Sparks fly, it's like electricity

I have always taken an interest in reading about love stories. I love reading about love and thinking that perhaps, the author is writing from experience and sharing those vulnerable parts of themselves through their words. I am a hopeless romantic and often envision that maybe one day, that will be me. I romanticize moments and often wonder if they're supposed to be part of that love story that will eventually become my story.

That being said, I feel like I have grown colder with every disappointing interaction I have had in love. It's hard to remain soft to the touch of love when love nowadays isn't the love that I read about in my books. Love is fleeting now and I want a forever love.

Have you ever had something just spark in you in the presence of someone? I guess it doesn't necessarily need to be romantic but I am talking about someone who makes you feel like the best version of yourself simply by being present with you. I've been feeling all types of inspired lately and I want to write about it because the fire in me has grown to the point I am blowing fumes because I am overflowing with ideas and thoughts and love that I want to spill on the pages that I write on. This sort of feeling doesn't come by often and I am so mad at myself for not noticing it sooner. I think only two people have ever made me feel that sort of spark within that makes me feel like the world is my oyster and in some ways, I hate that both of those connections are in some way romantic.

I feel like I'm beating around the bush here because my thoughts are frantic and I can't be more specific than I am right now but in the abstract, I hope you understand what I mean. I hope you read my words and think to yourself about who in your life has undoubtedly made you feel like the truest version of yourself, the most inspired version. Who has lit up a fire within you so big that you want to just sing songs at the top of your lungs because you feel a happiness so deep and consuming that it heals your every wound? Who makes you dance in your kitchen? Who?

I used to love music, absolutely love it. I would play songs with my friends, sing along to them, harmonize. I lost that a while back and I was even talking to one of my friends recently about how we both had not searched up new music in what feels like years and we mostly listen to the songs that become popular on the radio nowadays. Well, let me tell you that my spark is back and for the last little while or so, all I do is listen to music and sing my heart out and it feels so good. It feels so good to feel that spark, the ever-consuming happiness within... love.

I told myself that I'll keep playing this game of chess and be patient, strategize and make my move when the timing is right. I told myself that I won't ever let myself be mistreated again in love like I have time and time again and I promise that I have not forgotten about that promise. I want to do right by me this time and if that means waiting until I have exactly what I want, then hell, I'll play the game of chess until I am the last piece standing.

Cryptic I know, but if you gotta remember something from all of this, it's this: don't settle for less than you deserve because you can have a spectacular love, I promise you. Don't sell yourself short and settle. Don't let someone's maybe become your always. Do right by you.

Seasons change but maybe so do we

I am feeling nostalgic as heck. I have been using that word a lot over the last few weeks and I'm not sure if it even carries the same meaning anymore but I can't think of a different word that encompasses this feeling. Even looking at synonyms doesn't really help because nostalgia is pretty all-encompassing of the synonyms.

The leaves have been changing, the weather has been significantly more gloomy and I have even been wearing full length pants for about two days or so. Fall is upon us and it seems too quick, I haven't even had time to process the end of summer yet. I've been home at my parents' house the past two weekends in a row. Once it was for the wedding of a high school friend which was nostalgic in and of itself to come to that realization that we are getting older and to the point where marriage is something pretty common. This past weekend, I was in town only to leave town and go for a little roadie to Cleveland.

On Monday, I went on a walk by the waterfront in Windsor which, if you're from Windsor and reading this, you already know that maybe some of your biggest life decisions have been contemplated while on a walk here. Maybe you went on a first date here or watched the fireworks or had your first kiss. I met my really good friend there on Monday and we caught up for a few hours. Made it from the Parent parking lot all the way to the bridge and back. Again, if you know what I'm talking about, that's about 10km worth of walking and you can only imagine the amount of talking that can be done in that time. As we approached the bridge, we started hearing music and people laughing and screaming and having a seemingly good time which of course, peaked our attention. We headed in the direction of the noise and saw something that put us both hella in our feels - freshmen students at the university going through their first ever welcome week. We stood there in awe for several minutes and reminisced on what seemed like many years ago since we were standing there in the same spot, but on the other side of things, as students embarking on their journeys at the university. We talked about the good, the bad, the otherwise. The friends we made across time and the connections we may have lost in the course of these years passing and people moving on with their individual lives.

We talked about our very own group which was initially formed of 3 and we called ourselves "the goonz" and how over time, despite friendships having their ups and downs and all arounds, nothing will ever be the same as it once was. Despite our group trying to re-group, we no longer have the geographical proximity which kept us all so close back then when we had daily classes and saw each other not only multiple times a week, but multiple times a day. It made me sad thinking about how many times just us 3 have moved around from city to city and place to place and the time between our get togethers got longer and longer as time went on. The reality is that we are no longer those kids who showed up to their 10am intro to Canadian politics class every Monday and Wednesday with crippling hangovers but a big old smile on our faces the moment we saw our friends. The reality is that 7 or so years have passed since then and we are now fully grown adults navigating life and love and resilience on a day-to-day basis. The reality is that we made new friends along the way, new memories that matter. While I am sad that I no longer have what I had 7 years ago, I am happy that those memories live rent-free in my head even 7 years later.

I feel like nostalgia hits hardest at the end of summer and beginning of fall because a lot of our memories are attached to the beginning of the school year, despite being several years outside of school. This morning, I watched it all unravel in front of me yet again - watching kids with cute brand new backpacks make their way to school. As I was driving through my neighbourhood and making my way out to work, I really sulked in the feeling of sadness over the moments that are now just part of my memory.

Just give it time

What does time really mean in the grand scheme of things? I guess that's a very abstract question to ask since it can mean so many things depending on the situation.

What does time mean in a relationship that lasted years if it all came to an end despite the amount of time spent together?

Does that time really mean anything if you didn't end up continuing your lives together?

What does time mean if the latter part of a relationship was based on a lie because one partner knew the truth and the other didn't?

Are you wasting time or does it mean that you are saving time if it ends sooner rather than later?

What does time mean when a friendship of many years ceases to exist because of some dumb reason?

What does that time in between mean from where the friendship ended to where it was picked back up again because people grow up and get over things?

What does time mean when you are trying to work towards bringing that same friendship to the level of trust and love that was created long ago but are no longer?

What does time mean when you still have time to fix it all?

What does time mean when you are running out of time?

I'm trying to give myself grace for the lost and wasted time because I know that time in between gave me the opportunity to grow and learn from my mistakes. I know that sometimes, when you force something to happen prematurely, it has the opportunity to go terribly before it ever goes well. So maybe, time is what is needed. Time to heal, try, work on what I ultimately desire.

It's a funny realization that time can hurt just as much as it can heal and time can take away just as much as it can give and we have to somehow, navigate all of that and find a way to make time work in our favour.