A new chapter in the book

I keep on wanting to write and not knowing what about. I have a lot of shit in my head at all times but I feel like they're all fleeting thoughts that bother me for just a second too long.

I don't even know if I want to tell anyone what I'm up to. I keep feeling like I'll jinx myself if I talk about anything good or anything that excites me in the moment. It's a weird sort of feeling where I sometimes feel like I want to talk to someone but without telling them a single thing about me. Talk about the weather or something. Talk about their life and not mine. Never about mine.

I feel like I'm shedding a layer or myself that I adopted over the last nearly two years. I'm like a work-in-progress of some sort. Feeling a bit incomplete but well on my way to fixing that. I don't really know what that's supposed to feel like. Everything sounds super vague, I know.

I've been thinking about getting rid of my blog all together and just putting that part of myself in the past. I simultaneously know that this might be a temporary feeling. I'm no longer who I was a year ago. I don't even care to advertise my work anymore. If you're reading this, it's probably cause you subscribed to my mailing list, but I don't expect much outside traffic. I guess I'm looking within. I've gone a little private. When you show too much, people ask questions and I'm getting sick of being asked the same question.

Are you okay? Shut up.

Imposter syndrome

As many of my loyal readers know by now, I am writing a book and it will be published on June 9th. This means that I have a month to get my shit together, get over my imposter syndrome issues, and put my work out there for people to see...in book form.

For a while now, I have been struggling with the line "writers write books, not me". Now, that is obviously problematic for many reasons but I can't seem to get out of my own head about it. I mean... who is really stopping anyone from writing a book?

I guess that's where I am stuck. I know anyone realistically could write a book if they wanted to. Yes, it's hard work, but everyone could. So what makes me special? Do I really have something that no one has? Do I have something to say? And then again... if you think about it... everyone has something to say. Everyone is capable to write their own book simply using their own experiences because we are all so inherently different and go through something SO different on a day-to-day basis.

Last week, I had a thought that maybe it would be better if I pushed the release date because I did not feel like I was ready to do this. Although my content is pretty much covered and the book is in its editing stages, I wanted to back out. It wasn't because I thought my content wasn't good. I guess I thought I, myself, I just wasn't good enough to be doing it.

I'm over it now but it took a lot of pep talks from a lot of my close friends and it took knowing that people are counting on me to do this. I have a group of people editing my book and they're doing it for free because they want me to succeed and that's enough for me to push myself to do it in the end.

Ugh.. if any of you amazing people are reading this right now, just know I really fricken appreciate you and you are the reason I am getting over my own fears and feelings of inferiority.

It's raining

As the droplets of water are hitting these giant floor-to-ceiling windows, I see the flaws of yesterday being washed away with it. A clean slate as they say.

I've been having a couple of tough weeks. I feel mentally drained by the work I devote myself to, the projects I have taken on without any clear indication as to how they will affect me and drain me of my energy.

A little while ago, I read something that essentially said to visualize showers as being able to wash away every worry, struggle and frustration that you had encountered through your day. This week was a busy one. Not bad, but busy. At the end of every day, I stepped in the shower and I let the water just wash over me. A few minutes in, I would begin lathering. I tried to visualize washing the day away by taking deep breaths and feeling as if with every drop of water, the layer of frustration is being washed away.

I would walk out of the shower feeling refreshed. I would feel as if a giant weight had been lifted off my shoulders. It might have been a placebo effect but in those moments, it felt good regardless so I didn't question the root of the feeling.

This lockdown has been coming down hard on me lately and I am trying to cope. I guess we're all looking for our own ways to feel better.