Words, thoughts, shit

At all material times, I probably have a collection of about 20 things that occupy brain space. Whether it's a task at work, a feeling, a text I feel like sending or a thought about what I should have for lunch, I am always keeping this brain of mine busy with random, sometimes insignificant things. The 20 things get replaced every so often by other things and it never quite decreases to a number under 20 but it always has the ability to surpass 20. No wonder I grow grays like crazy.

The past few days, my brain has felt in overdrive. I can't seem to stop thinking, replaying, overthinking, underthinking, analyzing, processing and all of the in-between. I just got my hair dyed and if I don't stop this, I will literally have gray hair in a week.

But how do you stop? What does it take for your brain to shut up, take a breather and go with the flow? What does it take to relax and not burn yourself out with thoughts of things you can't control? What does it take to just chill out? Xanax probably.

I've been thinking a lot about the people who can actually just chill out and take things as they come to them. The people who let whatever is natural fall into place and don't occupy brain space with overthinking or wondering what's next or thinking a million steps ahead and planning for each step of the way. I think I need to practice some mindfulness or yoga or something cause these people definitely know something I don't. Simultaneously, in overthinking everything, I feel a sense of care. I wouldn't be burning myself out with all of these thoughts if these things weren't things I care about.

Sometimes I read everything I write and wonder how I got to the point of several paragraphs just rambling on about stuff that doesn't quite make sense. Other times, I read it just for validation that what I write is how I feel and then, I can have a visual of what is on my mind. Other times, I just feel more lost in the process of reading it all.

If you're reading this and sometimes feel the same, I hope you find some comfort in the fact that you are not alone. I also hope that your gray hair isn't all that bad. Until next time, xo.

Feeling feelings or whatever you want to call this

I watched a sappy love movie last night. Do you ever just know in advance that you're about to sign yourself up for a movie that will absolutely rip your heart into shreds and make you cry like a baby and you still do it anyway? It's like having a choice as to whether you want to continue being sane or choose chaos within your heart and you just choose the option that will absolutely ruin you while being completely conscious that this is precisely what you're about to do.

Needless to say, I cried my heart out last night. I probably needed it because it brought me to understand certain emotions I've been avoiding. I typically don't like to cry. I don't see a reason to unleash the crying considering I will likely end up with a wild headache and a need for an extra strength ibuprofen. The only times I really cry are when my heart gets broken, typically by either really sad movies or men (what's new). Last night I kind of combined the both into the same crying session and I'd say that was pretty strategic of me now that I think about it. I just made myself laugh LOL. But anyway. So I give myself a good ten or so minutes to really cry it out. The nice part about living alone now, is that I could put on a full performance and cry out loud. It was great. Okay I need to stop with the jokes.

I guess that during this crying sesh, I really came to terms with the fact that I used to have someone to tell about these things and that person is no longer here to comfort me and that was a sucky realization. No matter how many distractions I can choose to be exactly that, distractions, it doesn't really change who this person was to me and I think I really let that wash over me last night. If things were different, I know that person would have hopped on a call with me and made me smile. God, the simple sight of his face made me smile. I didn't even need a conversation, I just needed to feel that energy.

I'm going home to my parents' house this week and I've been sort of dreading that. Crazy to think that not so long ago, I was so excited to make trips home more often and now I am absolutely detesting that thought. I know the sight of my parents, sisters and dog will put me in a better place, I guess I am just moping today and being a little negative.

I like words because they let me access parts of my brain that I can't really comprehend with just thought. Writing these words down just makes me truly appreciate and untangle what goes on inside of my head. Am I likely over sharing? Yeah but I'd rather be me than a toned down version that I had put on display in the past.

Have a happy week, my heart goes out to all of you who might also be emotionally dealing with some crap.

Overdue reminders

No one automatically deserves your attention. Ok so then why do I feel like I have to give it? Well, is it given to you in return with the same sort of intensity that you are awarding it with? No. Well then why do you feel like you have to give your all to someone or something that isn't scratching your back in the same way that you scratch theirs?

I guess I always have put a lot of heart into the people and things that are important to me. I have a hard time half-assing the things that are important to me and I guess that comes down to the simple act of care and empathy and probably has a lot to do with emotional maturity. Am I emotionally mature? Probably not but I have been putting a lot of work into that in the past little while.

A friend drove me home yesterday and we were discussing the concept of a healthy relationship and how that gets determined right off the bat. He was telling me that a girl he had been talking to, essentially had a "fool-proof method" of knowing whether a guy was going to be the right guy for her based on whether or not he paid for the first date. We chuckled a bit at this and he asked me for my opinion as to the situation. In discussing it, he told me that he had no problem paying for a date cause that's just the courteous thing to do as a man in his opinion. He was more so concerned with the fact that this was something expected, if not demanded, and yet there was nothing there to show that the girl herself was someone who would bring something valuable to the table. Now, I hadn't thought of it like that which now thinking about it, it seems like something silly to overlook.

Me, as a woman, yes I want a guy to court me. To feel seen, valued, appreciated. I want the car door opened, kisses on the cheek, flowers just because. I want to be told "get dressed, we're going on a date". However, what is it that I bring to that relationship that also gives the guy the validation he needs to be certain that his efforts aren't left unseen? I know that I have always been the person to give more than I get, but along time, I have most certainly had faults. Now, I know that ultimately, the person I am with next, I would like to be certain that whatever I have in my power to control in terms of how I make them feel, I would like to be fully present in those actions. At the end of the day, that makes sense right? You want your partner to be the best version of themselves while they are at your side, and vice versa. It's a partnership and it's about giving and taking and balancing out as necessary.

I guess in achieving that level of emotional maturity, I should (and maybe you should too) think about not only what I ultimately desire and deserve, but rather, in order to attract that, what is it that I am also offering out? What is the energy that I exude? Why should someone feel lucky to be with me?

(cause I'm great duh)

Jokes aside, I think we all have a little bit to learn and perhaps, making a checklist is not the best way to go about it. While we all desire certain things, there should be room left for error. Perhaps a checklist that is written in pencil to allow for erasing and adjusting. Lines left in between to fill out later on. No one is perfect but some people are willing to go that extra mile to show that they care and that they'll fight for something good and that should always be taken into the equation when determining who the right partner would be.