Seek discomfort

Last summer I had a visitor. Someone I would not generally hangout with and someone who had not been entirely present in my life until that point in time. Part of it was spontaneity and another part was indulgence. Or so I thought.

To be completely honest, I had not put much thought into it. I kind of went with the flow and did not really take into account what this might mean... if anything. I just thought that it might be nice to see a friendly face in the city given that I did not have many friends yet.

And so said visitor came over to my new apartment in my new city and instantly I felt as if even though we are not one and the same, our chemistry was good. We shared a lot of knowledge throughout the weekend and one thing in particular stood out to me. One of the pieces of knowledge shared with me was about "the yes theory" and the belief in seeking discomfort. As it was explained, I got to understand that while spontaneity plays a huge part in our decisions, it is overcoming the fear of the unknown that is actually leading us towards making certain decisions.

For example, even though me and said visitor had no particular history at all, he drove five hours to me just to hangout for a few days. Realistically speaking, he could have done anything else, but he chose the one thing that was making him uncomfortable and he went through with it. In the end, it turned out to be a decision that was for the best. A new friendship was created, alongside a stream of memories.

Seeking discomfort is literally just the overcoming of fears. Previous judgements of a particular experience being diminished.

Seek discomfort. Conquer your fears. Say yes.

The Upside of Quitting

Somebody once told me that there are actual benefits to quitting. Quitting a job, a task, a stress in your life. Quitting for the moment or in the long run.

Quitting school, a relationship, or a habit whether healthy or unhealthy.

This kind of got me thinking.

We are usually taught that quitting is not the answer. It is the action of the weak and it rarely produces positive outcomes. We are taught that quitting is not something to flaunt because it is as if we had given up on ourselves and the very notion of succeeding at a given task.

However, that somebody told me today that there is nothing wrong with quitting. Why go on performing a certain task if you are not receiving positive results or at least the results you wanted?

Say you have a job. A job that pays well but you absolutely hate it. You hate it so much that every night you come home, you contemplate why you keep returning to it day in and out. It stresses you out and you just want to be done with it.

So why not quit? There are so many opportunities out there. Sometimes the pay does not make up for the agony in your life that your job creates. This actually happened to me recently. I was contemplating quitting a job because I hated it. It was a rather prestigious role and I should be thankful that I had gotten it in the first place. I hated it so much that I wanted to not only quit, but get a different job in a role that has absolutely nothing to do with my educational background and would put me significantly below my pay grade. I did not know what to do and I ended up talking to my boss. He urged me not to quit, but instead restructure my position in a way that would determine me to stay and be happy. I ended up staying but sometimes I still wonder if I truly love my position or if I am just comfortable and do not want to seek discomfort. by finding a different job.

Quitting is associated with the actions of the weak. But maybe what is weak is the fact that we stay in a harmful environment just to prove a point. Destroying your own potential and happiness out of fear of the unknown is weak.

Quitting is not weak. Sometimes it is just the logical thing to do.

Reflection

I started reading a book tonight, the first one in a long time. I enjoy reading but lately I feel I haven't made an honest effort to keep that up. It's a contemporary romance by Christina Lauren (my read of choice) and a part of it struck me. For context sake, a mother was talking to her daughter about a boy the daughter had met and the mother had asked if she liked him. The daughter, defensive, spoke about not wanting to get her hopes up. To this, the mother responded with "It's not like you won't be disappointed regardless if nothing happens. I don't know why people think permanent denial is better than temporary disappointment."

This resonated with me because immediately upon reading, I thought -guilty -

I feel a lot of us probably have done this exact thing and probably on more than one occasion. We avoid getting close and knowing someone to their core because of what? We're scared of disappointment? We're scared to tell someone how we really feel because of a temporary let down? I mean regardless, if they don't feel the same, we still get let down. So why drag it on?

See it's kind of silly that I say all of this now while being entirely complicit in this sort of behaviour. I think part of it, the reason we don't say how we feel or question how others feel is because of the fear of feeling as if we are not good enough. While this shouldn't be the case, it seems almost justified as a human behaviour. And then some settle because they're scared to wander and see if the grass can be greener elsewhere. Some settle because they hold on to someone who satisfies most of their boxes but they're scared they will never reach perfection anyway. I think that terrifies me. I have heard about people who marry someone that does not light them up inside because they were scared they'd eventually end up alone if they didn't. I think I would rather choose to be alone than sleep next to someone I didn't love with my whole heart.

I remember how anti feelings and relationships I had been before all because of a past heartbreak and every time I would get close to someone I would back away because well, I was comfortable loving myself because I could never harm myself the way someone else can. It became my logic, my way of being. So I would indulge in the chase, when things were great and no problems arose. As soon as things would get serious, and the question of "what are we?" would come about, I would decide it was time to slowly ghost. Was it the right thing to do? Probably not. Do I feel bad about it? Also probably not. But it was my way to cope. I couldn't get heartbroken if I was doing the breaking. Although, when I think about it, I always kind of felt bad too. I might be talking in circles.

And then there are the exceptions of course - the people who despite it all, carry their hearts on their sleeve and go into a new encounter completely and whole-heartedly open minded. Sometimes I wish I could be like that. To take everything with a grain of salt and go into the next knowing that I took the memories and left the bad times behind. You know, as I write this down, I strangely start to believe it. I mean if other people can do it, why can't I right? Nonetheless, the above paragraph is mostly a product of the past, I feel like I am more of this paragraph now than the last - or at least I would like to tell myself I am.

I guess everyone has a way of coping when they are hurt or have been hurt. However, I think we all also dream about that happily-ever-after. So maybe temporary disappointment might steer us in that way. Life is not meant to be lived in a shell that is all-protective of anything that may harm us.