Healing, the romanticized version

Everyone says healing is a beautiful process and I really want to put a middle finger up to everyone when they say that. I think it's ugly and lonely and a part of me aches at every reminder I get of a person that is currently missing from my life. I've never lied in my writing because this is the only part of me that is entirely unfiltered. I never have to lie on here because frankly, I don't care who reads this. This is for me before it is for anyone else. I think healing sucks and it's more so because it's like a truck hitting you straight in the face that change needs to happen.

In the past I've stayed in relationships that were long overdue for a breakup because I would have much rather cried next to that person, than to be alone and I'm not proud of myself for doing that. I hate that I let myself lose parts of myself for the sake of feeling love in whatever capacity it was delivered in.

This week, I romanticized healing without meaning to. I have been waking up earlier than usual and doing a morning detox of my phone so that I can be more present in my actions. Yesterday I ran out of one of the vitamins I take daily (calcium and magnesium) and without really thinking about it, I grabbed a new container of those vitamins during my grocery store run last night. This morning, I opened up the new container and I happened to pay attention to the label and realized that the very vitamins I take are for building strong bones (I knew what the benefits of the vitamins were but it was the moment of realization that was important). In this weird little moment, I realized that this whole time, I had been subconsciously taking these vitamins in order to do something for myself. I became very self-aware of the fact that this is a subconscious action I do every day and it's part of something that I do for myself, by myself. I then took a few minutes and thought, well, if this is something I do subconsciously for bettering myself, how many other actions do I partake in daily for that same purpose?

I go to the gym a lot more often, I buy myself flowers biweekly because I like to have fresh flowers, I specifically buy more healthy food and less junk, I read every night. It truly is romantic really how much we actually do put into ourselves and we don't even give it a second thought because we are so accustomed to focus on what is lacking, and not what is already there.

As much as I hate the idea of healing and zen shit, I am starting to recognize just how out of touch I was with my own feelings, actions and my own self-love. I always thought of myself as a strong, independent, amazing woman who really can do anything she puts her mind to, but now, more than ever, I am seeing me for how insanely good I am to myself in admitting and taking ownership of my faults, of becoming a better person for and with myself, and for just how honest and raw I can be when I feel like I am at the bottom of the ladder and preparing myself for the climb up.

I hate that I have something to heal from in the first place and that a special person was ripped from my life without notice and with so much fault of my own, but, I am learning every single day how to create and work on creating and maintaining a band-aid that will cover that bruise and in time let it all heal. That's progress.

Reflecting and stuff

I can't believe today is March and two whole months have passed. Feels like it was just yesterday that I was so terrified of getting through the holiday season alone and now, it's almost spring and in some ways, I feel more lost than ever.

A bunch of things have been on my mind over the course of the last few days as I am slowly embarking on a journey of change. I was told that my best raw self comes out when I write so I decided that maybe it's time to get back to this, at least for a while if it feels right. I was told that an artist is represented through their art and perhaps, my words will represent that. It's tough when you talk about yourself because certain parts that you would otherwise keep to yourself, tend to come out. The truth is, I have probably dozens of entries sitting in my drafts because over the course of the last eight or so months, I have struggled to write. I get as far as a few sentences in and I almost always end up closing the tab because I can't bring myself to finish. I guess I just haven't allowed myself to feel more deeply and comprehend my emotions. I'm hoping that I finish this one because you have no idea how much shit is in this brain of mine.

Last week I had a very romcom type of moment that I keep replaying in my brain because it gave me a level of serotonin that I can't even begin to explain. It was a simple moment, those types of moments you see literally in romcoms where a couple brushes their teeth next to each other in the bathroom, they catch a glimpse of one another in the mirror as they're brushing, they lean into each other and giggle and it turns into one of those moments that they just treasure forever. It was that kind of a moment with that exact scenario too. I'm smiling just thinking of it just cause it felt so special in the moment. A juvenile and pure, innocent moment where I felt more love within me than I felt in years. If I could have that memory locked into my brain forever, I think I would forever love to look back at it.

I think for a few months, I've been struggling with a bit (maybe a lot) of an identity issue. I tend to find myself falling in love with the life of other people while I often tend to disregard my own. I'm not sure why but I feel a sort of stalemate as of late. I don't really like where I am but I don't hate it enough to actively pursue leaving. I kind of want to move, but not sure where to go. Been thinking a lot about how cool it would be to live in the States just cause whenever you need a change of scenery there, changing states is so much more doable without getting too far from the place you started. Where the hell am I gonna go in Canada that is worth living in if it's not Toronto? Vancouver and be a billion hours away? Nah. I like proximity to my family while also not having a single desire to live in Windsor again. I've been flirting with the idea of going backwards towards Windsor but States side. After being in Detroit last week, it reminded me just what a different world it is and still only a twenty minute drive from Windsor. Detroit could be a possible destination but I also don't have much of a reason to put that much effort into that big of a change. Just flirting I guess. My life isn't bad, it just needs a little spicing up.

