I want to be alike a pomegranate

Unassuming to the plain eye, overlooked in most instances. How good could it possibly be? Someone takes on the challenge, they cut into it. Dozens of pockets that need to be carefully dissected, one by one. Hundreds of red juicy seeds fall. It takes a while to fully get through a whole pomegranate, to take all the seeds out. It takes patience and attentiveness. It takes a careful touch. If you rush, you'll end up with a blood bath of red juice splattered everywhere. You might crush some of the precious seeds. It takes someone special to work through the intricacies of the pomegranate.

Of course you can buy it pre-peeled at the store too. But it's not the same. You pay more for way less. Getting to just eat it right away is not nearly as satisfying as when you spend too much time trying to peel it all apart. When your red-stained fingers can finally enjoy the fruit of their labour.

I want to be alike a pomegranate. I want to just sit there quietly waiting for my turn and I want to know that when the right person comes along and picks me up, that person will just take their time with me. He'll just dive into the intricacies of who I am with patience, desire and care. He'll stick his fingers into the most obscure parts of my brain and unravel the story of me piece by piece, with love, understanding and a commitment to enjoying every part of me.

I've been taking a break from dating. Ever since the last romantic disaster where I yet again lost myself in the good and it yet again ended prematurely, I have said to myself that my heart can't keep on doing this. I've been taking my time with the healing process. I still think about that daily (okay maybe several times a day). I guess that's the hardest part about not going back to dating. You keep replaying the past because you are not allowing someone else to distract you in the present moment. It's both good and bad. Most days I am tempted to send a text that asks for some sort of reconciliation. I know I shouldn't and I won't break that boundary but I still think about it.

I signed up for dancing classes last week and that's been a neat little winter hobby for me to take on. I have been enjoying it quite a lot. I don't have a single dancing bone in my body and I look like a wall a lot of the time but I figured that it's definitely something to get me out of my comfort zone and trying something I otherwise would never think of trying. It is quite the workout too which I did not expect.

The last month has been quiet. I have been peeling away at my own layers of discontent and trying to analyze what I am unhappy with and what I need to work on. I've been trying to re-acquaint myself with myself. Look within, work on my diet, my mental health, my spiritual well-being. Who am I when I am by myself and what kind of person am I showing up as to those around me, be it platonic or romantic?

The purchase of my new car got me closer to myself than I have been in years. When I bought the Jetta in 2020, I was just starting out in Toronto. Broke, fresh out of school and barely making ends meet. I love the Jetta to this day but I knew that I was itching for more. A few months ago I had met someone who drove a realllllllllly sexy Benz. After sitting in his car a few times, I could feel the fire burning under me. It was like it re-awoke a part of me I had kept in the dark for the last few years. I will say that the last few years have indeed been more travel centric, but this was like a sign. Go get that car you really want Cez. And so I did and boy am I glad I did.

I think that while this is a rather superficial example, it was also a sign to me that I need to elevate in all areas of my life. Elevate in the way I date, in the way I carry myself, in the way I treat people and they treat me. No more scraps, no more second and third chances, no more begging to be seen or cared for. I aim to transcend into more. Bigger, better, more. I have often said that I have a desire to never plateau, but I never took that to heart on a more personal level. I plateau every time I accept less than I deserve. I plateau every time I ask to be treated in a particular way when that person has 0 desire to treat me that way to begin with. The words plateau and settling are interchangeable in this context.

And so, I no longer want that and want to be alike a pomegranate going forward. No one reaches for a pomegranate unless they are willing to put in the work to peel it and to get all the seeds out. They're a hard fruit to get to enjoy but those who are willing to put in the work, know damn well that those seeds are so worth it.

As always, thanks for coming to my Cez talk xo.