Let's talk about fears

Fears are often something that most people tend to keep to themselves because they do not want to show vulnerability or give someone the upper hand in a situation. I often tend to be that person myself. Why give someone the ammunition that could in turn be shot right at you? I get it, I really do.

Nonetheless, fear makes us human and puts things into perspective about the very person that we are.

I posted a piece a few days ago reflecting on my year and within that post I did not talk about fear. I did not talk about the many days I spent stressing or overthinking situations that I may or may not have had the ability to change. I did not for example, talk about when I gained that crush, how badly I feared it not working out because I would say the wrong thing before I even had the ability to meet him and defend my character in person. I do not talk about it now either although in some ways, that fear never left. We often focus on the days we enjoy and have good memories of, as opposed to dwell on the days we stressed out and that is also probably why fear was not covered within the post.

I did not talk about how much I wondered if I was wasting time and potential in my day-to-day life. Whether it was concerning my career, my overall happiness, my love life, my general future. I questioned on many occasions if I was happy. I questioned if I liked or even tolerated my job. I feared not doing or being enough.

Most of all, I feared and still do fear the potential that I am not on the right path, whatever that may be. I question every day whether or not I am doing the right thing or if it is enough. What is enough? What quantifies it?

A couple of friends of mine have recently come out of relationships that were pretty long. Some even moved to other places for their significant other and the relationships ultimately did not work out regardless. I think just what hit me hardest initially was the fact that this is happening to my friends around the holidays. I couldn't get it out of my head for a while.

I then thought about what trust means in a relationship. I remember a few years ago being absolutely anti long distance relationships. Like so anti them, I could not comprehend how somebody could just wait sometimes months at a time to see someone they love. I guess I have never quite been in love like that. I had this fear (and I probably still do) that if you are in a long distance relationship, you are technically living two different lives: you still go about your regular life doing whatever you do, and then you have your long distance relationship life. In your regular life, there is the potential of at any point, someone walking up to you and changing everything because ...well because they're there physically and your long distance partner is not. That seems scary to me.

But then, in retrospect, that could happen regardless of distance right? You could sleep with someone in the same bed every night and still not know what they do in their time away from you. In that sense, I guess that's where trust comes in. The reality is that you never really know anything for certain and that in itself is scary, but in some ways, you just have to have faith that it will either work out in the end, or be equipped for it not to. And that applies to just about everything, not just relationships.

You have to put your trust in the fact that whether it be your partner or whatever, that person chose you for a reason. That you play a pivotal role in whatever capacity that role is part of. The point is that you, your very existence is pivotal to something or someone.

If you could turn that fear to gratitude, I guess it would be better. You would learn to appreciate a job because you know your contribution was pivotal to the operation running, as opposed to fear if you were enough. You would learn to relish in the good moments of a relationship, as opposed to fear if the other will at some point walk away. You would learn to appreciate all that you do for you, as opposed to question if it is or you are enough.

But we are only human and fear is part of it too.. right?

End of year reflections

I have been wanting to write for a while and yet, I have been lacking the drive to convert my thoughts into typed words. Here I am mid-December, starting to think about just what this year really meant for me. An unprecedented year without a doubt. A year that has forced me at several points to just stop and reflect, plan, and adapt to the changing norms and expectations.

I remember January as if no time has passed at all. The clubs that my roommate and I would hit up almost every weekend without miss. The booths, the bottles and the endless shots that would be consumed in order to find a way to deal with the stresses that we were experiencing in our lives otherwise. It was a way to cope with whatever we had going on. If you drank enough, you could even totally forget about everything and end up in the hospital. That was my first trip to the hospital this year... except I was just there for company and not the one in a half coma.

Crazy to think that at this point in time, we were still encountering what we thought to be freedom. I guess it was but just in a different context than right now. But anyway...

Then came February and perhaps some of the darkest time I ever experienced in my life. Although in some aspects I was doing well, attending concerts, getting good grades in school, in other aspects, I was breaking day by day. In reflecting on this time, I guess it is safe to say that I often wear my heart on my sleeve and tend to see the best in people even if sometimes that is not necessarily the case. In February, I allowed my very self to become vulnerable to a toxic person. I'm surprised that I picked the most toxic of the bunch too given that in February, I had several options (not to toot my own horn or anything).

Looking back, I still question what I was thinking.

March was weird.. The first half was spent leading a relatively normal life wondering if this "virus" thing was even real or if it will affect me. The second half was even weirder because suddenly, the world was put on pause. My work sent me home, school entered a transition zone towards online classes, and all of the sudden, I went back to my parents' house and wondered what the heck I was supposed to do now. I began watching a lot of movies, eating ridiculous amounts of food, and prepared for finals in a world that felt like it was crumbling before my eyes.

