I'm inconsistent, I know

I am the type of person to get super excited for something for a solid minute and drop it entirely the next. I will make this whole intricate plan in my head and think a million steps ahead and a week later, I will lose sight of that plan. I'm inconsistent and I guess I have to accept some hard truths.

A little while ago, I had this grandiose plan of taking my blog to the next level and turning it into a paid platform. The moment that plan started gaining some traction because I was well on my way to creating content around it, preparing for the launch, etc., it all became a chore, more so like a job than something I did for my own enjoyment. That's always been my hard limit with writing. I told myself after the book that if I ever feel like writing is becoming tedious again, I will take a break and allow it to flow into my life naturally again. Writing is my outlet to creativity and self-expression and if I can't write, a big mumbo jumbo of thoughts occupies way too much space in my brain and it quite frankly can be crippling.

And so, despite the public demand for the content, whether paid or unpaid, I felt it was necessary to give myself the reset I needed. So I stepped away for a bit.

I don't like it when the joy gets taken out of the activities I enjoy doing. I already work hard enough at my actual job, I don't want something that I consider a passion to also turn into a job. So i guess that if we want to call that inconsistence, so be it. I'd rather protect this small little joyful passion of mine to share when I am ready, on my own terms.

If I can provide some words to you all, I'd like for you to stay aware of the things that bring you joy and make sure not to overdo it. Everything has a limit, even when you enjoy it. It's like absolutely loving cheesecake and choosing to have it for every meal - probably not the best idea. If you need to take a break to let yourself be reminded as to why you liked that thing (or cheesecake) in the first place, then do it. At the end of the day, you are responsible for your own happiness in whatever form that may take.

I'll talk to you guys soon hopefully. I think about writing more and more these days.

Changing direction

Well friends, I have a confession to make.

As someone who is constantly nagging you guys to take ownership over your life and do things for yourself and chase your goals and all of that inspirational bs, I have to admit that I haven't been doing a whole lot of that as of late.

I keep thinking to myself that things will just work out one way or another and what is meant for me will make its way into my life. While that is true and I do believe that, I was faced with a cold truth last week. I was talking to someone and complaining about how there's a lot I want to do to elevate this blog, my platform of influence and when it comes to content creation. I stopped creating content relating to my platform sometime in 2021 and never picked it up again. I felt burnt out from writing and publishing my book and gave up on all other aspects of content creation for a good chunk of time. I kept thinking that an opportunity will just fall into my lap if I manifest it hard enough. I know how silly this sounds, trust me. I never really came out of that funk and instead, I complained that things were not working out, that I wasn't getting the attention that my work deserved, so on. I kept doing that until last week when my friend told me something that I now look at it with different lenses.

He said "well Cez, how do you think you'll reach your goals if you don't put any work into it? It's usually not enough to simply want it bad enough. Most times, you also have to work for it in order for it to come to fruition. You have the ambition and drive and that's half of it. Now, you just have to dedicate some time to making it work. I know you don't want to work more than you already do and yes, it's true you work a lot, but how do you think people with goals get to the finish line? They may have to put in a couple hours on the weekends to see those goals develop. So yes, sometimes you might have to work on a Sunday and that's okay because you know who you're doing this for? You."

I know he said nothing really that is revolutionary or that I didn't already know, but, you know what else he also told me without actually telling me? I was living in La La land.

Of course I have to work and I don't know why I was under this strange impression that eventually it would just happen and my dreams would come to life.

And so, long story short, I will be doing just that and I wanted you guys to know first. As of June 9, my blog will be changing direction a little bit in order to better align with my existing goals. I have been wanting to steer away from the content that I currently put out for a while now and I think that time has come. Let me explain this.

As you all know, my blog has always been super intimate and catered towards lived experiences that would relate to other people. I have let you all read about highs and lows despite not knowing who in particular was reading. I essentially always have put my life on full blast and if anyone ever cared to read about it, they'd learn a thing or two about who I am and how I think.

While I have appreciated this close knit relationship with all of you over the past 5 years, it is time to close in and focus more so on those who are here because they want to read my content, and less so on the people who come onto my blog to gain insight on what I am doing and with whom. I love to write and put my work out there and I want to ensure that I am writing for my own community and forming a relationship with those who appreciate and value my words. I don't want to change my niche and in order to continue to put out exactly what I want, this change is becoming necessary more so from a professional standpoint.

