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I've just sat down in the airport lounge and looked left and right to find an outlet to plug in my phone. I have a fear of missing flights or being late to any sort of commitment so I always tend to be early. With two hours to go until I have to board, I figured there's no better time to share some reflections from my trip.


I have a giant soft spot for Europe. Partially because I was born and raised in Romania, of course. Every chance I get to take a trip, more often than not, I will choose Europe. It feels homey and lively and I feel most like myself when I am there. I also haven't yet seen much of it so this works in my favour. This time around, I chose Berlin and Amsterdam, two very different cities, with very different vibes. I made a questionable itinerary because I get excited about booking flights so I didn't fully think it through, and booked the roundtrip to Berlin and did Amsterdam in between. So I started in Berlin for two days, went to Amsterdam for three, and came back to Berlin for a few more. It worked out great though so no complaints here.


I should preface by saying that I don't think there are sufficient words to describe what I experienced on this trip so words will let me down in my descriptions. I don't know how to say what I need to say to be fully-encompassing of my journey.


This was my first ever fully solo trip. I have been 'solo' before but never fully. This time around, I left Canada by myself, knowing that I will not know anyone in either of those two cities, with the exception of some loose connections I had made over the internet or met randomly in previous travels. However, I was not counting on any of these connections for company. I was not too nervous though because I chose a franchise of hostels that I had previously stayed at in Barcelona and knew how easy it would be to make friends. Now that I think about it though, I want to give myself a pat on the back because while I didn't consider this whole socializing thing to be particularly hard, it definitely takes some balls.


Berlin was cold when I got there and I quickly understood how much I underestimated the language barrier despite most Germans speaking impeccable English. I told myself right off the bat to try and be patient and if I don't understand directions or signs, to just take a breather and find someone who can help me. When I got on the train from the airport to the city, I literally had no idea what Friedrichstrasse was, but everyone kept telling me that's where the train was going. I followed my route on my phone gps as the train was moving and it appeared I was going in the right direction, which I now find so silly the more I think about it. Turns out Friedrichstrasse was a station and it means Freedom Street and it's also the most central street in Berlin. Felt like a genius when I finally made it and realized I didn't get lost. I'm generally pretty good with directions but it certainly is easier when you know the language.


On my first night I had to work up the courage to make some friends. I went downstairs to the bar and got a double rum and coke for courage and looked around to see which table seemed like one that would be welcoming. I saw some tables with just guys which was a bit intimidating, a couple tables with just one guy and one girl which gave the impression like they could be on a date, and then, the table I chose had two girls and a guy and they were shuffling cards as if to start playing a game. I remember saying to myself "ok Cez you got this, you're nice, you're smart, you're funny, you can totally make friends". I reached their table and asked if they had room for one more to join the game and was welcomed with open arms. They were the absolute sweetest. Another girl and guy joined from their group and the six of us were nearly inseparable for the next two days. Together we laughed, ate, explored, partied and got to know so much about each other's cultures. They were all Norwegian and the first Norwegians I have ever met if I think about that. I don't think I know any other Norwegians. They taught me so much about life in Norway and what their lives and families are like. A few days later when we parted ways as they went back to Norway and I moved on to my next adventure in Amsterdam, we exchanged socials and swore to keep in touch. It wasn't long after that they each would send me pictures showing me what their towns looked like and what they were up to - complete gems.


Amsterdam was a fricken VIBE. First off, my compliments to the chefs cause Dutch men are absolutely BEAUTIFUL and I think I fell in love about a million times a day. If any Dutch man is reading this, pls have my babies I would literally be honoured. First of all, the city is beautiful which I guess is representative of its men also. I caught some very lucky sunny days which made it all so much better and, best of all, I caught prime tulip season. As you may know, tulips are my absolute favourite flowers so I was in a constant state of awe in Amsterdam. The views were great, the beer was cold, and the people I met were an absolute hoot. The security guard of the hostel made origami flowers for me every night and the boys in the kitchen snuck me free food. I met a Colombian girl in my dorm on my first night that barely spoke English and understanding each other was a beautiful mix of Spanglish. Each night in Amsterdam was spent with different people and it was such a beautiful feeling of a mix of cultures coming together for the common goal of having a great time. I met some lovely British girls that were there for my first Amsterdam joint, a Mexican gay that fed us tequila until we died, a Spanish guy that kept me away from my bed until 4 in the morning, and Australians every single night. I met Americans that I ate pancakes and pizza with, I checked off Zaandam from my bucket list, visited the tulip museum, drank a coffee while sitting on the Fault in Our Stars bench, and drank beer at the Heineken experience.


