I remember about eleven years ago, I loved going to baseball games in the summer in my neighbourhood where a couple of guys that I went to elementary school with would play. I almost never had money for the nacho stand and when I did, I felt on top of the world. There was nothing better than being able to buy the snacks at the concession stand. It was such a juvenile feeling of exhilaration. I remember how hot those days were, the jumbo freezies, the sun setting while we would watch the games and hangout with the guys. Some of those moments pop into my head sometimes and remind me of a time in my life when things felt simply happy.
I am happy now too, but I feel like the pure ignorance of my younger self made it easier to enjoy those moments more because I was not thinking about the world around me.
Love is such a convoluted word because it can mean so many things to so many people and in so many circumstances. Those summer nights at the baseball games were a pure representation of a time I felt love in my life. Not for a person, but for life itself. I loved being out there with my friends, hanging out and causing a ruckus always.
Of course there is also love for my family which is something that I feel I grew up with and it is something that I often don't mention because it's just a natural feeling towards them. That's just what it is... love.
And then, I remember about six years ago, I felt a "first love" kind of love. The kind of love which at the time, feels like you could conquer the world. I had never felt anything like it before and I wanted it to last forever. He was nice to me and always took care of me, made sure I ate enough (bought me so much food I gained weight LOL). At the time, I thought that this was the kind of love that was worth fighting for, break down walls and devote myself fully. In trying to find the right words to express how I feel now and I have to say that I don't regret any of what happened with my first love. He wasn't perfect but none of us are. He did hurt me at various points in our relationship, but he also made amends down the line and expressed his regret for many of his actions. I simultaneously was inexperienced and lost myself within that relationship. I wanted to do everything in my power to make sure that he understood my devotion to him and I forgot to live for myself in the meantime. I turned into that one girlfriend whose schedule depended entirely on his availability because I was so deeply 'in love' that I took every opportunity to hangout with him if he showed interest in hanging out with me.
I never wronged him but I was wronging myself in being that person. In reality, I was bored because I was only in school at the time and did not have a job or a hobby to keep me occupied so I occupied my free time with annoying him. In the end, the breakup was as amicable as it could be given the circumstances that I felt like my world was shattering. My "first love self" thought that I would be with him forever.
Looking back at that now, I realize that it was just one of the motions that I was supposed to go through at some point in my life. That first love that consumes you and teaches you the most important lessons about who you are supposed to be going forward. Of course I had a reality check after that relationship. I rekindled friendships with people in my life that I had pushed to the sidelines while in a relationship. I worked on bringing my grades up in school because I was neglecting that while wanting to be with him as much as possible and school was not nearly as important. I risked not being accepted in my Master's program because for a full year, my grades were not what they were supposed to be.
I worked on myself and my success for a long time afterwards. I was deeply hurt because I thought that love would last forever, but as time passed, I realized that my first love was not perfect. There was a lot of hurt and deceit. A lot of manipulation and gaslighting. A lot of juvenile actions on both of our behalves. We did not know how to love at the time.
I haven't been in a true "relationship" since (I guess until just recently). Over the last five years, I have had romantic interests and what people now call "situationships". I have felt love since, but in weird ways. I once fell for my best friend who is now no longer in my life. I also fell for a "right person, wrong time" guy. I also took time to discover myself and my needs in what would be my next relationship.
It's weird to think that five years have passed since my first love because it feels like the last five years have come and gone in an instant. I felt a lot of love in the meantime. I loved places, friends and moments.
Four years ago, I went on a trip by myself for three months. During that trip, my intention was to discover my past and understand who I am as a person. I remember spending a day with a dear friend of mine in London, England who I had a major crush on at the time. He liked me too and I still think about how magical that day was. It was one of those scenes in the movies where Lizzie McGuire runs into a cute boy and has the craziest most awesome day with him. I did that too except I was in London and not Rome hahaha. He was incredible and I was forever upset that I had to leave and could not stay.
The point in all of this reminiscing is that I had so many foundational moments of love that led me towards what would eventually be my realization that I am IN love right now at this very moment. I don't think it is a juvenile feeling anymore and rather, I think I understand what real adult love is supposed to feel like. I think I had an idea of this sort in my head at some point in my life, of the things I hope to experience in love, but I never knew if I would ever come to experience them as such.
It's true what they say that love will come to you at the right moment in time, when you are ready to receive it and give it back in the most selfless of ways. It's also true that this sort of love, you know it before you even admit it to yourself.
In April of last year, in the most unexpected of ways during a global pandemic (which btw is still not fricken gone), I started talking to a guy who is just as much of a travel junkie as I'd love to be one day. Last night, he told me that he felt love towards me very soon after we initially started talking. I want to say that in my heart of hearts, I also felt the same. I knew I loved talking to him and having him around day in and out. I also was SO committed to wanting to travel wit him one day. I'm not sure why, but I just put my full trust in the idea that he would stay in my life for a while. Simultaneously, I was cautious because I had just ended a very dark time in my life so a part of me took it all very light-heartedly and most things were me talking out of my ass at first.
It wasn't long after that I told one of my best friends that I can see myself being with him. I never used the word "love" except in jokes, but I think all of my actions relating to him were pointing at one simple word: love.
A show I was watching a few weeks ago, had a scene where the guy was asked if he had ever been in love. He responded with yes, but in the way he thought love was supposed to be at the time. That really stood with me because I had once told my now partner that I had loved before but never been in love and I don't think I was right in saying that. I definitely have experienced a sense of being "in love" at some point in my life. The only difference between then and now is how and what I perceive love to be. During my first love, I was "in love" and that's still valid. However, since then, I think my idea of love and the feeling of being "in love" has evolved and has brought me to my present-day appreciation of the feeling.
I most certainly can say that I am in love now and I feel love in abundance. I have never received this sort of love before and a part of me is afraid that I am not giving it all of the credit that I should. In reality, it is SO hard to put this feeling into words. What word is good enough for such a euphoric state?
Fricken love eh.