Reach out (or don't idk)

I often think about what it would be like to reach out to someone from the past. Whether a past lover, a friend you no longer consider to be a friend, someone you met years ago and never kept in touch. I wonder what those conversations would look like.

A few days ago I mentioned that I was feeling nostalgia over the fact that this time last year I was in a different place in my life than I am now and while that's not a bad thing by any means, I wonder what a conversation would look like if I reached out.

Do I really have a purpose for what I want to do? No, not really. I guess there's just a certain comfort associated with having a conversation with someone who once used to know everything about you even if they no longer do. It's a strange feeling knowing that you don't want anything other than to know the other person is doing well in whatever they're doing.

I was 20 years old when I got into my first ever relationship. Even though it was short lived cause I didn't know much about how to date or be a partner at that young of age, I remember that even after breaking up, he would reach out every few months or so to see how I was doing. While at first I was bitter about these interactions and wanted to show him how much better I was on my own, over time, I learned to celebrate his big moments and we were able to have nice encounters. A little piece of me held on to that and I've tried to implement it into my life since.

I began my day listening to a youtube playlist someone made me a few months ago. I guess that really added to the nostalgia and for a while now I've been feeling it more than ever. I also saw a post earlier that there's a huge pressure on people in the summer to have "the best weekend ever" since it's summer and it's sunny and the possibilities are endless. That really validated the feeling that you can still be sad or nostalgic in the summer if something doesn't go your way or a plan flops or if you simply don't have the coolest plans for the weekend. We're only human and even if you have an off few days, weekends or weeks despite it being summer, that doesn't invalidate your ability to have fun or make you any less of a being capable of having a great time.

My brain feels scattered and I'm not sure what I'm really trying to relay in all of this, but if any of it resonates with you, I hope this helps <3 xo

Hitting play again

I've been feeling nostalgic lately. That feeling is multi-fold because there are tons of reasons as to why I feel this way. At this time last year, I was out on the east coast, in love. I was spending time by the ocean, learning about places I had never been to before. On this day in particular, I was in Provincetown, Cape Cod. I remember the gritty clam chowder and drinking cold white claws on the steps of what I think was a church if I'm not mistaken. I had a catch-up conversation with a friend I made out there the other day and speaking to her made me re-live some really great memories I had made. Memories of happy days make me pretty nostalgic when seeing how much can change in the course of a year.

I spent last week at home with my family because I was feeling homesick. In the week at home, I felt a need to detach as much as possible. I didn't make plans with anyone, and concentrated on being present to my needs for family interaction. I sat out in the sun, splashed around in the pool, and read a book that was arguably one of the best I've ever read. I put in place a reset for myself and what I want to focus on next in the months to come. I think I really needed that because I came back yesterday with a desire for change and a charged battery. I have been feeling like I've been playing catch-up in my life as of late so it's nice to feel like I caught up to myself. I feel ready to embark on some life-altering decisions. I know this is kind of vague and cryptic but what I am saying is that lately I feel like I had hit pause on my life and vegetated in a state of comfort instead of trying to improve on all areas of my life and I think this is my time to hit play again and take charge of the changes I want to make.

I've made a responsible choice to stop dating for now. I think that this next phase of my life is going to revolve around a lot of growth and I don't like meaningless interactions. I feel like my heart is in a place of exhaustion from introducing and re-introducing myself to guys who are not really serving a purpose in my life right now and I'm growing sort of tired of talking to someone new about my hobbies over dinner. I miss that feeling of being cared for and inquired about and for someone to have a deeper connection with me, but I think that sort of role will be reserved for someone more special and maybe more so down the line. I feel like I'm still not over certain aspects of my most recent romantic encounters and I would hate to string someone along when I know damn well that I'm emotionally unavailable. Maybe this is just not the time.

In thinking about pushing that play button, I wonder if you, the one reading this, have recently put some thought into this. When was the last time you took an inventory of your life and thought about what is serving you and what no longer is, what is good for you and what is causing you more harm? What's your next step? Your next achievement?

If nothing else, I want you to consider whether you have hit pause at a comfortable stage in your life and have failed to remember to press play again. Give that some thought.

The sun shines within

My fluffy purple blanket spread out on the grass, each of our shoes securing an edge from flying away. A book half read, a cup of ice cold water. The sun is out, not a cloud in sight. The wind is blowing quite strong but it feels nice to just hear the leaves ruffling in the breeze of it all. The sun touches my skin and the warmth of it feels nice. It's just nice, so nice to be here in this moment, feeling as if life is just aligning.

I spent a couple hours reading a book that I had started only a day before. I kept stretching around and taking in my surroundings. Touching the grass with my toes, watching a caterpillar just crawl around. June was a busy month with so many beautiful memories made. Slowing down and being able to take that evening doing exactly what I described above, really grounded me for the next few weeks of adventures.

As I was packing up and headed back to my apartment up the hill, I thought about wanting to write again, feeling as if my vision had cleared and I no longer felt the lack of inspiration. I've always been much more creative when I'm either in love or heartbroken, so to be able to write in the absence of either of those emotions, is just nice.

Perhaps time really does heal all wounds and perhaps a heart can be filled with so much love, and that love really doesn't have to come from a romantic interest to count as love. So many beautiful moments fill my mind now and are starting to replace the hurt and the moments where my heart felt like it was shattering into a million pieces. While I won't just be able to erase the hurt, at least the good is overpowering the bad and that's good enough for me.

I have no energy to focus on anything that isn't for me. In finding that peace within, I am coming to realize that whatever and whoever wants to be in my life, will just be. I have no energy to seek out attention or affection anymore, and no energy to reach out. I think I'm at peace and I like the ability to just be unapologetically me. I am my own damn sunshine and I love that.