Starting June 9, the majority of my blog will become a paid subscription. I am still working out the logistics of that, but, the intention is as follows: my current blog will remain as is, and new posts will still be free- for the abstract. After about a paragraph or two, you will have the option to read the full thing on the subscription if you so should choose. The paid subscription will be called "Coffee with Cez" and every week, I will put out a lengthy post, similar to my current work. This new segment will be juicier, more intimate, more private. I will essentially not hold back. I would say that I currently keep my writing very pg because I want my platforms to speak on my professionalism and less on what I do with my time after hours.

Coffee with Cez will be $1 per week. Realistically you spend more on a coffee weekly so I aim to retain my current following and continue building it up by giving you all a platform that is super accessible and affordable.

This is the current plan. I haven't worked out the entirety of the logistics yet, but I wanted you all to know that I hope you stick around and continue to be here as I work hard to turn my dreams into reality. I really look forward to continue to share and develop my work and give you all the content that you have supported and read for the few years I have been creating and sharing with you all.

If you're still reading, let me know what you think of this. I want to take into account the feedback of those who are reading. It is a big change for me too and I want to make sure that it is a seamless and easy as possible.

Would you continue to read for $1/week?

Stepping out into the world

I haven't done this before so I'm a little overwhelmed but here we go. I told myself I would work on being more social this year and put myself in environments that I have always wanted to be in, but feared taking those steps towards such thing. It will honestly sound silly when I tell you what I pushed myself to do cause in retrospect, it really isn't hard at all but I guess that it kind of is when you have never done it before.

I've lived in a residential area of Toronto since I've moved here nearly four years ago. I have never changed apartments and my street only has two buildings including mine and the rest is all houses with a giant park with trails at the end of the street. It was the closest thing to home that I could get and while I hated it when I first moved there because I wanted the hustle and bustle of downtown Toronto, now, I appreciate it for everything it is reminiscent of. However, while I love where I live, it is largely isolated from the hustle and bustle and there's a total of one real café in walking distance from me, if I don't count the mall which isn't really the cute cozy café vibe I would ultimately be interested in.

I have been in dozens, if not hundreds of cafes in my lifetime. Almost always, I will see a person sitting down and either reading a book or working away on their laptop in whichever café I choose to go to. It's something that is normal.. to see people doing that and yet, it has never really been something I engaged in myself. In recent weeks, as I have been working on this whole "figure out how to be more social" thing, I realized that my Sundays are usually reset days and I typically will use Sundays for getting groceries, doing chores around the house, or simply to relax with a book in my hand. Sundays are also rather isolating because I will generally do all of the above on my own. I will sometimes spend hours on a Sunday just reading my book in the comfort of my own apartment, my own bed, with my own blankets.

While that may sound relaxing and quite frankly it is, Sundays alone also defeat my whole purpose of trying to get out there more. I have plenty time to be alone, that's not really the problem, but I really shouldn't take one of the only days a week that I have fully off, to be entirely alone. I can divide any of my chores up to do a few every day of the week and not leave anything to Sunday so I have no real reason to be home. I can relax for half of the day Sunday and do something for the other half. Why am I often so hung up in my own ways?

And so, this past Sunday, I decided to check out a café in an effort to escape my own self-sabotaging ways. I love being alone but I also love to be surrounded by people, interact, or simply have the ability to people watch and overhear conversations. I love the smell of coffee constantly being brewed, the sound of the milk frother. It's all so simplistic and yet so satisfying. I drove down to a café I found online that's in midtown but the perfect part of midtown where street parking is free. I parked my car and walked over and before I entered the café, I took a deep breath and in my mind somewhere, I said to myself "you got this".

I get so mad at myself sometimes because as soon as I sat down with my book, coffee and scone, I was immediately like "well that was easy" and I hate that I've gotten to a point where these things give me mild anxiety but in reality, this is so normal and easy and so many people do it and I just don't get why I let myself get so worked up about these things. I have eaten in dozens of restaurants by myself without giving it a second thought so why is this any different?

In trying to rationalize all of this, I will say that when you do something for the first time, it's probably normal to have a little bit of anticipation anxiety because that new thing I did was the unknown, even if it is a super mundane thing to do. Now having done it, I want to do it more often and I am even excited for the next time. While I was there, I kept thinking how cool it would've been to bring my laptop and write a blog entry about everything I was experiencing in the moment, in an authentic way. Now having done it, I know how to prepare better for next time. I know to bring my laptop, my journal and my book.

Doing something for the first time can be a scary experience even if in retrospect it is something that shouldn't be scary. The unknown can be unnerving and it's okay to get anxiety over it. Give yourself grace for taking that first step, no matter how silly it may be. If it helps you grow as a person, it was probably worth it.