. I'm still struggling with detangling that idea.

A lot of people answered that they tell their partner that they love them, which yes, it is an important part of a relationship and it affirms those words. But do you see where the issue is?

Someone said that they send each other loving/inspiring quotes daily. Another person said they make food for each other and kiss the other as a wake up call. One of my favourite answers was "understanding and adapting to your partner's love language" which I personally think is SO important. If you love someone, you need to understand how your partner accepts that love and what makes their heart beat out of their chest when you do something for them.

Friendships are a weird area because while these same differences between telling and showing still apply, the rules are a bit more lax in friendships. You can not keep in touch with a friend for months at a time, but that should not invalidate the care and love within a friendship because people get busy. I still have friends that I've had for years and years and years and I probably have not kept in touch for more than a few hours in the last few years. Nonetheless, there are actions that can be taken here too. I recently bought the book of a girl I went to high school with that I do not by any means keep in touch with anymore. I wanted to support her and upon reading the book, I messaged her to give her my thoughts on it. This stuff matters. Actions matter.

A missed opportunity to shine

I spent yesterday moping around. Moping around about my life, my job, my aspirations for the future. I spent yesterday feeling sorry for myself because I am not YET where I want to be. I did not think about the fact that I am well ON MY WAY to my goals. No, that did not matter. All that mattered was that I was not there yet.

It is now 2pm the next day, and I am realizing that I missed an opportunity yesterday. I missed the opportunity to change something in my life that I was not satisfied with. I missed the opportunity to look at the glass half full side of my life. Instead, I complained about everything that was wrong

It did not help me, it did not make me feel better. From the moment I woke up yesterday, to when I went to sleep, I missed the chance to shine. I saw the rain for the gloomy day it created instead of seeing it for the crops it helps revitalize. I saw my sadness as the roadblock I could not get over instead of the motivation I need to keep going.

I guess what I am getting at is that while there is nothing wrong with having an off moment, you cannot let it guide the entirety of your day.

Instead, pinpoint your problem. Is it something that you can do something about to help it? If yes, then get on that instead of crying about it. If not, you probably need to move on and stop letting it control the course of your emotions.

For lack of better words, shit happens. It happens all the time, to everyone, everyday.

Rise above it.

Feelin' a way on purpose

It was December 31, 2016. A friend and I took off from Windsor (home) to Toronto for a few days for the celebration of the new year. We had exciting plans ahead and I was super looking forward to it given that I had just come out of a relationship that was emotionally draining. This was like my return back to life. I remember the car ride and blasting music, singing along and just how excited I was to be in Toronto, a city that always seemed like it was calling my name.

Toronto has this pretty cool highway leading up to the city called the QEW/Gardiner Express and if you're coming from west of Toronto, you get to see a really dope skyline image of the downtown core. As you get closer, you can look up at each massive building and above all, you get to see the CN tower in all of its glory.

I remember that as we were approaching the downtown core and the city was unravelling itself in front of my eyes, I was playing the song Feel no ways by Drake. For some reason that stuck with me and that exact moment ended up playing in my head for years to come. The song itself became the anthem of driving into the city. It became tradition to play it just as I would be approaching the city. That exact moment also was something unprecedented for me. For some reason, and don't judge me I know it sounds a little silly, but for some reason, that moment felt like a light bulb just going off in my head saying that this was the city for me. It was one of those *ding ding ding* hello you are supposed to be here moments. It stuck with me and with every moment that I had in the city going forward, I began imagining it as my own.

Of course I was utterly in love with the life I saw on the streets. The infamous Yonge & Dundas Square, with the big bright screens, the live performances on the streets and the massive Eaton Centre. I remember how we parked randomly and wanted to grab a quick bite before returning to our hotel and we decided to enter the Eaton Centre just because I had never been. It was massive to say the least.

As we headed out and towards our hotel, we drove down King Street West which on a regular night is party central. It felt surreal to look out the window and see so many people walking down the streets despite it being rather cold outside and if I remember correctly, it was even snowing. It was magical, I felt so big and yet small in a city so full of life. Having lived in small to medium-sized cities my whole life, Toronto felt like I could finally open up my wings and let them be seen in their true glory. I wanted to live there so badly. I soaked in that feeling for the next few years to come.

