Pura vida

I often find myself day-dreaming about all of the life I still have yet to live. I have been fortunate enough to live a very full life to date and that part sits pretty in my brain. That being said, I still have so much more that I want to do and see and experience.

I was doing some research the other day for a trip that I intend to take later on this year to Central America. Specifically, I really want to spend a few days in Costa Rica. I'm not sure if any of you have ever felt this way before or if it's a silly thought to have in general, but, have you ever wanted to avoid a place simply because you know that its beauty will ultimately break your heart?

I feel that way about Costa Rica. I know a handful of people who have been there and I swear they come back changed. That "pura vida" lifestyle is really just so endearing to me. I am afraid though that I will love it so much to the point that my heart will just yearn to return over and over. Not that it's a bad thing, but it's like that long distance relationship where you yearn to see your significant other so bad, that your day-to-day without them feels meaningless. Okay that sounds dramatic but you know what I mean? There are places in the world that are this beautiful and people live life there everyday. How are you supposed to return to the banalities of your day-to-day when you know something like that exists and you have now experienced it?

There are a few places I feel that way about already and every single time I come across a tiktok or a picture of those places, I fully turn my memory back to what my life was like when I was there. Barcelona, Faro, Amsterdam, New York City to name a few. They're those special kind of places where life just stops for the few days you are there and you just feel everything all at once. I still feel that way about Toronto too. Particularly, on those summer days when you lay on a blanket under the sun in Trinity Bellwoods, or those rooftop drinks while you can hear the city below you. The baseball games and street dogs at the end of a night, and the beach days where you feel the city come together to enjoy life under the sun. I too live in one of those special places.

As I sit here looking out at the rainy day, I can't help but feel my heart get excited for the sunny days in the city. The friends, concerts and festivals. I really am grateful for this life I am so lucky to live.

I watched a video not too long ago where a girl was simply sharing her gratitude for the mundane. The toast she got to eat in the morning, the couch in her apartment where she drank her coffee. The fact she even was fortunate enough to have a couch and an apartment and the peace and quiet of living on her own.

I smile because I too have so much to show gratitude towards.

Thank you for reading my words and as always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.

Devoid of amore

I have been sick for the last four or so days. I've spent a lot of time alone, in unwavering solitude and to be quite honest, I haven't thought about much. To also be fair, I was pretty heavily medicated, to the point where I spent this alone time mostly sleeping. I'd say that outside of needing it because I was sick, I also needed to catch up on sleep after spending ten beautiful days on my favourite continent - Europe. Travelling through five countries in the span of ten days is really a challenge and no wonder why my body eventually shut down. It was worth it though.

My nose is still stuffy and I've only been outside today for the purpose of getting some groceries and a car wash. My car was covered in dust after sitting in the garage for nearly two weeks without use. I feel the sun shine on my face through the window as I type and I really wish I felt better so that I could have at the very least gone by the lake and enjoyed it. Anywhere would feel better than the rotting I have been doing in my apartment for the last four days.

I know I usually hit you guys with a travel diary blog post after one of my trips, but I really don't know if I could do justice to the beauty I encountered while away. Simultaneously, I took a rather lengthy break from writing even before that and I feel as though my words just don't suffice right now. I know you have been wondering when I would write again and I do see some of you check in every so often with the slight hope that I may have posted some words. I know that there is a handful of you who enjoy these little blurbs and you come back time and time again to read my work. I appreciate you all for it.

I am not here to write about my travels, maybe one day I will again. I'm sure that I perhaps will sprinkle some of those memories into the entries that I promise I will make more of an effort to start writing again. Instead, I'm here to complain - frankly, one of the few things I enjoy writing about.

I randomly thought about an old friend yesterday. He was in my life actively only briefly, but as the years went on, we still sent each other a message here and there. Upon thinking about him, I opened our last conversation and realized that it had been three years since our last encounter. While thinking that I have no idea where the time had gone, I remembered that he got married in the meantime and I think that to some extent, there is a bit of an invisible boundary that I tend to respect with male friends when they enter serious relationships. I don't message them as freely anymore- even if our friendship had been strictly always platonic. I guess I always tend to think about their partner more so than anything. And so usually, I keep the messages to the bare minimums of "congratulations" and "happy birthday"- mostly for occasions, rather than the "hey, how have you been? let's get a coffee sometime and catch up". You know what I mean?

I ended up messaging him to simply say that a product I purchased reminded me of him and that I hope he is doing well in life. Simple enough but also thoughtful. To my surprise, he invited a conversation about what was new, where I had been, what was going on with my life. After a brief exchange of formalities, he also hit me with the love life question and whether there was a special someone in my life. I've come to dread this question the more it gets asked and usually, I come up with some silly joke that shuts down the follow-up questions. This time though, I figured I might as well be candid - "I guess I have been unlucky in love". A truth nonetheless.

He was great in saying that the love will come to me eventually because I am deserving of it. It felt nice to hear - or read rather. Now, I'm gonna blame the rest of what I am about to write on the fact that I am nearing my time of the month and my emotions are amplified. I really don't think that I ever quite said out loud that I feel like I have been unlucky in love. Like what the fuck does that even mean. Who the fuck even admits that out loud?

