A good kind of cry

The other night I cried for the first time in a really long time. I generally do not cry very much as I usually think with my brain more than my heart. Thinking more with your brain allows you to be able to distinguish the effects of crying and usually deters it from happening. The other night I cried. I cried with my heart.

It was an irrational type of cry after I took part in a conversation that went way over my head and it frustrated me. I assumed the worst and overthought the whole situation. It is very common to do so because the heat of the moment gets the worst out of everyone.

Before I could have time to rationally think through the situation, I felt tears streaming down my face. I fought them back quickly and kept telling myself "mama ain't raise no b....". I could not stop.

Here's the thing.. I totally had absolutely zero reason to cry. The conversation was not at all negative, it was just a reality check. It was not supposed to hurt me by any means, but I, the over thinking giant that I am, of course, I took it the wrong way.

And so I cried. I cried for a couple a seconds, followed by a couple of minutes.

I took a break, tried to think, which reminded me of the incident all over again.

And so I cried again.

I cried because I felt the need to cry.

I cried myself to sleep.

The thing is, this is not supposed to be a sad thing or upset anyone. Sometimes it is healthy to have a crying session. It allows for release.

The following day, I was scrolling through instagram and stumbled across a post. It read:

"Crying has a natural analgesic that stimulates the production of endorphins, our body's natural pain killer and 'feel good' hormones"

Interestingly enough, I was feeling better.

I guess my point is that you should cry if you feel the need to. I personally do not ever do it in public (that is related to the power I try to showcase on the exterior) but by no means does it ever mean that I do not ever cry.

Cry.

Gratitude

I stumbled across an interesting question that gave me some blog writing inspo

"What are you grateful for today?"

I have told myself that I will start reflecting on gratitude more this year and so this question seems to have entered my life around the right time.

Today I am grateful for me. Yes, that is right, me.

I am grateful for the person I am the amount of strength I hold as a single individual on an emotional, spiritual and physical level. I have been through a lot over the past few years and I have come out stronger than ever. I can honestly say that I have rarely thought about giving up because I am generally the type of person that goes through with whatever I put myself up to. I have failed. Oh boy, you do not even know how bad I have failed. Not just once.

But I got back up. What is life if we give up after every unpleasant experience or after every moment we spend upset? I am grateful for me because I rose above the hardship and held my chin up high no matter the situation. I am grateful for me because I loved despite not being loved back and I have helped despite not being offered a helping hand.

What are you grateful for?

Big city dreaming

I always talk about Toronto and how much my life has changed since I moved here last year. It was a huge step I made and it truly changed everything. I had this burning desire to make it here and to do it on my terms in order to ensure that I would be successful at what I was doing. I planned, I talked to people, I got myself informed. I dipped my feet in the water before I fully dove. I knew it wouldn't be an easy thing to do and I was fully accepting of that. I hoped it would be hard to some extent just so I can learn to be responsible and learn to take care of myself.

Some days were hard, some days I cried, and then eventually I made a breakthrough. I made it where I wanted in terms of a job, I made friends and I started living the life I was chasing. They say that what goes up must always come down too. I fell into some messy romantic affairs, but I moved forward. This year, I focused on re-establishing myself in the city I love. All that happened did not change my love for the city.

I took a break in April and went back home to my family and got myself together. I planned for the future and where I wanted to end up. I eventually came back to Toronto in June and picked up where I left off. I built a solid relationship with my roommate and we started a communal journey of exploring what the city can give us.

And yet, as much as the city can give you, you must have a strong enough character to face what the city can take away from you. The same way that the city makes you, it can also break you.

Toronto is not like home. People come and go and these connections that I am chasing feel so superficial in a city like this. At home I have friends that have been in my life for a decade and here I can barely keep one for a year. A lot of the friendships here are for clout and pictures and not for the true meaning of it. You get replaced quicker and there's a certain degree of FOMO that starts building up whenever you think about what the people at home are doing and how they're advancing their life without you while you scramble to make it work.

A lot of the people I meet here tell me that some of their closest friends are people they met just months before. I didn't pay much attention to it before because I just thought that it must be easy to make friends in a city that big and that populated. In reality, it is so hard. Sometimes a city that big and that populated is also cold and absent.

But none of this is the end of the world. Toronto remains Toronto. People either go big or they go home (literally). I was always scared of that. I was scared that I would finally make it here and it would be so hard that I would eventually move back home. I don't think I am intimidated like that yet. I feel like no hit has been that big to make me leave. Just a rough patch in the road but we move strong and we move forward.