I met an internet friend that I've connected with over the course of the pandemic. A Romanian gal that has been living in Amsterdam for over 5 years. I'm still in awe of that interaction because she took me out to show me Amsterdam and places that were special to her despite having worked the whole day and potentially being tired. I'm always amazed at the moments where something like that plays out. I have made a ton of internet friends over the course of the years but I don't really give much thought to meeting them because the reality of those chances are rather slim. When it happens, I'm literally left with so much gratitude for (as silly as this is going to sound) technology because it has this amazing power of bringing people together from across the globe. Creating connections that would never be possible otherwise. I'm also grateful for cool people, people that will go out of their way to create or maintain a connection. It's really cool to see that despite all the bad in the world, there is still so much good.


I also met a girl in my dorm that turns out she lives only a few streets away from me here in Toronto! How neat is that? Her and I connected quite well which was awesome and we checked off some bucket list items together. If I were to get deep with it, I'd give you some long spiel about how the universe works in mysterious ways when it introduces you to people that perhaps you would have never comes across in your own city, but do so on a different continent, in the most unbelievable of ways. I mean seriously, what are the chances that I would room with someone who literally lives down the street from me?


Life is pretty fricken unbelievable in the most incredible of ways.


When I returned to Berlin, I was already a professional of navigating the train system and getting off at Friedrichstrasse was no problem at all this time around. I even bought a celebratory sausage and ate it on my way to the hostel while dragging my suitcase through the cobblestone roads and disturbing the peace. Damn tourists.


Berlin part two was even more insane than I anticipated. There were still a few bucket list items left on my list, including checking out the techno scene. It was perfect timing since I came back on a Friday. I dressed in all black leather and made my way to the club with my newfound friends, two Michiganders and a Brazilian. After waiting in line for over an hour and putting 4 stickies over my phone cameras to prevent from any pictures or videos being taken, I was allowed in. I had no idea what to expect since the whole scene is a secret well kept with the whole techno community frowning upon the use of phones in the club. That being said, it's also really neat how it's encouraged that you stay off your phone and live in the moment, listen to the music and forget the time or the outside world. The whole scene is pretty dark but not in a bad way. Just different from anything I have ever seen in my life given that I am generally attracted to different types of music and clubs. The people are nice and strangely enough, they keep to themselves and give you enough room to vibe out. I prefer that over some guy putting his hands on me on the middle of a dance floor. Most of all, it is a community and if someone is having a bad trip or they loose something on the ground, everyone pitches in to help out. I don't think I want to say anything more about it because I respect the intimate relationship that the Berliners have created within this techno community and the mutual trust put into all those who attend.


On my last day, I did something really fricken cool. A friend of mine told me about an abandoned airport in Berlin that is now a place for people to ride bikes, hangout and enjoy the weather. After a delicious bowl of ramen, I decided to check it out. I rented an e-scooter and scooted my way through what used to be the runway of the airport, feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin, and as non-poetic as this is about to sound, I was praying that I wouldn't crash. I had never used one of those scooters before and let me tell ya, 20km/hr is a lot faster than you'd think when you're relying on two wheels. My ass is still sore from how stiff I was standing on it but I really couldn't have asked for a better last day.


21 minutes to go before I board. I'm honestly ready to go home and don't feel that sadness to leave. I guess that since my trips are rather short, I go really hard every single day of the trip to make the best out of it and fully live out every moment, so when I'm done, I'm just ready to go home and sleep off the exhaustion of drinking 8 consecutive days and sleeping 4 hours a night.


As my first ever fully solo trip is coming to the end, I have one overarching comment to make. Meeting people while solo is so much easier than when you are with someone. When you already have company, you tend to stick to comfort despite perhaps being open to meeting new people and that deters you from the possibilities of the unknown. It's the safe choice of course. Being solo, although uncomfortable sometimes, gives you the opportunity to do exactly what you want to do at any point of the trip and with exactly who you want to do it with. You don't have to make any compromises with anyone and can leave at any point if you don't vibe with one group. I had the opportunity to meet some really great people that I hope I will get to keep in touch with in the years to come. Now that I've done it, I look forward to the next time that I can take off again once my batteries are re-charged and my bank account doesn't hurt to look at.


Thanks for reading this, I really appreciate you all.

 
 

It's 5:28pm when I enter my apartment. I close the door and lock it immediately behind me. I have this irrational fear of unlocked doors, although I would argue it's probably more rational than anything. I ask Alexa to play soft jazz music at volume 4. I set down my slice of pizza that I got for free because of a coupon I got last night at the game. Thank god I have one less meal to worry about before my trip because I have 5 days of feeding myself left before I fly out on Saturday. I take my jacket off and hang it in the closet all while kicking my shoes off. The sun is starting to come down, lighting up the entire living room. It's warmer here than in the other rooms because of it. The sunlight is unobstructed. I light up a candle.