Before I knew it, it was April and at this point, the whole world had gone into hyper-digital mode. School and hangouts had moved to an application called Zoom, dating had gone global, and I, was trying to heal from the trauma of the past few months. And then, something kind of unexpected happened. Someone randomly walked into my life in the most unassuming of ways (read "I like different" for more context on this) and I must say, it sort of shaped the way in which the rest of the year unfolded. It started off pretty innocent, thinking I had just come across someone who might be a cool person to travel with at some point in the future when the whole "pandemic thing" would blow over. Neither of us were really prepared for this to last. I guess that last statement is kind of two-fold also. By mid-April, I was talked into watching Game of Thrones so I kind of started doing that in between finishing off the school year and procrastinating the crap out of my life. I jumped on the existing trends with every other person who was bored in the house and in the house bored. By the end of April, my new friend had asked to go on a date when we're in the same location but I didn't think much of it at the time.

Spoiler alert, that changed entirely by the end of the year, but more on that to come.

May came around and I had returned back to work remotely. I was pulling 40 hour weeks in my parents' house and had taken up a new fitness hobby of Zumba. My new friend had joined me on a few classes as well. The staying at home thing was becoming the new normal. Masks became mandatory and my dreams of travelling this year were slowly becoming less and less of a possibility. By the end of May, I had long finished Game of Thrones and was developing a soft spot for my April friend. Talking to him had become routine and it was nice to have someone to just talk to. He complimented me every so often but I wasn't sure if that was just to be nice or if there was an interest there but I had started to ask those questions in my head.

In late May, I returned to my usual residence and my roommate. Although the pandemic was the new normal, being back in the city was a breath of fresh air. I visited the hospital again as a visitor (cough cough roommate) and together with my roommate, we began to build a new routine for ourselves.

June was my birthday month and also the one year anniversary since my move to the city. It was overall a big month for me. I was surrounded by friends and felt loved. My April friend was slowly transitioning into more and more of an interest to me. It had become routine to speak to him everyday and I felt weird if I didn't. He gave me a gift on my birthday and that's around the time that I began wondering if perhaps we were meant to be more than friends. At some point in June, I thought there might be a loophole for us to see each other in person and it had created some hope.

Come July, the world around me was in some ways returning back to normal. The office opened up again, I was going on a lot of outdoor adventures, and my roommate and I even went on a trip for a few days. I had regained my crave for adventure and felt alive. I may have been experiencing a crush at this point but I don't admit these things quite easily.

August was yet again one of those really good months. I was writing my final thesis and enjoying the life around me. Although it was advised against, I was seeing friends and trying to get the most that I could out of a summer that in some ways, was taken away from us.

September was huge. I went away to a cottage with my family and had about a week of reflection. I finished my paper and defended my position and graduated from yet another degree. At this point, I had a big flashing sign on my forehead that read "I have a giant crush on you" (my April friend). I also bought a car. Yep it was one of those wildly productive months.

September was also the month that I decided I was going to fly out and see this April friend. With the giant crush I had developed, it was something that needed to happen in the near future or I would run my head into a wall. I had never experienced anything like it. I've always found dating to be rather easy but perhaps that was because I have always dated locally and the most I would go without seeing my significant other would be like a week which in retrospect, is no time at all.

October was a step backwards towards restrictions and yet, I went on another trip . I then bought a plane ticket which freaked me out. I was starting to count down days. Halloween was spent with just my roommate, drunk facetiming friends. It was unusual but fun nonetheless.

And then November came and I met him. I honestly don't even remember November for any other reason. And wow, was the wait worth it. I guess my reflection on that is mostly relating to just how different my past experiences have been. Just how much my overall expectations had been stained by experiences I have had in the past. Just how little confidence I had in genuine kindness. I have no words for the time I had with him because words are just too ordinary to give it any justice. So I will just leave it at that.

I must admit, I got lost in all that I wrote because as I thought more and more about what this year has meant to me, I felt that the experiences must be outlined in order to give them some credit for occurring. One thing is for certain, there was definitely a highlight to this year and it started sometime in early April.

It is now December and the new year is creeping up. A fresh start as they call it. I am not sure if through these reflections, I create some sort of expectation for what is to come. I am not sure if I even want to think that far ahead.

It sure has been a year...

Words and more words

How do you quantify this feeling,

When words don’t say enough?

A desire so persistent,

My cheeks are burning up.

I feel it in my bones,

My stomach’s upside down,

How do I breathe,

When you’re not around?

The silk slips off my shoulder,

Your fingers trace my skin.

You feel just like a paint brush,

Leaving your mark of sin.

Is sinning even frowned upon,

When you are so angelic?

I raise my hand to answer,

But,

It is beyond words and movement,

The touch of your lips,

You are just like a movie,

My favourite ending indeed.