Home?

One of my favourite lyrics of all time are from a Romanian song that I have known since I was a kid. The lyrics are "iarba verde de acasa, sa ma ratacesc prin lume nu ma lasa", which essentially reads "the green grass from home doesn't let me get lost in the world". It always resonated with me as I always thought that Romania will always be close to my heart and will always feel like home despite beginning a new life elsewhere, far away from "home".

In recent years, I started questioning that concept of "home" and where that location was. I like being with my family in their home here in Canada, but it stopped feeling like home a while ago. So I moved elsewhere, on my own, in hopes of finding that feeling of home.

I have been on my own for just over a year and I haven't been able to find that home-like feeling. I questioned the tangibility of such a place. Is home a place or a feeling? Is it a person or a community? Is it something constant or ever-changing? What is home?

A few weeks ago I took a trip with my roommate to a nearby city. It was weird that although we were gone for only a few days, I found a piece of exactly what I was looking for. It was in the sights, in the air, and in everything I was experiencing. It was in the experiences, and it was in the activities. It was a breath of air and the wind in my hair.

Home and the concept of home is certainly a subjective topic. For me, it is not a place and is technically a feeling that is influenced by a multitude of factors. It could be a sentence that someone says that puts me at ease. A phone call with a dear friend. A city I have not seen yet but have had some sort of attraction towards. A hug with my mom or a drink shared with my dad. The act of holding hands or a kiss. The trust put in me by someone I care about. That is home.

Gloomy days

This weekend has been absent of peace of mind and I have been wanting to write for a few days now. I keep sitting down with the intention to write and somehow, something puts me off. Here is another attempt at getting some thoughts on record.

This weekend has been gloomy both from a physical weather standpoint and I guess mentally and emotionally. I rarely tend to get down about stuff but the past few days seemed to have been one thing after the other. I have been feeling it weighing heavy on my shoulders. I have been thinking about a lot of things and I am unsure of how to even put it into words. Ever felt overwhelmed by a million thoughts? Have you had someone ask 'what's wrong?' and you know something is wrong but somehow you cannot articulate those feelings? That's about how I feel.

I have been thinking about the past few months and that more than half of the year is over and yet I feel like I stood still. I have been thinking about the progress others have made while I feel like I have done nothing. I know that isn't true but it truly feels that way sometimes. I also don't like comparisons but they simultaneously keep you accountable.

It's raining and I want to pick up a book and drown my thoughts in the plot of someone else's life. Does that even help when you know you probably should just tackle your own issues? Perhaps sleep on it.

For reference point, I keep on stopping and looking out the window. It's hard to write when you don't really know what you want to divulge. I guess my thoughts are just as cloudy as the weather.

I should not have to apologize

I often feel like when somebody is doing worse than me, I am expected to share in their pain and keep my fortune to myself. They are doing worse so I have to be sympathetic. While my attempts at cheering a person up may be futile, it is worth a try right? Yet, I feel like I constantly get hit with the "you wouldn't know cause you're not going through it". I mean no shit I am not going through it but I am here to try and help am I not?

Negative Nancy type of people really irk me because I try to be rather optimistic and hopeful for things and events and they just seem to shit on a parade. They seem to want you to apologize for being happier than them. But come on... I should not have to apologize for being happy, for wanting things to be better, or better yet, for being better. I know that may sound a little insensitive but I feel like the only people that will get offended by that are the exact people I am writing about.

I get it, everybody has their own battle to fight and while I truly empathize with that, it is hard not to get irritated when you try to be a good person and someone constantly throws their misfortune in your face.

I was lucky and privileged enough to have it better sure, but you will not see me throw that luck nor privilege in anyone's face, the same way they throw their misfortune in mine. No, I do not want to be negative and think of the worst. No you are not being realistic, you are being plain old negative. Snap out of it and maybe try to be aware that maybe even those who are happy and optimistic took a while to get there and you are the reason that their faith is diminishing.

Stop being a grump and smile.