I also think I'm a hopeless romantic in that while I have personal goals, I always romanticized the idea that all of these life decisions are better made with someone by your side. I've been thinking a lot about healthy relationships, long lasting relationships and what those mean and while I know there's no one definition for how a relationship is supposed to be solid and last, I think I have a good idea of what I want. It's important to be with someone who you click with both mentally, emotionally and physically, but at the end of the day, I think a relationship that lasts is all about work and who is willing to put in work without giving up. It's about communicating and coming to a common conclusion, never an ultimatum. It's about learning to walk together when you may have had different paces all along. It's about giving and taking and issues will still arise but the partner that is meant for you, is supposed to say "how will we fix this?" and never walk away. I don't know, I guess that's just how I view it because I don't really give up. You sometimes need years to really understand, process and fall in love more and more with your partner and that is all reliant on time, on growth. With time comes fights, issues, and all of that, and your partner is supposed to be your rock in terms of fixing it. I kind of laughed reading back this whole paragraph because while it seems that I subconsciously know all of these things, I somehow still always approach relationships or let myself be approached in all the wrong ways.

I learned this yesterday about myself but in all of my past relationships, I have always been the one who, til the last moment, I wanted to work on things and make them better because I would rather be the one getting my heart broken by someone, than to live with the guilt of what could have happened if we would have been able to work it out and keep going. I guess it's easier for me to move on if my partner walks away first because I can live with the fact that I wanted to fight all along. It's kind of sad really... I don't know why I'm like this.

I also learned today that I have an anxious attachment style which is stemmed from abandonment issues and the fear of someone walking away and me being left alone which is pretty valid I guess. It makes sense that I would always be the one to cling on to someone til my last breath.

I also am the kind of person who has watched too many romcoms and sort of hopes that one day, when the stars align (if they do), if two people are meant to be together, they will find their way back to each other. Maybe I need to snap back to reality, who knows.

I was recently told that the very part of me I used to love most, is not there right now. I used to be an open book who not only loved to talk about anything and everything, but also loved to hear and ask the same of the people I was with, whether friends, lovers or otherwise. I used to love to ask questions and explore the deepest parts of people and fall in love so quickly and I'm pretty sad to come to a realization that I haven't been doing that, my light has been dimmed over the course of the last year and that kind of sucks. More so, I hate that in losing myself for a little while, I also hurt other people who expected me to be better.

I guess this is all a part of self discovery and perhaps, as much as my book was sort of a self-discovery book, maybe now, more than ever, I need to come to terms with who I am. Maybe I need to re-read my own book and see which parts of Cez I want to keep around.

It is March and that means new beginnings, a new season is underway. Maybe it's my time to hop back on my creative journey and start creating again. I know there's a few of you who have been looking forward to me writing again so if you are reading this, send me your thoughts, I'd love to hear them. Until then, thank you for coming to my Cez talk xo.

The light at the end of the tunnel

When something bad happens, there are certain stages of grief that you go through in order to deal with it. When it rains, sometimes it pours and sometimes the soil is so badly soaked that new blooms are drowning beneath the dirt. As the days pass and the sun comes out, the soil slowly dries and the blooms are able to poke through and eventually bring little tiny leaves on the surface. Whenever life brings you down, you just gotta take it one step at a time and slowly pick yourself out of the dirt, establish yourself on your own two feet and start taking the essential steps towards healing.

Is it easy? No very likely not. Is it rewarding when you finally reach that point of walking? Yes, so rewarding.

I started journaling (on like an actual notebook) and writing down goals and things I want to accomplish, places I want to go to, things I want to do. I guess the biggest luxury about being on your own is that you get to do life exactly how you want to, without having to worry about anyone else and how they might perceive it. I kind of missed that part of myself and the independence I would exude.

Social media pressures were kind of eating me alive and I think a part of me found validation in posting and I'm kind of glad I came to this realization in recent weeks. I am starting to become a bit more private and making sure that I'm happy before I post a smiling picture where I pretend to be happy.

I've been unhappy for some time now and it's nice to find the happiness within. To really, truly look within and come to the realization that I don't need anyone to give me everything that I can give myself. It's nice to stop asking for validation and reassurance and to give it to myself.

At the end of the day, you're the only one capable of doing all of the amazing things you put your mind to. When you're kicked to the ground and left on your own, it is your own self that picks you up. No one else. So, if you're gonna take anything from this post, take this: make sure to spend some extra time to take care of the person you are. Your health, your mental state, your physical wellness. You are the only one who can make anything better. Give yourself a little extra love, you deserve it.