Feels

Feelings are weird am I right?

One day you feel free, at ease, with nothing to worry about.

The next day you feel like you are drowning, stressed, anxious.

A different day you might feel butterflies in your stomach all day long.

And this, could literally happen over the course of three days.

Trust me it can. I experienced it myself. The crazy thing is, what do you do when you feel so much that you cannot explain it? As if you need to let it all out but do not know how. What do you do then? You cannot just tell a friend. No. They were not there. They do not know exactly what you saw, heard, interpreted and felt in that moment you are trying so hard to piece back together for them. It just is not the same.

Do you write it all down? But even that is not all it is made up to be. Do you sing a song about it? And what if people get it wrong?

Feelings are weird. You one day feel nothing and then everything all at once. How do you explain that? Love? Anger? Pain? Loss? Happiness? Pure despair?

How can you explain it all?

And yet, as I am writing this, I keep telling myself that perhaps this form of journaling is the better of ways to express. Simultaneously, I do not feel like I am doing my thoughts justice. It is as if when you try to put it into words, there are not enough words to explain it - to hold said emotion on the highest pedestal.

Feelings are weird

I like different

A few months ago I had the pleasure of stumbling upon somebody that sparked something in me.

Let me make that completely clear. I feel like in today's age, getting to know someone is such a mediocre fill-in-the-blank type of process and I absolutely hate it. I hate predictable and I hate the usual get to know you, flirt a bit and eventually hangout, hookup, etc.

Funny enough I virtually stumbled upon this individual in Madrid. Neither of us were in Madrid at the time but the concept is kind of cool (long story).

What I liked and really drew me to the conversation is that for the first few hours of the conversation, he asked almost nothing about me. None of the usual, where are you from, what do you do for work/school and mediocre stuff that everyone and their mother asks.

We talked about travelling and travel stories, about food and drinks and dreams and aspirations and things that we love. What is weird is that I knew almost nothing about him. I did not pay any attention to his age, location, or what he did for work or school. Quite frankly, I did not even care.

It was so refreshing to have a conversation that did not bore me to death. Instead, it was "elating" (I know he will smile when he reads this).

At one point we exchanged voice notes. I typically HATE (and i mean HATE) talking on the phone unless I have to and I hate when conversing with someone takes too much effort (such as having to listen to a voice note). For some reason, I did not mind it. I think the weirder part is that I was really focusing on his voice. I remember the first few words I heard, I was almost surprised that he sounded the way he did.

Think about it... have you met someone online and wondered what their voice sounded like? I typically could care less. BUT.

I remember thinking he had a terribly pleasant voice. It was stern and deep but also gentle. I do not think I ever quite paid so much attention to such a thing but it felt so ...intimate..for lack of better words. Here I was, sharing a conversation with someone whom I know nothing about and giggling and it felt just more intimate than some in-person moments. It truly was different.

My point is this: we as humans (my generation at least) have gotten so good at becoming simplistic in the ways in which we communicate. We forget to use big words that hold meaning because we are so quick to want to get the "get-to-know-you" stage out of the way and move on to the more serious in-person stuff. We forget to really find out what lights a person's soul up because we care more about the physical. We forget to really learn about each other and communicate in ways that can really make you want to jump in a car or a plane and go see the person face-to-face. We forget to be different..

Be fucking different. You might like it.

Everyone is going through something

Not too long ago I had a sort of revelation. It was of mild importance but it really got to me. I do not generally share much about myself with the public despite being a very open person. Sometimes it is about etiquette and knowing when to say what.

But stuff happens and lately a lot of news have come to my attention. People I know. People I generally relate to. They all look happy and as if their life is perfectly content. They all have those smiling instagram pictures and put on a facade on social media.

And yet, somehow, a lot of these people are miserable.

Maybe they hate their job. Maybe they are having trouble at home. Maybe their relationship is no longer working. Yet, they all make it seem like those things are not happening. They still post pictures with their significant other captioning it "I love my boo" right after they had gotten in a really nasty argument. Or they still show off their expensive clothing on social media, despite being thousands of dollars in debt.

While I do not condone it, it is something that happens. Maybe they post out of fear of being judged or maybe because social media status really means something to them. But that is not the point.

The point is, everyone is going through something. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. It may be as insignificant as not wanting to admit to yourself that your life is not perfect, and as serious as well...other things. We never really know what someone is going through unless we ask. And then when we do, and find out what has actually been going on, we think boy, was I ever fooled?

We have gotten real good at hiding behind our phones and computer screens and showing one thing when in fact we feel another. And quite frankly, that is scary. That this fake happiness has become a chameleon in our own lives. That we hide behind the truth.

It is a shame because there are people out there who really need someone to talk to but hide behind a fake state of euphoria. How can we help someone if we do not know what they are in fact going through?

I guess it really is just food for thought.