Embracing impermanence

The last couple of months have really been a whirlwind of emotions. I hate that sometimes I want to write something with so much depth in it and my words fall short in the process. This is partially why I haven't been writing lately. I have a lot to say but I feel like I am lacking in certain areas that would otherwise assist my creative brain. So bear with me, I am a little rusty.

I have been working pretty hard lately on something that has the ability to shape the entire rest of my future and that has been a very interesting change of pace. I have been sober for about a month and a half in an effort to concentrate better and not lose days nursing hangovers. That has been interesting too especially with summer still being in full swing. It hasn't changed much in my life, probably just my tolerance so I know that one beer will feel like a dozen when I eventually do drink again.

All that being said, I have found myself feeling lonely these days. This time commitment has forced me to isolate myself a fair bit and I don't love it but the solitude has made me notice more of the things going on around me.

For starters, I am noticing that a lot of people are breaking up and that has been tough to watch especially if the people going through the breakups are close friends. On the other hand, I am noticing the people that are falling in love and that is quite beautiful too. In some ways, there is beauty in impermanence - seeing a chapter close only for a new exciting and maybe even scary one to begin.

I am noticing that I am starting to care again and that's been a new feeling lately. As much as I am a romantic, I have a hard time giving my all to someone and I guess that also goes right back to impermanence. I am scared of falling again or caring too much only for that care to be taken for granted and abused. I've done that a lot and I don't think I was wrong to care, but I almost always wish I was better at slowing down and loving from afar. I get too excited, too hungry for that heat of the moment lust. I am the literal definition of a hopeless romantic. I experience one beautiful moment and I want to write novels about it, sing my heart out for the world to hear. I guess I am just hoping that there will be someone out there one day who will want to write novels about me and sing their heart out to the beat of my heart too.

In other news, I have been giving a lot of thought to the concept of permanence or lack thereof. I'm not going to lie, I really was bummed out over that guy from the last blog post. That situation bothered me for a while and it got me thinking that perhaps I really need to take a break. BUT... in true Cez fashion, it's as if I have a gift for attracting people when I am at my most broken.

I came across someone that I frankly thought I'd ghost within the week because he lives in Michigan and I cannot stand the idea of not having someone physically with me these days. I never thought I was a physical touch love language kind of person until recently I guess, and now, I'd rather bang my head off a wall full force than think about anything long distance again. Been there, done that, hated every minute of it. However, he did not fuck off LOL.

As the days passed and the conversations went from one day to the next, I grew a bit of a soft spot. To be completely candid, I did try to tell him to let go of the idea of me (on two separate occasions). It didn't work. As much as he didn't want to let go, I don't think I did either. Until about two days ago, I did not think I cared that much. I have been trying to practice slowing down and boundaries if you would believe. I tried keeping him in the background and focusing on what or better yet, who is in front of me physically. I felt guilty.

And so, two days ago, without meaning to, he scared me by saying "Hi Cez". He usually calls me pet names, something cutesy, literally never by my name. I swear that although I had no reason to think this, I could have bet my life on the fact that he was calling me Cez because he was about to break us off (a relationship that isn't a relationship for total added clarity LOL). My heart sank to my literal stomach. It wasn't until that exact moment that I realized I actually cared for him and whether he stays in my life in some capacity.

This type of caring though has been weird, maybe even different than before. I feel like I am getting to a point where my heart has a lot of bandaids over it and it's not regenerating in the way it used to. If anything, it's kind of used to this idea of impermanence and that's kind of sad. When my heart sank to my stomach, it was an almost expected feeling, as if I knew exactly how to rip open the bandaid package already and place it carefully over the wound. I was already ready for the heartbreak.

There was nothing wrong though and he just wanted to switch it up from calling me pet names all the time.

But me, I was ready to embrace impermanence.