In 2017, I returned to the city on several occasions. I had started dating someone in the city so partially, my excuse was seeing him, but I also just wanted to be there in the city and imagine it as my own. At various points throughout that year I wondered if I loved the city because the city itself was so great, or if the guy I was dating had an impact as to why I saw the city in such beautiful light. In reality, that guy was pretty cool (at the time). He loved showing me around and taking me places. He always took me out and made me feel extraordinary and that's a big deal because it is hard to receive attention that isn't just the bare minimum. He always went above and beyond. But enough about him for now.

Towards the end of the year, my friends and I came to Toronto and went to a few places that I had been wanting to cross off my list for a while. We finally went to Yorkdale mall which if you know me, you know that I would spend my every last dime there because that mall is spectacular. We finally walked the streets of Kensington market and got some street food and local goodies. We got to go up into the CN tower and visit the super awesome Ripley's Aquarium (tip: if you ever visit Toronto, buy the package with both of those attractions together because it is cheaper than buying them separately).

We went to the Toronto sign in Nathan Phillips Square and took some very basic touristy Toronto pictures. Although we were just scratching the surface of everything that Toronto is, it never ceased to amaze me.

I think it was in 2019 that the same guy took me to a restaurant that was part of the "underground" sort of elitist part of Toronto. It was expensive, lavish and felt as if I had just uncovered a brand new love for the city. Every time that I came to the city and experienced something new, it felt as if the city just had SO MUCH to give. The surprises never ceased to come to the surface. I loved everything about this city and I wanted to make it my own so badly.

I ended up making the city my own in the summer of 2019. Partially, it was because of the Master's program I had gotten accepted to. Another part was longing for that guy, and then the third part, was just because of my insane love for the city itself. At multiple points within that summer alone I wondered whether I had made the right decision. I'm not sure why I didn't believe those around me when they said that Toronto changes the way in which it is perceived depending on the place that you are at in the moment in which you are assessing the city's beauty. I always thought that I would have the same love for the city all the way throughout. I'm not sure I understood the magnitude of the words.

Now, let's break that down a little bit. Toronto is one of those cities where it feels like anything is possible, so far as you being a tourist (or being filthy rich). However, you cannot compare the experiences of tourists who comes to Toronto for a weekend blowing money left and right, with the experiences as a resident of the city, when every bill looks like a bill that is much higher than expected. Don't get me wrong though, because Toronto is incredible all the way. However, as a resident (a very much middle-class resident), the "anything is possible" experiences are limited to maybe once a week if you want to still have some money in your pocket.

On the other side, because Toronto is so massive and has so much opportunity, there are also very cheap ways to do really awesome things. There are so many dope holes-in-the-wall, free experiences and opportunities for entertainment. Just walking around Casa Loma is an experience in itself. You don't even have to pay the fee of going inside because the exterior is so amazing. I mean I'm sure the interior is just as amazing, but the exterior is free hahaha. I remember the first time I ever went clubbing in Toronto, I was on something called a "guest list" and apparently that meant getting into the club for free just because I was put on that guest list and probably because I was a female. With big cities, the competition is high so many awesome clubs will allow you to get in for free just because they need bodies in the club (and also if you are smart, you will pregame at home and let men buy you drinks at the club just to avoid spending any money at all hahaha). I have to say those were some cool ass times. Spending summer weekends at Cabana Pool Bar, crazy nights at Rebel and lavish nights at Lavelle. Awesome rooftop feels at Oasis, Lavelle, the Porch. I really do miss those days. I remember that at one point, I befriended all the major club promoters in the city and that calls for additional perks. Password-protected entry to clubs, first in line for concerts, vip booths and bottles. It really was the life.

Eventually, my time with the guy I was dating in the city, ended. I thought that this would affect the way I felt about the city and even make me resent the places he introduced me to. I'm glad he didn't have that much power over my love for the city because here I am, almost two years later, loving the city just as much as I did when I first moved here.

I ended up making the city my own. Finding my own lights, my own way of doing things. I started falling in love with moments and experiences and everything that I wanted to love about the city. I am not sure if I will be here forever or if it even is the place I want to forever call home but I do know one thing for certain: Toronto will always have a special place in my heart.