But it's the truth. I guess that love just comes easier to other people. Maybe they are easier to love or love in such a way that it's just easy. I don't really know how that feels. Realistically speaking, I've been in two (semi) serious relationships in my entire life and they each had an expiry date of about a year and a half - give or take with that talking period. The rest were flings, fleeting romances, or talking stages that never quite moved on to be more. I'd like to think that I wasn't really the one at fault in most of these but I really don't know if I was the one lacking the element that makes a relationship last.

While I am not really actively seeking a partner or a relationship at the moment, I also have really never had a drier roster. I literally am not talking to a n y o n e. I guess that with age, I started being even more picky than before. There are things I look for before I even accept to go on a first date and that has been the demise of most interactions. While I used to wear my heart on my sleeve before and was the hopeless romantic in any friend group, lately, I feel more so devoid of emotions. But like I said, I am not actively looking to find someone so that likely plays a role in it.

All in the same token, even when I do have a guy in my dms looking for a "chance" they more often than not are looking to sleep with me, rather than anything having to do with a more substantial connection. It gets old and I literally am getting older.

So yes, to some extent I have been feeling unlucky in love as of late. It's been a while since my eyes have sparkled at a gesture of love and even longer since I felt like I wanted someone around for longer than a night. That's no one's fault really, but I just want to complain about it for a brief moment. Let these sentences write themselves and then I'll be done. I will crumple these thoughts into the same dark dungeon they came from and once I put the lock on, we move on.

The reality is that I do believe that I am deserving of love. I've seen it happen once or twice when someone's eyes sparkled at the thought of me. The way I was looked at was as if I was the most precious human being on earth. While I long to look at someone look at me that way again, I am content with where I am at now and I know that in the end, I will live a full life with or without that unwavering devotion from another human being.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.

Enjoy being in the process of becoming

It was about 5 years ago that I got really itchy about my life, pretty close in the timeline to where I am at today. I was waiting for a decision to come in that would shape my future. I was waiting to see if Toronto was in the books for me and if I really was on the verge of moving there. In the meantime, I was working my butt off to get enough money to (potentially) move and I shut the world out.

I quickly became disassociated and lonely. I am a person that loves human interaction and connection, and choosing my goals meant that I needed to weed out what was not necessary, give it up, because I was ultimately on a much more important journey. It's a weird phase in my life that I honestly barely even remember because all I did was grind it out. I was working 3 jobs at the same time, seeing friends very rarely, and I most definitely did not want to get attached to anyone because the goal was to move to Toronto.

I'll never forget the day that email came in while I was taking a bubble bath. You might think that sounds glamorous but I remember being on the verge of tears stepping into that tub because my body ached so badly. I needed to just soak in hot water and have a half hour where I let my body unwind. I was working back to back morning breakfast shifts as a server, weekends bartending weddings and days in the library. Nothing about my lifestyle was glamorous.

Reading that email made me feel good though, as if I finally had something to show for the amount of sweat and tears I was putting into the grind. I'll never forget the day that another server at the restaurant finished her shift just as a large influx of people was coming in and she was about to leave me alone to tend to all of those people. I quickly got overwhelmed and somehow spilled burning hot gravy all over my hand while holding three plates of food. I wasn't even allowed to cry until I set those plates down in front of each of those waiting customers. That other server stayed for a total of ten extra minutes so that I could ice my hand and have a cry in the kitchen.

I don't remember much else from that period of time. Nothing really stands out to me. I was working so much that I couldn't even tell you if I was at any point having any fun. To be completely fair though, if I had a night out, I was probably blacked out so that I could forget the monotony of my every day life. I regret that now though.

I hate to be grim but imagine I died during that time. Imagine that in my last days, I was on a streak of 42 days of not having a single pinch of fun. I was still in my early to mid twenties and my life had become monotonous. The thought of that sent a chill down my spine.

You don't have to be happy every day. You don't even have to be content every day, but to let your life pass you by is simply a shame. I know we shouldn't glorify living life with no inhibitions, but glorifying the grind and making our whole life about it doesn't sit well with me either. I know balance is good, but that also makes me think of your typical 9-5 type of life.

I'm well on my way to making a pretty big life change and that's been on my mind a lot. To some extent, I'm grinding and I'm doing so pretty hard. That's also why you haven't heard from me much. On the other hand, I am trying to tell myself that it's okay to have nights off, nights out and to make memories that will last me a lifetime. It's okay to work hard but to also enjoy it. I don't want to revisit that place again of living the same exact day every single day.

Nobody said it would be easy because if it was, everyone would be doing it. I have to remind myself that the people that are generally successful, are those that know to put in the work, to not give up and to always strive for more. I want to be like that small percentile of people that just makes it. Although I am now in my late twenties with a big decision to pursue that will quite frankly send me right back to my early twenties, I know that the small percentile of successful people would do exactly what I intend to. F the societal standards and just go for it. Why the heck not? I don't want to wake up one day wondering what would have happened if only I had taken the chance, if only I had said yes.

I'll try to be in touch soon but until then, thanks as always for coming to my Cez talk xo.