I make my way to my room and undress and then tiptoe my way to the bathroom to turn the shower on. I hate sitting in the house in my outside clothes so I like to undress and shower as soon as I get home. The hot water feels good on my skin. I think about the toiletries I need to pack as I apply a coffee scented exfoliating scrub on my legs. The mirror is foggy when I get out of the shower and my big beach towel feels nice and soft around me. I step out of the bathroom to see that the living room is turning orange from the shades of light the sun is putting on display. After taking it in for a couple of moments, I walk back to my room to change. A Dean Martin song comes on. I soak in the moment.


I started a book about a week ago that is rather voluminous. I like slow-burn romance novels because it gives me something to work for and look forward to as opposed to the quick in and out novels. Both great but for different reasons. I like being patient with this one. I head back to the kitchen to pour myself a glass of chocolate milk and find a comfortable spot on the couch to sit with my book. I like sitting out here when the sun is setting. The room is starting to turn pink.


The playlist changes again to just melodic jazz, no lyrics. Perfect for me to start reading. Before I know it, the room is getting dark and I am deep into this book. I should probably get up and turn on a light. I retreat back to my room.


Life is freaking beautiful even in these small moments with myself. I hate thinking about the fact that we sometimes spend so much time upset and lacking confidence, ambition and gratitude when something as small as what I just wrote about can make you feel so whole. I read somewhere that it's the most beautiful thing worrying only about yourself in your 20's and truly finding that company within yourself to do the things you want to do, on your timeline and for your very self. It's interesting to see how much time we spend on other people, their wants and needs, and make compromises about what is important to us while satisfying them.


I love coming home to my own place every day and not having to worry about anyone. I love putting on my jazz music and unwinding by myself in my own way. I love not texting anyone back and leaving my phone in another room knowing that I don't need it because there will be no one looking for me.


All the same, I love taking off on my own. In 5 days I will be reunited with my favourite love - Europe, and embarking in a new adventure. With grace, solitude and a yearning for life, I can't wait to just be.

 
 

Nearly a year ago I wrote a post about a dear friend of mine who became a crutch to me during a trying time of my life. I remember that at that point in time, I was broken as hell, more broken than I had been in years, and she devoted a portion of time every day to make sure I would be okay. It has been just under a year since then and I wanted to express some thoughts about what has transpired since.


I think that as we grow older, friendships change (obviously) and people that I thought would be in my life forever can find their way out of my life for one reason or another. That happens and that's okay. It may hurt, you may cry over the loss of some friends, but at some point, it just becomes okay. I've gone through a lot of transitions in the past year which in some ways helped me solidify relationships, and in others, put a stop to what was no longer serving me. As cliché as that may sound, people come and go.


I had a moment last night where I sent my friend a voice note that I instantly regretted sending. I was feeling weak and vulnerable and I wanted to express to her how I felt in order to get some comfort. As soon as I replayed the voice note and I heard back everything I had just said out loud, I literally thought I was going insane. Why was I thinking such troubled thoughts? What would she think of me when playing back that voice note?


The thing is that this whole concept of "working on yourself" doesn't really ever stop. As you keep doing it, you come across different sets of challenges that either puts you off track, or you have to figure out a way to overcome them. When my friend answered me and addressed the things that were occupying my peace of mind last night, she did not think I was going insane. Instead, she immediately tried to understand and validate why I might be feeling that way. I genuinely thought that once she hears me talk about such silly things, she would roll her eyes and think "cez has lost it".


Over 365 days have now passed of daily "good morning brother, how are you?" texts or voice notes. Over 365 days have passed where a simple wish of well was sent, even if we were both busy. Some days it was more, and other days it was just a hello.


Friendship is not measured by the number of years someone can be in your life, but rather the value that the friendship brings to your life. Sometimes friendship is just about taking a step back and listening, and other times, friendship is about taking a stance and being that crutch when your friend needs it most. Friendship is not easy, in fact, it's rather hard. It's hard to be a good friend, it takes effort and time. It takes checking in on someone's mental health and it takes being shut down when your friend is not in a position to talk or has a desire to do so. Friendship is about taking your friend at their absolute worst and trying to understand their pain and be there for them in the capacity they need you at the material time. Friendship is not always 50/50. Somedays, it won't even be 70/30 and that is totally okay. The point of being a friend is to be there no matter what.


I'm grateful for the fact that I have someone in my life that does that sort of work as a friend to check in, to listen, to be there. I am grateful that she keeps me accountable, responsible, inspired and safe. I hope that when I eventually bring a man around her, HE will be worthy of meeting the person that has helped me strengthen the relationship I have with myself. I want her to be proud of me for finding someone that will foster the work she put in with me and someone who will be my friend the way she is.


If I didn't realize it before, I do now and that's the ultimate goal: to find someone to love that is worthy of meeting Teja.


 
 

WE SAY THE THINGS WE FEEL AND FEEL THE THINGS WE SAY

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